I'd love to say But hey, you know I'd never do it, right? But I can't say that really.

Things are much better today then they have been for a little while. I've been in an emotionally black place, and I don't know why. I wrote an entry about it (the above quote is an excerpt) but... I don't know... I just didn't put it up here. I think I need to channel some of my dark energy into a poem, and that's what I've been working on instead.

The entry is very disturbing to me. I'm not ashamed of my dark side, but I usually put a layer between it and myself by putting it into poetic form. Writing out the thoughts I've been having is a lot more frightening.  (God, did I really think that? Do I really want to admit that?) I don't want some so-called-"normal" person to stumble across my journal and go: "My god, she's a latent rapist/serial killer! She's about to kill herself!"

My sister used to cry at night because she had "bad thoughts" and she couldn't make them go away. I intellectually accept that everyone has bad thoughts-- that it's healthy to have them sometimes-- but I know how she felt.

And now, random thoughts.

Survivor is getting interesting. The Pagongs were stupid for not forming an alliance to protect themselves... Joel had the right idea. They should wise up, recruit Sean, and vote Richard off. (I'm rooting for Richard, by the way.) He's by far the strongest and smartest competitor, and if the Pagongers and Sean were smart, they would realize that. Otherwise, they're going to get picked off one by one: Greg, Sean, Gervase, Jenna and Colleen. According to strength.  The idealistic fools. Then it's going to come down to who can win the challenges, and Richard is physically the strongest out of the whole alliance. On one hand, it would be interesting to see him thwarted. On the other hand, he's got the winning strategy. We shall see.

And while I'm on the subject of reality TV, Kelly and Danny's kiss on The Real World was totally sexy. Why is that? Because they're both gorgeous? Because he's gay? What's that all about?

Jelly Bean sent me a small box of (what else) Jelly Belly jelly beans in the mail. I sorted them by color and ate some of them. This cheered me up tremendously. She is so wonderful that I insist you go read her journal immediately. (Well, either she's wonderful, or I can be bought. Or both. Probably both.)

Which reminds me that Caitlyn (of the fabulous aquarienne) sent me a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble (I love her, too). As if that wasn't good enough, one of my co-workers gave me a premature "Good-bye and Good Luck" card, with a gift certificate for Crown Books. It's an embarrassment of riches! There is nothing in the world I love more than bookstore gift certificates. For once, I don't have to feel guilty about spending money on books. It's like a "Get Out of Guilt Free" card. They don't give those out in Catholic school.

Speaking of guilt, I finished my last Dan's Chocolate yesterday. I spaced half a pound of chocolate out over one month. That may not seem like much to you, but it's amazing restraint. Trust me. Of course, Matt's half of the box is still mostly full. But then, he doesn't feel the way that I do about chocolate.

The Crazy Dog Lady was out for the first half of the week. I've been bringing my camera with me, hoping to snap a picture of her for you, and today is the first day to put my plan into action. I could tell she was here this morning because the elevator smelled like her: stale coffee grounds and sweat. Eeeew.

Oh, and her excuse for being out? It was her dead father's birthday. She baked a cake for him and said some prayers, then came back and announced it to the entire office. I mean really. Don't most people just mourn quietly? It's years after the fact, and the woman is 50 years old. It's a little much. Candy said yesterday, "It's hard not to feel sorry for Brenda, because she's so pathetic." I know what she means.

The book I finished last night, Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married, is annoying. Two of the characters (Karen and Megan) are identical. I mean, they are the same character. And they are both distasteful. The main character acts like a moron throughout the book, and she doesn't wise up nearly fast enough. (She's exactly like Abby: she takes the same loser back two and three times and I want to kill her.) When she stops being a doormat, it's implausible, and internally inconsistent as well. It is an enjoyable book until the final act. But the stupidity of the heroine carries on for too long, and by the end, I wanted to fling the book across the room. 

You know, it's really demoralizing that I can't get a job at a fucking sandwich shop. Just for the record.

There are only two days left to submit nominations for the diarist awards. Don't forget! In contrast to last quarter, I actually bookmarked a ton of people this time. I nominated someone in virtually every category, with an emphasis on people who have never been nominated before. As always, I'll reveal all in due time. I went for a drive today at lunch. I work practically next door to the Angeles National Forest, and I sometimes drive up that way for a little nature and peace. Today, though, I just drove down the main boulevard. I saw an automotive shop named "Dave's Van" and a Thai restaurant called, I kid you not, "Poo Ping". Could there possibly be a more unfortunate association for a restaurant?

Cassie loves her new cage, and has officially moved in. The cage has a swing, but it didn't have a perch on it; it was just one thin bar. So we sawed a large perch down to size and put some grooves in it, and made a real swing. She loves it! She hangs out there constantly, chirping and twittering and bobbing her head.  Now I want to find a toy to put on the swing, so she has something to do. Then I'll be content.

I feel the need to have another contest. (I still have some stuffed animals to give away, and possibly some more souvenirs, I have to look.) So here it is! The contest is simple: name the nine things pictured in the boxes on my splash page. Be as detailed as possible, and if you have to guess, be creative. In the event of a tie, it goes to whoever sent their answer first. 

That's right, I'm coming out of the closet: I have a Geo.