"I've made a decision. I'm not going to give up my dream of being a photojournalist."

"Why not?"

"Well... for one thing, it's the only dream I've got."

~Cousin Larry and Balki

(No, I didn't watch any of the Perfect Strangers marathon. Why do you ask?)

The scene is played for laughs, but damn, does it ever ring true. I guess it's normal for me to have cold feet at this 11th hour, and I admit that I do. Suddenly, for the first time in ten years, I'm bored by poetry. I don't want to write it, or read it, or listen to tapes of it... I don't even want to think about it.

It's probably just another defense mechanism. Because if I think about poetry, I have to think about grad school. From there, I'll take a long walk off a short neuron and start thinking about the practical aspects of moving, etc.

And as much as I may talk about it here, I'm trying not to think about it overmuch.

On Saturday night, I went out to see X-Men with Matt and Tim. Before the movie, by long standing tradition, we hung out for a little while at Barnes and Noble. Also by long standing tradition, Tim and I had an extremely funny (to us) conversation. (Remember the "Mediterranean has no waves" thing? That was in Barnes and Noble too.) It's going to take me a while to get to the punch line, but stay with me.

We were talking earlier about taste buds. Tim had read an interesting article in a magazine about people who are "super tasters."

First of all, the idea that you taste different things on different parts of your tongue (remember that from physical science? bitter at the back, sweet at the tip...) has now been debunked. Experiments have shown that people taste all the different tastes over every area of their tongue.

Experiments have also shown that certain people have more sensitive taste buds, and are therefore "super tasters." Somehow, if you dye your tongue, you're supposed to be able to tell if you fall into this category. So Tim sucked a blueberry sucker and ascertained that he's one of them. "That's why I don't like mustard or vinegar... the tastes are too strong."

(Now that I think of it, this is odd, because he likes pickles quite a lot. I'm going to have to ask him about that one.)

So anyway, I was wandering around, looking for Matt and Tim, browsing the books, and I ran across Tim, who was reading magazines. I asked him which magazine he had read the article in (I wanted to figure out if I am a super taster) and he said he thought it was New Scientist.

I picked up the magazine and saw the cover story. "Sad Parrots on the Web." I blinked. No, that couldn't possibly say "Sad Parrots on the Web," let me read it again. Sure enough. "Sad Parrots on the Web." I showed it to Tim and explained, "I had to read that like three times before I actually believed that's what it says."

I turned to the article in the middle of the magazine. And oh, my god. It was the funniest article I have ever read.

There are these scientists, see. And they've got this parrot. Arthur is his name. And Arthur is apparently bored. Of course, they could play with him or get another parrot for him to socialize with, but they don't. They've decided that the wave of the future is, I am not kidding, letting Arthur use the internet. They set up software in his cage so he can access a web site with pictures of owls and people and other parrots, anticipating that he'd have certain reactions to the pictures he's seeing. (He sees the pictures by clicking on a mouse.)

Lo and behold: Arthur doesn't seem interested in the pictures. So, instead of concluding that parrots on the internet is a STUPID idea, they theorize that "the reason Arthur doesn't seem interested is most likely because the mouse isn't designed ergonomically enough, and the software needs an upgrade."

Oh, I see. So Arthur just needs a Pentium III and then he'll be interested? I DON'T think so. In fact, the real reason Arthur doesn't seem interested is because this is the STUPIDEST idea in the HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

The article goes on to describe the glorious future that awaits every lonely, disenfranchised parrot on earth. The lead scientist says earnest, idealistic, asinine things like, "We see a future where parrots are liberated from their lives of isolation and boredom..." and "At long last, parrots will have a forum to socialize and interact with other parrots all across the world."

Tim and I were reading this article aloud to each other in Barnes and Noble, and it just got funnier and funnier. By the end, we were convulsing with laughter, wiping tears from our eyes, and probably disturbing everyone else in the store.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but she’s completely insane!