Well, I had quite the productive day yesterday. My YA Books site is looking pretty good, and I've managed to get some posts in the forum as well. (Thank you, Bookworms.) As I've said, I desperately need to make some money, and the $100 a month or whatever from Bella is really going to start coming in handy. (So far, I've been such a slacker that I haven't earned one red cent.) So I'm glad I was able to get caught up. It's a nice feeling.

Now, I'm working on the Burbank, California city site. (I'll link to it once there's something to link to.) I'm supposed to be getting a percentage of ad revenue, I think. It may all come to nothing, but it's worth a shot, right?

And finally, I really should try submitting some more real estate articles. They'll probably print them, and I get $250 each, which is obviously quite a lot of money. The problem arises from the fact that I don't really know anything about Real Estate, and don't particularly want to. But that's a bad attitude, and I should get over it already.

Survivor last night was just great. I mean seriously: what a compelling couple of hours of television. It's amazing how much watching Survivor (and talking about Survivor, and reading about it) has dominated this summer. I will always think of it as Survivor Summer. (It's better than thinking about it as Angel of Death Summer or This Way To The Motel Summer, right?)

Tim and I placed bets on who of the final four would win. I said Richard, and he said "not Richard." When I realized that put our odds at 25% to 75%, I made him pick a concrete winner. He picked Sue, which is really a stupid bet. Some people might not like Richard, but Sue is the one who has the most contentious relationships.

(And okay, yes, Nancy told me who would win. However, I sincerely thought Richard was the best player and had the best shot of winning, and I tried to treat Nancy's insider information for what it was: just another rumor. And I was in such suspense the entire time, because I sincerely thought Rudy or Kelly might come from behind and get it, hearsay notwithstanding.)

My favorite part was the voting. I was proud of myself because I had predicted every single person's vote correctly (Tim got two wrong, and pegged Kelly as the overwhelming winner). I loved listening to what they all said when voting, and what questions they asked. Greg and his number strategy (between the alphabets and the numbers, Greg and Sean totally controlled the outcome of the votes), Sue's ranting, Rudy's "I was dumb" comment...

Obviously, this show was successful because of the casting. You couldn't find sixteen more compelling, charismatic personalities, and watching them blend was infinitely interesting. Now that the show's over, I really have a soft spot for some of the people who irritated me: Sean, Gervase, Rudy, Sue. They all seemed so relaxed and fun after the fact.

Now the big question is: which romance was Colleen covering up for? My bet is on Jenna and Gervase. I don't think Colleen was the one sneaking around, and the only person who has something to hide is new father, I'm-in-a-relationship Gervase. Jenna, who looks like a trollop now, must be the other party involved. Unless it's Joel or Gretchen which, somehow, I doubt. And unless it's Greg and Jenna... but in that case, why hide it?

As I told my notify list (and yes, there are lots of things I tell my notify list. In fact, today, they're going to hear all about sex. Jealous?) I felt bad last night because I was kind of a bitch to Matt.

It's tough, living with him now. I'm trying to strike a balance between pathetic, painful yearning and angry, bitter revenge. Yesterday, I was trying to distance myself from him a little bit, so I wouldn't be reduced to that snuffling creature of sadness that I have become. Of course, since Tim was there, it meant that I paid lots of attention to him, and largely ignored Matt. Tim and I had a great time watching the show, and speculating, and joking, and eating pizza. Matt basically stayed at his computer. When Matt went to bed, he didn't say goodnight or anything. I sort of got the suspicion that he was giving me a taste of my own medicine.

I was talking to Tim a little bit (again, taking the "reach out" advice) and telling him that perhaps I was trying to withhold my friendship because I wanted to hurt Matt. He sort of rolled his eyes at that but then said that realistically, we can't jump right into being friends. It's natural that I wouldn't be ready for "friends" right away because the breakup is not mutual. Obvious, but sometimes you need your friends to remind you of the obvious.

When I said "fuck that" to Matt's proffered friendship, it was out of hurt and anger. I was reeling from the whole thing... his willingness to let the relationship go and move on really blindsided me. And so I thought, Maybe he'll think twice if I threaten to take my friendship away. I'll admit, this strategy worked in high school when I wanted to break up with Bruce and he made the same threat. I couldn't imagine being without his friendship, so I stayed with him. (Obviously, I haven't advanced much in my mentality since I was 17.)

It's hard to be friends with someone after you break up with them. After Bruce and I broke up, it was extremely difficult for me. He was constantly talking about his new relationship. Even though it was with a guy, it still hurt me. I can't imagine getting perky phone calls from Matt about his great sex life with his new chippy. Then again, Bruce was rather insensitive about the whole thing. I remember one day I was crying, and he told me to "get over it, already". Aah, compassion.

But, of course, now that my initial turmoil has settled down, I'm able to think more realistically about the whole breakup with Matt. The distance between us will make it simultaneously easier and harder to keep a friendship. It's easier, because I don't have to know about who he's dating or what sex he's having. And it's harder, because everything is so final. There's no hope of getting back together again. It's done. It's over forever.

Regardless, I do want to try and be friends. I look forward to talking to him about it. I don't want to be petty and hurtful... I want to be amicable. In the long run, it's the more healing approach to take. He's making an effort to be as compassionate and realistic as possible, and I'd like to return the compliment. Deep down, I do know that he's trying to do what will make him happy. I don't think he's happy about leaving me, but I also don't think California is home to him. Massachusetts is home, and he feels like that's where he needs to be. And I do want him to be happy, and do what makes him happy.

That's what true love is, after all.

Tim asked me when I was moving, and I told him it was in about a week. (Actually, registration is in five days. I better start packing or something.) His eyes got all big and he said, "Wow. So soon?" And he looked sad. Isn't that sweet of him, to be sad?

I already told you that Gavin was making a play for me last week, and I had to fend off his advances. I didn't mention Matthew's response when I told him what was going on, which was, "Why don't you come over and spend the night with me?"

Okay, to be fair, I highly doubt that Matthew's intentions were prurient. He just wanted a ride to the airport, and probably wanted to give me a shoulder to cry on. Gavin might be tacky enough to make a pass, but Matthew certainly isn't. But it still made for an amusing joke when Tim was leaving and he hugged me goodbye. "In keeping with the responses of my other male friends," I said, "You should probably take this opportunity to cop a feel."

(He didn't, of course, but it was funny anyway.)

All three of us started talking about how strange it was that we ended up being a family. I wondered aloud if it was some strange cosmic coincidence, or if it was fate at work. Conny said, "Your parents think it’s the hand of God, that God is making it all possible. But I think it’s destiny."