I owe the universe something. I know this to be true.

The other day, I was walking to the BART station (I had never been there before) and I was late for school. A woman who lives down the street called out to me. "Hello! It's hot today, huh?" I waved back, and smiled, and agreed. I asked for directions to the BART station. "Oh, I'm going that way myself! Why don't I just drive you?" Which she did. And I got to class barely in the nick of time, so it was a lucky bit of happenstance.

When I mentioned to my notify list that I didn't have anyone to help me move, Susan wrote to me to tell me I was a big silly head, and she would come over to help. Which she did, allowing me to unload the truck in no time flat.

(I must be inured to meeting journalers by now. When I went to Nancy's first party. I was really nervous about making a good impression, and got my hair cut, and so on and so forth. When Susan came over, I had been moving stuff all day, and I was sweaty, smelly and gross, and didn't really care. I am sure my general level of griminess was extremely impressive, though, in its own special way.)

When Aimee read that I didn't have anywhere to live, she invited me to stay with her. She then did about a million favors for me, including picking me up at the BART station and birdsitting Cassie. As she wrote recently, she actually read books to Cassie. That is the cutest thing I have ever heard.

Leah and Jane (my roommates) have gone out of their way to offer me food, and furniture, and anything else I might need to be comfortable. We sit on the couch and watch the Olympics every night, making snarky jokes whenever the announcers say something stupid.

That girl looks like she's sucking on a lemon.
"Here come the Russians, looking just like Russians."
Did they just say "Susie Stroke" and "Misty Hymen"? Wow, that's unfortunate.
"This guy's got the whole package. A great package."
"His score should go way down."
Opening soon: Going Way Down, starring Susie Stroke and Misty Hymen...

I got a care package from Meghan. It was waiting for me when I got here. I grinned every time I pulled out something new, and there was a lot of stuff. She put cute cards on everything, and included so many thoughtful gifts... including parakeet treats for Cassie. If Aimee wasn't already Cassie's godmother, I'd give Meghan the job. (She can be the godfather, though, if she's willing to impersonate Marlon Brando.)

Tim. DVD player. 'Nuff said.

Mar drove all the way from Sacramento to San Jose to take me to see Eleanor's play. Then Eleanor took us out to dinner (oh, that crepe...) and we made tentative plans to meet up again. I felt anchored in the city, and embraced by it. I know I've said it before, but I had to say it again. It meant a lot.

Everything on this list meant a lot.

You see where I'm going with this? People who I love, or don't know very well, or have never met before, or don't know from Adam, have all been unbearably kind to me recently. I feel that I don't deserve all this kindness.

I haven't earned it, you know. I've been self-involved, and self-absorbed, and caught up in my own melodramas. I've not been thinking of others all that much. I've been wallowing knee deep in my own life's mud for what seems like a long time.

I'll admit that I have something of an excuse: my life has been in turmoil. Losing my grandmother was a huge blow. Saying goodbye to Matt has fucked me up in a major way. But I'm not the only one in the world with problems.

So here it is: I want to be a more thoughtful person. I want to be like all these people. I want to do concrete things for people, and provide unlooked for happiness. I want to pass on this wonderful karma that has literally saved my sanity in the past month. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I guess I want to pay it forward.

The problem is, I don't know how.

My head has a permanent address in the clouds. Perhaps it's my Piscean nature, but I've always lived in something of a fugue state. If someone asks me to do something, I'll often try to do it, but I rarely take the initiative and think of a nice gesture or the perfect act of friendship out of the blue. In fact, I can't remember the last time I did anything of the sort.

So, how do I change? How do I point my focus outward and do unto others? How do I spread love and joy and things that are twinkly throughout the land?

(This is not a hypothetical question; I'd really love to know.)

It looks like I should be able to catch up on some entries that have been languishing in various states of undress. I will also catch up with my Bella site, and my 'burb mailing list, and my piles of unanswered e-mail. Of course, I still have a ton of stuff to unpack, but there are plenty of hours in the day when you're an unemployed student.

(At least, I'll say that now. An hour before I have to leave for class on Monday, when I'm frantically trying to finish my procrastinated homework, you can call me up and remind me about that whole "plenty of hours" thing and listen to me scream and scream. Fun for the whole family.)

Postscript:

This may sound bizarre, but can some bored person mess around with PhotoShop and create a picture of George Bush kissing Tipper Gore? Of course if you actually do this for me, I'll owe the universe yet another thing. I do realize that.

But I'll pay it forward somehow. You bet your ass I will.

So therefore, not even the pope himself would consider me Catholic. And in case he’s still on the fence... hey, John Paul II! I masturbate! So there!