First of all, in actual fact, it is mopie@spies.com that will work as my e-mail address. The hotmail address works too. Do not write to mo@mopie.com. If you write to me there, I will not get it.

(I dread to think what will happen to that one person who has no idea where my journal went, and has been trying to write to mo@mopie.com to find the journal, and is now confused and mo-less. Let's have a moment of silence for the poor mo-less person, whoever she is.)

I mentioned two entries ago that I once had a list of qualities I was looking for in a boyfriend (or, I should say, girlfriend) and that Matt fulfilled them all. Leah told me to make a new list, and put it out to the universe. Well, today's the day. I wish I could find the old list, just for reference purposes. Oh, well.

Just for your further edification, I created this list for the first time right after I broke up with my boyfriend Kevin. You'll find out a lot about Kevin, I think, as this list progresses. Just for the record, I never loved Kevin. He was an asshole. What did I see in him, you ask? Well, that's another list.

Emotionally available. It's my theory that most people have one relationship that fucks them up seriously. (For Kevin, it was his bitch ex-wife.) A lot of people take this relationship so much to heart that they build a wall around themselves, stop trusting people, and vow never to love again. Then you get involved with them, and that sucks. Because as soon as they start to care about you, they bolt.

Sexually supportive. This was definitely a Kevin problem. Kevin had sex like he was in a porn movie. He literally said things like, "Oh yeah, you want my cock, don't you?" I used to laugh and laugh. There's definitely a place for talking dirty, but first you have to get to that point of comfort, I think. I never got there with Kevin, because in addition to fancying himself a porn star, he was critical about every aspect of sex, and compared me constantly to his bitch ex-wife, who was into everything from spanking to golden showers. "Come on, why don't you let me shove my fist in your ass? [Bitch ex-wife] loved that!" Gave me some hangups, let me tell you.

My intellectual equal. I need someone who stimulates my intellect. Period. I could never date some vapid pretty person. There is no bigger turn on for me than a brilliant person (hence my misguided adoration of Tim for all those years). I like to learn from people, and I love the zingy rapport that comes with talking to a smart person. I'm getting emotionally erect just thinking about it.

A good communicator. This arises from Matt's and my relationship, but it's nothing against Matt. He was a good communicator, much more so than I am, and our relationship reinforced the important role of communication in a relationship. It's such a cliché, but it's so true. However, does not expect me to communicate first thing in the morning is a good corollary to this one.

Open and honest. Again, Matt taught me that not even little white lies can be between two people who love each other. I was careful never to lie to him, and to be honest with him about everything. This was one of the best things about our relationship, and I'd like to find it again.

Giving. I don't want someone self-effacing or martyr-like, but I want someone who likes to do little things to make me happy. I promise to continue my efforts to do things to make my partner happy as well. I know I'm something of a taker, and I'd like to work on that.

Willing to pamper and baby me when I'm sick. This is a no-brainer. This is what we all want, right?

Accepting of my friendships with Tim et al. Here's another big one. I adore Tim, and he is my best friend. I will never, ever give up Tim. Anyone who asks me to do that is out the door. I also have close and affectionate relationships with my other male friends, notably Matthew. I'm willing to make some concessions (and have in the past) but I'm not willing to sacrifice any of my friendships for the sake of a relationship. That's a junior high way to behave, and I will not do it.

Romantic (but not too romantic). Affectionate (but not too affectionate). Loving (but not too loving). I don't want to make people nauseous with schmoopy doopy behavior in public. Actually, Matt didn't much care for my self-consciousness in this regard. I don't want grand romantic gestures all the time: they ring hollow and make me uncomfortable. I don't want constant, cloying affection. I do want occasional nights of romance, plenty of cuddling, and anniversary presents.

A shared sense of humor. I don't have too much to say to qualify this, but it's very important.

Stuff in common. I'd like the person I'm with to share at least some of these things in common with me: a desire to travel, a passion for reading and writing, political convictions in general and a socially liberal way of thinking in particular, love of movies, love of theater (but not in a homosexual way), interest in computers, interest in poetry, my favorite books, TV shows and music. I am sure there are plenty more, but you get the idea. Of course, it would be boring to share everything in common and have nothing to share with each other. But common ground is a good thing.

Respects me. I want someone who respects my intelligence, my independence, and my opinions. Someone who is not only my equal, but sees me as theirs.

Mature. Yeah, here's the big one. In a lot of ways, Matt is mature. In other ways, he's very much not. No matter what happened between us, and no matter what he was going through, he should have been supportive when my grandmother died. Period. He wasn't there for me, and now that I've gotten over my post-breakup hurt, that's the thing that stays with me. I can never forgive him for that, and I think it was immature behavior.

Childlike sense of whimsy. This is the flip side of the maturity coin. Matt wasn't always mature, but he got along with my inner child, didn't mind my silly behavior, and unleashed his silly, goofy playful side all the time. I want someone who won't care if Litlu Tamoruh wants to come out and play. So I guess this is also known as: Someone I can be 100% myself around. Which was, as I recall, on the original list.

Focused and ambitious. Slackers can be charming, but no thank you.

Emotionally supportive. Mutual independence does not preclude emotional support, and my ideal partner would understand this and be able to put it into practice. I want to be able to rant and rave, and find "oh, poor baby" waiting for me if that's what I need. I want someone who is on my side. Not afraid to call me on my bullshit once in a while, but on my side nonetheless.

Not afraid to call me on my bullshit is also, now that I think about it, a great thing to add here. It's part and parcel of being independent and my intellectual equal. I want someone who challenges me. I want someone who inspires me to be a better person.

Independent. Actually, when I said that "mature" was the big one, I was wrong. Independent is the big one. I am an independent person. As much as Matt claimed to like it, I think there were times when he didn't. He wanted me to be more dependent on him from the very beginning. He didn't create his own life in Los Angeles, which is why, I think, he left when I did. I want someone who has his (or her) own friends, social life, goals and agenda.

Loves and adores me. And is not afraid to say it.

Of course, I could have just quoted this song in its entirety. It was Katie and Tim's wedding song. It's a lovely song. It is, of course, "Somebody" by Depeche Mode.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details

Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general

Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted

To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath

Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like

I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to stay clear of
Those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly

Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

Tim doesn’t hold me when I cry. Tim doesn’t look at me lovingly and tell me it’s all going to be okay. Tim doesn’t promise to be by my side forever. I can be vulnerable with Matt in a way that is so much more profound than anything I’ve ever shared with Tim. There are things I expect Tim to understand, but could never tell him. There are things Tim can never understand. But Matt? I can tell Matt anything and he tries to understand.