The last couple of days have been full of joyful moments. Simple happiness, coming out of nowhere. Unexpected bursts of contentment, engendered by nothing. Happy happy happiness.

I'm already in the Christmas spirit-- for the first time, the preemptive decorations aren't annoying me. I'm happy to see them! Lights! Sparkles! Carols! And sure, I have no money to buy presents. But if people can't understand that I have no money... well fuck 'em!

Today, for example, I was driving home, past the bay, and I caught a glimpse of a spectacular sunset. The clouds, outlined in pink and purple, were reflected in the waters of the bay, and the golden gate bridge was a vague outline in the distance. It made me grin from ear to ear. There's nothing like a sunset to give me "the flash" like that.

Two days ago, when I was out applying for jobs, my crappy car was parked next to a silver Acura Integra. Astute readers may remember that I almost bought a silver Integra last year; it was my dream car. I still look at it lustfully whenever I see it. And yet... I could have had the Integra. I could have stayed at my soul sucking job and made enough money to afford car payments.

And then it hit me. Maybe I don't have the car I wanted, but I have the life I wanted. And you know what? When you look at it that way, it's no fucking contest.

My biggest problem right now isn't money. I have been handed something far more valuable than money: time. My biggest problem is overcoming my innate laziness. I love being able to hang out with Cassie, watch movies and play video games all day. But I need to seize the opportunity I have right now. First of all, to fully experience the city. Second of all, to get underway with my writing career.

I did do something towards each of those goals recently. Yesterday, Tara and I went to an exhibit at the Oakland Museum of California. It's the one I mentioned, on loan from Beijing, Secrets of the Forbidden City. What a well-done exhibit! It came with an audio tour that was engrossing and informative. Everything from an empress' wedding costume to the bicycle of the Last Emperor. Of course now, I want to rent movies about China, research China in the library, and visit the Forbidden City. I guess that's a recommendation in and of itself.

I'm also going to be spending Halloween in the Castro. I have no costume, but I do have something that's even better. (Two words: wrist fluffies.) I hear it's a street party to rival the West Hollywood one. And I'm going with my friends from school, so it should be fun. More San Francisco experiences! Alright!

I also want to take some road trips. I'd like to see the redwoods, and parts of the northern coast. I'd also like to make it to Oregon and Washington. And of course Sacramento: a tour of the state capitol, and all that. Not to mention Alcatraz and the Winchester house and other things in the area, which I'm saving for when my friends come and visit. So I'm actually doing fairly well on that count.

As for writing, I spent my last gift certificate (from my goodbye party at the aforementioned soul sucking job) to purchase the new Writers Market. I also have the Poets Market, which I bought last week. I'm going to reinstate the "what I'm writing" section of the sidebar, and you'll see the progress I'm making. If it's not a school day, I'll be writing. That you can count on.

The journal quote of the day (see sidebar) rang true, because I've been thinking about focus lately. Focusing down on what I really want. Obviously, I need to spend more time writing, but I also have to decide what is worthwhile and what isn't. For instance: the Bella gig. I haven't exactly poured my heart and soul into it, but do you know how much money I made in September? Actually, it's all the money I've gotten from them so far. Hang onto your hats, there's a punchline coming.

Ninety one cents.

CENTS, people. That's ridiculous. That's not worth my time. They pay three HUNDREDTHS of a cent per page view. I am planning to put some more effort into it, and perhaps things will improve. I need to find out from other hosts if it's possible to make a decent amount at their three hundredths of a cent rate. But even if I get ten times the number of page hits I had in September, that's not even ten dollars.

You can bet that I will drop it like a hot potato as soon as something better comes along.

There is a drop of bitterness in my happiness, of course. I am an independent person by nature, and being alone all the time mostly doesn't bother me, but not having Matt around makes me lonely. He sent me an e-mail the other day saying he missed me. Signing it off with a private symbol that means "I love you forever."

As I said to the notify list: break my fucking heart, why don't you.

I'm somewhat conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand, I don't want to live in denial. We've all seen what happens when I do that. But on the other hand, confronting my feelings about him is painful in the extreme. Whenever I hear from him, or think about him, I get sad. Plain old ordinary sad.

I answered his e-mail, crying the whole time. Do I tell him I miss him and make myself weak and pathetic? Do I act like it doesn't bother me and try to be cool? Do I tell him not to write me anymore? Do I try and be friends? Do I cast blame? Do I absolve?

Maybe I'll just go back to being happy happy happy. Lucky for me, because right now, that's easy.

"Let us now do an affirmation.

I am a writer. I write lots of nice things. I am smart. Nay, I am a genius. I am the best thing since Shakespeare. Jobs, come to me. Come to me now. Om..."