First, let me just say that almost everything Mo says about me is pretty much spot on, with two glaring exceptions. 1.) I have no homosexual fascination with Russell Crowe. I'm straight. As an arrow. Really. 2.) My name is not Tim.

I'm essentially a cold-hearted, cynical, unemotional bastard. I'm everything Mo doesn't want, and doesn't need in a boyfriend. Just look at her list of qualities she wants in a relationship. I'm less than half of those. All the qualities you like to see in friends, but none of the other ones that differentiate the friend relationship from the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship..(e.g. emotionally available, sexually supportive, willing to pamper, romantic, emotionally supportive...)" We'd be at each others throats in days. We both know that.

I also don't look at relationships in the same way she does. For example, maybe I'm weird for this, and I don't even really know how to articulate this well, but.. here goes.. A friend, to me means a lot. I may not say it often, but I'd do just about anything for my friends. This is especially true of Mo. A girlfriend is, to me, far more superficial. It's someone who's probably a pretty decent friend (lowercase f), but the relationship is primarily built around sex, and physical chemistry. It's fast paced, it's frenetic, it has it's ups, it's downs, etc. The fact that the first thing to usually signal the end of a "girlfriend/boyfriend" type relationship is the question "Why don't we have sex anymore?" is proof positive to me.

Real Friends are infinitely more stable. They're even, they're constant. Girlfriends are simply more disposable. Contrary to certain actions I've taken in the past that happened way before she started this journal, my Friend(s), really are vastly more important to me, and vastly more meaningful than girlfriends. Friends are chosen based purely on personality characteristics. They're chosen based on their *real* merits. Girlfriends are often chosen because she has a great body, or can suck a basketball through a garden hose, or whatever. These are fine qualities, don't get me wrong...I'm all for great bodies, pretty faces, basketballs, and garden hoses, but those things are all superficial, and obtainable anywhere. You can buy a girlfriend. You can't buy real Friends. I dunno how to phrase this better, but Girlfriends are just more superficial, and less meaningful to me.

I don't feel compelled to fuck my good male friends, why should I be feel compelled to fuck my good female friend? That just doesn't make any sense to me. Does that make me weird? I don't want to be involved in a sexual boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship with Mo. Our friendship is so much more meaningful. The fact that I don't issue "I love you"s like junk mail, or engage in physical affection, doesn't in any way lessen the way I feel about her. What purpose could possibly be served by tossing some sex, morning breath, and bad hair into the mix?

Mo on the other hand, is naturally more affectionate, emotional, less coldly analytical. If she thinks about it, she knows we could never be a couple. Rationally, she's absolutely aware. Emotionally, I think she just feels like I'm not there. I don't return the same gestures. This leads her to feel this sense of "unrequitedness" (If that's not a word, it is now.) It's not that I don't Love Mo. Truth be told, I do. I don't even love my parents. Seriously...I don't. So, when I say I love Mo to death.. I mean it. My friendship with her is just not something that I have any desire to trivialize, weaken, jeopardize, or in any other way destroy. It's definitely not something I expound upon on a daily basis. If she thinks about it, she knows it. She doesn't need me to make it worthless by repeating it ad nauseum. I'm happy with the way it is.

Sometimes, I'm not around Mo as much as others. Sometimes this is just because work is sapping all my time, and energy. Sometimes it's just because I feel like being alone. It has nothing to do with wanting, or not wanting to spend time with Mo. It just has to do with me actively wanting to spend time with nobody but myself. I'm a recluse. I like this from time to time. I'm not ignoring her, I'm not annoyed by her, I'm not avoiding her, I'm not pulling away from her, I'm not being a bad friend, I'm just not feeling sociable. It's nothing personal. It just is.

I understand why she might think otherwise though, I don't exactly articulate my feelings very often. Sometimes, I don't articulate them because I've grown used to her instinctively understanding. Sometimes it's because I just don't have "feelings"/"emotions" Sometimes, it's just because I don't consider those feelings important, or relevant. I especially understand why she might think otherwise, in light of the Heather Incident. Heather (ex girlfriend) was extremely jealous of Mo, and essentially, albeit not directly, forbid me from associating with Mo, or in fact any of my friends. It wasn't that I just didn't associate with Mo. I didn't associate with *any* of my friends for close to a year. I could spend six months straight with the woman every damned night, and the *ONE* night I went out with my friends, she'd complain "Why don't you want to spend time with me?" I was stupid. It was entirely contrary to everything I proclaim to believe. So, I can hardly fault Mo for being afraid it might happen again.

I've never been the type to have a whole lot of friends. I can count the number of people I genuinely consider friends on one hand. I could probably even count them on the hand of Bree Walker (ooh.. I'm going to Hell for that one). I'm largely anti-social, in general, I just don't like people. Deep down, I'm an arrogant intellectual snob, who thinks of most people as either stupid, or ignorant, or both. I see no point in associating with people I have no respect for.

Of the people that I do choose to be my friends, all of them are pretty different. Hell...they're weird. Mark, who is probably my best male friend, is a bit off. He's not the brightest guy in the world, but he's genuine. He's responsible. He's the most sincere person I've ever met in my life. He'll go so far out of his way to help someone he may not even know that well, that you'd think there *has* to be some ulterior motive. There has to be some selfish, sinister reason. But there isn't. The guy is just sincere, genuine, and will do absolutely anything for any one of his friends. Although I often consider myself to be genuine, responsible, and sincere (even if cynically, and unsympathetically), I consider him to be my friend because in that respect, he's better than me. I consider him to be superior to me. I admire him.

All of my friends are my friends for exactly reasons like this. There's some way I can look at them as not only my equal, but my superior. Out of that vast circle of 5 (or less) really good friends, none of them even comes close to Mo. I don't admire Mo. I'm in awe of her. She's everything I'm not. She's artistic, she's caring, she's emotional, she's extremely literate (Damnit..she has a bigger vocabulary than me), and a whole host of other things. These aren't all traits I necessarily wish I embodied. In fact, many of them are exactly the opposite of myself, and I'm perfectly happy that way. I respect them nonetheless.

In reading through this journal, I'm struck by comments she's made, alluding to things that she felt like she couldn't tell me, or share with me. Things that she would share with Matt instead, because he was more emotionally supportive, etc. I think she thought that I might be offended by comments like this. In fact, quite the opposite is true. I'm glad she felt that.

Over the years that I've known her, I've seen her transform in a number of ways. She's abandoned Catholicism (like me), she's probably grown more cynical in some respects (like me), she's become more responsible (like me), etc. I've even gotten her to grudgingly admit that Christmas is Evil, and Stupid (like me). This may sound somewhat conceited, but I've always been afraid of changing her. The last thing I'd want is to change her into me. Hell, sometimes, I don't even know what she sees in me. If I wanted a bunch of friends that were exactly like me, I'd start a cult. I'm glad she doesn't feel like I'm the right person to turn to for everything. She's right. I'm not. If she's looking for someone to be sympathetic, and give her a big hug, that's just not me. I'm gonna be the guy that says exactly what I really think, and tell her if I think she's wrong. I'm not going to be a dick about it, but I'm not going to be disingenuous either. [ I believe very strongly that if you ask me a question, you'd better be prepared for the answer. If you don't want my honest answer, don't ask me the damned question.

I'm an honest person. I'm an unsympathetic person. If someone comes to me with a problem, I'm not going to give them a hug, and say "There, there.. everything will be ok." It won't. Bullshit words of sympathy don't accomplish anything. I'm going to be the person that says "Ok, you have a problem. Complaining about it may make you feel better for the moment, but guess what? You're going to wake up tomorrow with the same problem. Don't whine about it, Solve it. No, it's not easier said than done. You are ultimately responsible for your own life. You can't expect anyone to care about your problems, or go out of their way to solve your problems for you." This is admittedly a cynical, cold-hearted, unemotional, unsympathetic response to some person who's probably experiencing some significant emotional trauma. Every word of it is also 100% true. That may not be what said "person with problem" wants to hear. In Mo's case, I'm hardly going to look down on her though for not asking the question she already knows she doesn't want the answer to. I respect her for it. I wish more people were like her.

I like the way I am. I'm unemotional. Emotion is weak. It's unproductive. It's at best subjective, and at worst, outright self destructive. I'm a logical person by nature. Why be angry? Anger doesn't solve anything. I'd much rather work my brain cells trying to solve a problem in life, than sit around and be angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, or otherwise emotional about it. Most of this is a result of your stereotypical difficult childhood. Dad was a verbally, and physically abusive prick, Mom had about as much spine as a boneless chicken. I learned early on that I had noone to rely on but myself. I had no role model to teach me how to be. I had a role model that showed me how I *didn't* want to be. I don't want to make it sound all melodramatic, or anything. I didn't have it all that bad, really..lots of kids had it much worse. I never got any bones broken. I was never locked in a closet, or chained to the wall. The point is, I wouldn't wish unloving, abusive parents on anyone. I am very much a product of my environment. BUT, to be perfectly honest, I'm stronger, tougher, and better because of it.

Yeah, that's right.. Dad being an abusive prick made me strong. I'm not glad it happened, but I don't whine about it either. I am who I am. I make the best of it. Because of those difficulties in childhood, I'm smart, I'm fiercely independent, and I'm strong willed. I had my problems. I solved them. I solved them by deciding that emotion, sadness, depression, anger, etc. at my family didn't accomplish a damned thing. I learned how to distance myself from those useless emotions, and eventually nearly eliminate them.

Are there "downsides"? Sure. The result of this is that I'm not what most people would call "normal". I'm not very social. I'm not emotional. I have extreme difficulty doing things like speaking in public, or being social in groups of unfamiliar people. I have little tolerance for overly emotional people. I do consider emotion to be a weakness. I'm also perfectly happy this way. (Is that ironic, or just outright hypocritical? :) ) I know that this is fairly alien to most people. I'm aware that most people strongly disapprove of this. I'm aware that many people even consider my lack of emotion to be a weakness in itself. I'm comfortable with that. If only they knew how liberating it was. How clear, and unmuddled things become.

God doesn't exist. If (hypothetical) he does exist, you're insignificant. He doesn't care about you. He probably doesn't know you were ever born. Get over it. Don't be a sucker. Remember: If God wasn't a merciless, conniving, scheming, con artist bent on his own gratification, and material gain at the expense of others, Spiritual Salvation wouldn't come with a price tag.

I hate Christmas. It's a stupid holiday built on greed, and a twisted sense of obligation. Call me a Grinch (tm), a spoil sport, a party pooper, whatever you want, but deep down, if you really thought about it, you'd know I was 100% right. Eat Babies.

The truth is, I love Mo to death. It's cliche, and all, but I'd do pretty much anything for her. To use words like "best friend" makes it sound trite, and stupid. I respect the fuck out of her. I really do. She's absolutely brilliant. She's quick, she's witty, she's my intellectual equal, and best of all, she's completely and totally different from me. She has a horrible sense of direction. She's not a UNIX guru. She *IS* insanely witty. She's astoundingly perceptive. She's very well read. She's an incredible poet (even though I personally have no ability whatsoever to even begin to understand her poetry it's apparent that others do), she's a fantastic writer. She reads 5 billion words per minute (no joke. 5 billion. I kid you not.) She understands me, and accepts me for who I am, has no desire whatsoever to change me, and is still my friend despite the fact that we're complete opposites in quite a number of ways. (To be fair, we're eerily similar in an equal number of ways.) She's just damned likeable. I enjoy her company. We have similar senses of humor. If I'm sitting at home, and think "Hrm.. I'd like to go out, and do something.", she's invariably the first person to come to mind. This just feels natural.

My career choice was easy. What I enjoyed doing happened to be something that paid a lot of money. Yay me. Hers is much more difficult. What she enjoys doing is something that's phenomenally difficult to make a good living at. The fact that she's willing to do it anyway is infinitely more respectable. I'm just a whore to my paycheck. I enjoy what I do, but I wouldn't do it for free. She would. It's not so much that she just "would" do it. She'd be *compelled* to do it. In that sense she's more dedicated to her passions than I could ever be. I respect that, regardless of whether I share, or even understand those passions.

Now that she's gone off to Grad School up north, I do miss her. I'd feel weird going to see movies by myself, or with anyone else but her. 95% of the movies I ever go see, I see with her. Since she moved up there, I've seen one. Even that one was just a fluke. The weekend I was up there, we saw four. Anyway, I do miss her. It was absolutely inconceivable to even think of suggesting that she not go though. Selfishly, sure I'd like to see her more often, and continue to do the things we always did. I'd be pretty pissed at her if she threw away her opportunity to pursue her goals though. There's no excuse for not pursuing your dreams. [ I'm glad she seems so happy up there. I'm glad she seems to have adapted to it so quickly. It's important to me that she does what makes her happy.

There's nobody else I know, or ever have known that understands me so completely. I doubt there's anything I could, or would do that would surprise her all that much. We really can have entire conversations in a span of seconds without either one of us ever saying a word. It's downright scary.

All that being true, sure there are some things that we've never really talked about. I'm not the kind of person that discusses their emotions (what few there are), or heaps praise on people. For the most part, I tend to expect people to know themselves well enough that they don't need it. I don't heap praise on people, because I don't believe in being someone's emotional crutch. It's not my job to prop up their ego, give them a pat on the head, and make them feel good. I've dumped girlfriends for exactly that reason. Think Caitlyn. Great girl. I respect her (can you tell respect is important to me?) We're friends still, but she *needed* that emotional crutch. She needed that daily pat on the head. It ain't comin' from me. I don't heap praise on Mo because:

A.) It sounds cheesy, and sappy.
B.) Most of it, she already knows. If she already knows it, why repeat it?
C.) In one of my many weird personality traits, I hate receiving compliments, because I tend to think they're either frivolous, obvious, or insincere. I refrain from giving compliments, for much the same reason, or out of fear that they will be thought of as frivolous, insincere, etc..
D.) It would ruin my rep.
E.) I'd rather just surprise her with a DVD player. Less words, more practical, plays movies. Even gay ones.

Oh, and yes. I'm entirely aware that I've shamelessly used this entire alloquy to tell Mo exactly what I think of her, through you, without actually having to sit down, and have that odd, uncomfortable, strange conversation that sounds absurdly like some form of perverse idolatry. I figure she let me read her journal. Quid pro quo is only fair. You've been used. Doesn't it make you feel dirty?

"Tim"