Okay, not really. I haven't rested since school started. They've actually been making us do work, for one thing. And then there's my workout schedule, which has drastically cut into my valuable "sit around and do nothing" time.

I made the foolhardy decision to go to the gym and lift weights three days ago-- my arms are still sore. And I've been working closing shifts, which entails actual work-- mopping floors, washing dishes, hauling around patio furniture. This cuts into my valuable "stand around and do nothing while sipping a cappuccino and trying to figure out how many calories are in 1/16 of a chocolate chip cookie" time.

Last night I got home from work feeling physically and mentally wiped out. But to my credit, I decided to still do my yoga. I did it a little half assed, but it made my body feel noticeably better when I was done. As I'm typing this, I'm trying to work up the energy for tonight's yoga, and I'm drinking Riesling. A few more glasses, and I won't even feel the aches in my muscles. (Especially my milk-lifting arm. Ow.)

The hardest part of yoga is not the physical poses-- I can always modify them to an appropriate level of wussness. The hardest thing is "quieting the mind." I have a very active mind, and I always have to make a conscious effort to stop thinking.

"I should light candles next time I do yoga." "I wonder if my laundry's dry." "I want to wear flowers in my hair tomorrow." "Where should we go hiking this weekend?" "Ow, my hamstring hurts."

I've been doing better at quieting the mind, although there's a small fluffy vaudeville act in the corner of my room that really doesn't help matters at all. The other night, I was doing my Brave Warrior, my mind completely focused, when I made a fatal mistake. I glanced at the birds. They were both staring at me, puffy and fluffy, blinking slowly. They looked like they were about to fall asleep and topple off the perch, they were so soothed by my yoga. Well forget quieting the mind; I cracked right up.

And then I fell down.

So yeah, I'm kinda worn out. And yet, I've never felt better.

Some of this has to do with the Matt situation. Things remain unresolved, but I feel it hanging over me less and less. I can see it all much clearer now: his untrustworthiness, his false promises, his lies of omission. It's empowering to know that even if I could, I wouldn't take him back.

Right after he broke up with me, I had that typical feeling of abysmal self esteem that comes from being dumped. I was at a low point in my life for many reasons, but that was the icing on the cake. And I felt that, of course, why wouldn't he dump me? I'm this and I'm that-- I could list many horrible adjectives.

Now, I look back on that girl, and want to give her a hug, and say, "Oh, come on, cheer up. You're an amazing person. It's his loss." Because if I've learned anything from the whole experience, I've learned this: I am a strong, independent, fabulous woman. I don't have to settle for anything. I don't have to be afraid of being alone. I have my family, my friends and myself. My very own kick ass self. What more do I need?

As for love, I deserve someone who I can trust with my heart. I deserve someone who respects me. I deserve someone who can be a supportive friend. I deserve love, and commitment, and honesty. I deserve someone who I can look up to, and admire, and respect.

And you know what? It is his loss.

Damn right it is.

"(I don't even need to comment on this, do I? You're wiping tears of mirth from your eyes without any help from me, right?) So help me, if I ever lay out one penny for something as exquisitely stupid as renting Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you have permission to kill me dead."