Well, here I sit, with a Word file open, a large soda next to me, and my TV tuned to ABC. It's time to watch the Academy Awards.

I still have ten minutes or so before the "arrivals" show starts. I remember watching this when I had more than five channels, flipping back and forth between all the stations to see all their coverage. The one channel I never turned to was E!, because I hate Joan Rivers and her bitch ass daughter with a white hot passion.

I am so excited that Steve Martin is this year's host. I just love him. If I were in Los Angeles, I'd be stalking the after parties tonight, in the hopes of seeing exactly two people: Benicio del Toro and Steve Martin. Actually, it would be cool to see Julia Roberts too. And Tim's boyfriend Russell Crowe, but I saw him last year.

Well, next year I'll go be a stalker again. This year, I just didn't plan ahead. I'm starting to regret it now, though.

It's on! Oh, I like Roger Ebert's red carpet interviews. He always asks intelligent questions. Plus, the red carpet is so exciting. I always wonder who the random people in the background are, and what they're saying to each other. Last year, I remember driving to the after party, and the streets were just crowded with limos-- we even saw a Humvee limo. It's such an exciting atmosphere.

They're doing clips and stuff, just to fill time before the real stars start showing up. Gladiator might not be a great movie, but it really brought the Coliseum to life for me (I saw it right before I went to Rome). I'll always have a soft squishy spot in my heart for it, overrated or not.

I didn't do very well seeing all the nominated stuff this year. I did see all five Best Picture nominees (thanks to last night's Traffic viewing) but I missed everything from Pollock to Shadow of the Vampire. I didn't even see Cast Away. Then again, I really have no desire to see Cast Away.

Hey, there's Joan Allen. Great tangerine color. Oh, Ang Lee. I adore him. Ever since he was overlooked as Best Director for Sense & Sensibility (one of my favorite films of all time), I've been waiting for him to get his due. He's a genius. I hope he wins. Willem Dafoe. I couldn't stand him until I saw him in Last Temptation of Christ, and he was so brilliant in that, I couldn't help admiring him.

Chow Yun Fat. Hecka sexy. Oh god, there's Benicio. Come over here and let me lick you. I love you. I lick you. Beniiiicio. Oh, swoon. What is it about that guy that makes him so hot? He's not even good looking and he has scruffy hair. Well, whatever. I want him. Marcia Gay Harden. Annoying and not humble at all.

Mike Myers. Love him. Miss him. Why doesn't he make a movie or something? Winona Ryder looks beautiful. It's eerie the way she doesn't seem to age at all. She's endearingly inarticulate. Michelle Yeoh. Beautiful and so talented. Ugly dress, though. Jamie Bell. Man, I have impure thoughts about that kid.

The Zeta-Jones-Douglases. I will never understand why she married him. I hate the story that when he was watching Zorro, he said, "I'm going to marry her." Based on nothing except her extreme beauty. Feh. Kate Hudson. Another ugly dress. Although the fringe is appropriate. My god, what happened to Jennifer Lopez? It looks like she was trapped in a tanning bed for a week. She's wearing an interesting dress, though; great colors. Ed Harris is sexy, but wearing an ugly suit. What's with all the ugly clothes? Judi Dench. How can you not love her?

Sigourney Weaver. Another ugly dress. Well, the exploding flower portion of it, anyway. Juliette Binoche has an ass ugly hair clip. Bjork. Okay, she's wearing a dead swan around her neck, but she's Bjork, so it's okay. Goldie Hawn has the strangest mouth, but it's so cute that Kate's parents are here to cheer her on.

Juliette Binoche is wearing many pearls over a lovely black dress. Love the glove things. I think the outfit is kind of gutsy and cute, but the diamond hair clip and earrings are too much. She's overaccessorized. Hasn't she seen L.A. Story? Steve Martin should help her out with that. Frances McDormand looks scary with the tan and the hair. What is with these people this year?.

ABC pre-show. Thank god they're not doing that annoying Geena Davis thing again. Oh, I didn't see Catherine Zeta-Jones' dress before. It's pretty. She looks beautiful. Oh, Morgan Freeman. I like the monochrome black tux, but the design is ugly. But it's Morgan Freeman, and he's a genius, so who cares.

Tom Hanks. Quintessential nice guy, great actor, standard tux. Nothing controversial there. Holy shit, you can totally see J Lo's nipples. I didn't notice that before. There's Julia. She looks spectacular. What a dress. I'll be happy to see her win. I want to have sex with Benicio del Toro. Have I mentioned that?

Hilary Swank: ugly dress. Ashley Judd: ugly dress. Halle Berry: pretty dress. Russell Crowe: nice tie. Samuel Jackson: always sexed up. Oh wow, Bjork's whole dress is a swan. She's so Bjorky and bizarre. Oh, Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor. How cute. Love that color Christine is wearing. Renee Zellweger: lovely dress.

Time for the show!

Interesting opening space sequence. Different tone than the Billy Crystal stuff, but effective. Very 2001. Yay! Steve Martin! I love you!

Ha. Good Russell Crowe joke. Russell looks like he wants to rush the stage and kick Steve Martin's ass. I saw him outside a party last year, scowling. Ha. Steve Martin is making me laugh. Ha. Hee. Ha. Okay, he's funny. And he seems very comfortable. Ha. More funniness. Check out Julia Roberts, hyperventilating. She's so cute. Ha. Now everyone's clapping for Steve. We love him.

Art Direction. Okay, I have to pull up my picks in Elizabeth's Oscar Pool. Who did I vote for? Gladiator. Well, that seems wrong. Nope, it's Crouching. I suck. But I'm happy that Crouching won. I'd be thrilled to see it upset Gladiator for Best Picture.

Wow, that was a short speech. When are the producers going to realize that they need to take out the stupid production numbers and clip shows and endless tributes, rather than trying to cut the speeches? I think people should be allowed to speak as long as they want, and never be played off the stage.

Supporting Actress. My Oscar pool pick: Kate Hudson. Holy shit, it's Marcia Gay Harden. What a fucking surprise. This is always the upset category, isn't it? Man, now I wish I had gone and seen Pollock today. Damn, Kate Hudson's speech would have been much better. At least she would have cried.

Russell Crowe is pretty damn sexy. Okay, what category is this? I was distracted by the sexiness. Oh, editing. Winner: Traffic. I am 0 for 3 in my Oscar pool picks. But I'm happy about this one. Traffic is a great film. And so far, Gladiator hasn't won anything. I bet it's going to be upset,. as well it should be.

Steve Martin is funny. Oh, did I say that already? In that case, Benicio del Toro is hot.

Okay, I totally spaced out there for a second. Quiero Ser won, whatever it is. Oh, Live Action Short Film. I chose... yay! This one! I finally got one. Now Animated Short. I didn't get this one either. Then again, I don't actually care. For the record, Father and Daughter won.

Now Sting. Okay, whatever. Time to go back to writing my novel.

Annette Bening. Gorgeous, both her and the dress. Erin Brockovich clips. A good movie, but it is Julia Roberts that makes it great. She deserves the Oscar. The film, not so much.

Wow. Penelope Cruz is wearing a stunning dress. Okay, Costumes. I chose Crouching. Nope, Gladiator. Well, forget what I said before. No shut out for Gladiator. But no sweep, either, which makes it anyone's ballgame. I obviously suck, because I still only have one measly point in the Oscar pool.

Supporting Actor. If Benicio does not win, I will be so sad. Ha, Joaquin is rolling his eyes at his own performance. He deserves to get an Oscar one of these days. YES! Benicio. My baby. Love him. Love. Him. I like this transition thing, where they show clips from the awards that were just handed out. It's nice. This show seems to be pretty well produced, so far.

Sound. I picked U-571. Aw, I saw that with Tim. Nope, Gladiator. Damn, that movie is going to win Best Picture, isn't it? Sound Editing. This time I picked Gladiator, and U-571 won it. I got it backwards. I suck. I suuuaaack.

Okay, a song from Crouching. Aw. I saw this with Tim, too. I think I'm getting maudlin. It's because they keep showing his boyfriend, Russell. This is kind of a lame dance thingie. But it's a pretty song.

Cinematographer. I went for Crouching. Yay! Got it. And this decreases the likelihood of a Gladiator sweep. It's nice to see the awards being distributed so they don't telegraph the Best Picture winner from the outset. Although the odds of Crouching winning both Best Picture and Best Foreign Film aren't that good.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon montage. What a film. The sound, the acting, the direction. I really loved this movie, and now that I understand the ending and the whole flying thing, I love it so much more.

Makeup. Oh, little Kate Hudson. She seems so sweet; I'm sorry she lost. My pick was Grinch. (I just went with Entertainment Weekly for most of these, by the way, which seems to have been a bad idea.) In this case, it was a good idea. I got it.

Okay, Dustin Hoffman is talking about something. An honorary thing. These are boring. I'm going to go do something else.

Documentaries. Here struts Sam Jackson to present these. I, apparently, voted for "Arms" and "Curtain" for these categories. I see. And the winner is, Big Mama. Alrighty then. Okay, the next winner. Into the Arms of Strangers, or as its lovingly known around here, "Arms." Cool.

Wow, Sarah Jessica Parker in a miniskirt. She looks nice, though. Another musical number. Swell. Time to pee.

Ha. Great kidnapping joke; Tom Hanks is such a good sport. I bet Russell Crowe was just glowering away, and that's why they never cut to him. But really, you can't blame him for not having a sense of humor about scary threats against him. It was a little tasteless, but it was funny, so there.

Chow Yun Fat and Michelle Yeoh. Love them. What chemistry they have. Okay, I went for Hollow Man for Visual Effects. I sort of went out on a limb here. I didn't even see this movie. The previews just looked impressive. But Gladiator won, of course. I forgot about that whole re-creating the Coliseum thing. They deserved it.

Ugh, I take it back. The bottom of Renee Zellweger's dress looks like-- I don't know what. The bottom of a really ugly dress. Okay, here's Sigourney and the Exploding Flower, with some clips from Gladiator. I really would feel more warmly about this movie if it wasn't so typical of the traditional epic crap that the Academy goes for instead of inventive, interesting, bold stuff.

I bet Goldie Hawn was so pissed off her daughter lost, she just did twelve lines of coke. Okay, more music. Musical score crap. I voted for Crouching here. Wow. This is beautiful, actually. Here's Goldie again. Yep, coke. And maybe some Quaaludes. Crouching did it. I knew it. Aw, I like this guy. I like his speech.

Anthony Hopkins babbling about something or another. Not paying attention. Now some guy is thanking some people. Check me out over here, not caring.

Okay, here comes Winona. Lovely dress; I didn't see the bottom of it before. Okay, I'm totally going to pay attention to Bjork now. I hope she's still wearing the Flaccid Swan dress. I have listened to this MP3 many, many times. I didn't like the movie, but I love this song. Hey, where's Peter Stormare? I love his part. Wow, she sure looks beautiful, Flaccid Swan and all.

I love some of the cuts they make. They just cut to Angelina Jolie. Like, Who else is "quirky" that we can cut to?

And here's John Travolta, fresh from his Worst Actor of the Year award. And the dead people montage. I like this montage. Because I'm morbid, I suppose. I love seeing who gets applause and who doesn't. Kind of tacky to applaud, like, "Yay! So-and-so died!" But I know I'd applaud if someone I really admired ended up in the montage. Oh, Richard Farnsworth. I was so sad about that. Jason Robards died? When the hell did that happen? Oh, Walter Matthau. They showed him in Hello, Dolly even. Nice silent transition there. Respectful touch.

Wow, foreign language film. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Ya THINK? Yay, Ang Lee gets his first Oscar. My favorite director.

Ben Affleck: scruffy and adorable. Traffic montage. What a phenomenal film. You read my review, yes? If you did, you know how I feel about this film.

Oh my god, what the hell was up with that "Love Don't Cost A Thing" song excerpt? That was freaky. Now Bob Dylan. Grand. Time to... I don't know. Actively ignore the television, I suppose. Man, the glimpses of that I just caught were freaky as hell. Bob Dylan scares me.

Best Song. I went for Scary Bob Dylan. And his freaky ass self wins. Darn. I really, really wanted Bjork to win.

Best Actor already. Wow, that was quick. Okay, I guessed Tom Hanks. Unfortunately, I didn't see most of the performances in this category. I love Ed Harris, though. And Geoffrey Rush was amazing. Okay, the winner. Russell Crowe? Oh my freaking god! What a fucking shocker! He should have won last year. This is such a "make it up to you for last year" award. And maybe a "glad you haven't been kidnapped yet" award. Or a "thanks for not fucking MY wife this year" award. He looks so shocked. And, I must add, gorgeous. (I think I'm oversexed. I want to have sex with everyone from Steve Martin to Jamie Bell. Okay, fine, Jamie Bell if he was legal.)

Chocolat montage. Oh, I loved this movie. I think it doesn't stand a chance. I think Gladiator is a lock right about now. Russell Crowe won, after all.

Julie Andrews looks very grandmotherly for some reason. It's the hair, I think. Totally erases her sex appeal. Her dress is spectacular, though. Nice touch with the diamond necklace. Can the earrings, and it would be perfect. Okay, wait. What the hell is she talking about? I don't know, but they just showed some more Hello, Dolly. I should really pay attention.

Here comes Ernest Lehmann, who probably had something to do with all those clips. Oh, he's a screenwriter! Yay. He's speaking on behalf of screenwriters. Amen, my crusty old brother. And my darling Benicio is cutely applauding. Hang on. I need to go use my new "muscle massager" for a minute.

Okay, I'm kidding. Possibly.

Yay, Kevin Spacey. Oh, he looks nice. Weird and shiny, but nice. Okay, Best Actress. Never saw Requiem for a Dream. Rumor has it, Ellen Burstyn was rather good. Oh, Laura Linney was spectacular. But look at Julia. What a sweetheart.

And she wins! Of course. Oh my, check out the back of that dress. That's rather frightening. Oh, Benjamin Bratt is so sweet. Julia is so damn endearing and overwhelmed and sweet. Nobody could possibly begrudge her this award. Hey, did she forget to mention Erin Brockovich? Oh, they always forget somebody important.

Here's Tom Hanks. Shave that tiny little thing off your face, Tom. It's scaring me. Screenplay. Yay, Traffic! I picked it, and I was rooting for it. It was a fantastic screenplay. Man, this guy totally looks like David E. Kelly. Original screenplay. I went for You Can Count on Me. What a fantastic film. And Cameron Crowe wins! Wow. He's overdue for one of these. I bet Roger Ebert is happy now, since he loved Almost Famous. Another upset. These are exciting awards.

Best Director. Holy shit! Stephen Soderbergh for Traffic. Another upset! That's a shocker, but he does deserve it, totally, even over Ang Lee. He is really talented, and he had a great year. Oh, what a great speech. Thanks, Stephen. God, now I'm thinking Traffic has a shot at the big award. This is really exciting.

Here comes Best Picture. Gladiator. How anticlimactic. Well, at least they didn't give it all the awards. It didn't deserve this award, though. Not over Traffic, that's for damn sure. Oh well. They all seem really happy to get it.

So, to recap: Steve Martin is funny, and I want to lick Benicio del Toro. I think that covers it. Oh, also, please send me links to your own post-Oscar entries. I love reading them.

Well, I had a lot of fun writing this. And I'd like to thank my readers for making this possible. And my sister, who's always been so supportive. My parents, of course. Athena, for inspiring me with her own Oscar entry in progress. My muscle massager, Benicio, for being such a wonderful companion. The Flaccid Swan, for being an inspiration to me... the... hey, where's that music coming from?

"California Cool Monique gave way to Monique the Complete and Utter Starstruck Twit: 'Ohmigod it’s a limo!! Who’s in that one!? What if Kevin Spacey is in that one? What if it’s Brad Pitt?? Ohmigod!!!' 'Ohmigod they waved!! Those people in the back of the limo WAVED. Who is it? Can you tell who it is?' 'No! I have no idea! They’re waving RIGHT AT US!!' 'It could be anyone!! It could be Robert DeNiro!!' 'It could be Tom Cruise!!!' "It could be Burt Bacharach!" 'Ohmigod. I think I just saw Ben Stiller in a Lexus.' 'You’re KIDDING!' 'Swear to GOD I think that was Ben Stiller in that Lexus!!'"