This country is still run by rich white men. Women don't have an equal rights amendment. Our freedom of choice is constantly under attack. Blacks and other minorities are systematically marginalized. Gay rights are practically nonexistent; we can't even get hate crime legislation passed. The Ku Klux Klan is still alive and kicking and adopting highways. Housing is not considered a basic human right, although if you murder someone, you're guaranteed housing for life. Freedom of speech is under attack.

And that's just the United States, which is the bright side of this little coin. Let's talk about the repression of women around the world. Let's talk about the fact that rape and female circumcision and female infanticide and "woman is the property of man" is still considered normal in many parts of the world. Let's talk about genocide and the AIDS plague in Africa and starvation and disease and war and overpopulation. How about the fact that the greenhouse effect is killing the environment?

None of this is news. We live in a fucked up world, when you look at it realistically. Why haven't I been more pissed off?

Maybe it's because I live in a progressive city, and among progressive people. It is really easy to stick your head in the sand when the people who surround you basically agree with you. It's easy to say, Well, when my generation is in power, things will be different, damnit. It's easy to forget that there's a big swath of the country where my generation isn't quite so liberal as I would hope.

And I guess it's just easy to stick your head in the sand, period. Human beings are fundamentally self centered, and my self is doing just fine. I live a privileged life, and it's ridiculous to pretend otherwise. I am a white woman and an American. I have a computer and a stereo and a car. I can read any book I want to. I have the right to vote. I am no man's property. I am free.

I could spend every night watching movies and hanging out with my friends, and writing, and not paying attention to the news, and being happy. I could choose not to be offended and depressed by the stuff happening in the larger world around me. I could be oblivious and content.

And that's not right.

I wrote about this on my birthday, but it has suddenly come into sharp focus for me. I want to do something. I really want to make a difference in the world. And I never went through that idealistic phase where I thought that was possible. In fact, I've spent a lot of time believing that it's just not possible. The world is the way it is, and it's not going to change.

The other morning, my alarm woke me up to some Christian radio station where this legal organization was talking about their continued fight against the ACLU, sex education and evolution. I laid there in bed thinking, you know, I disagree with these people with every ounce of my strength. But I haven't lifted a finger to do anything about it. At least these people are doing something, are standing up for what they believe in. At least they are making their voices heard.

Sure, I donate money to worthy causes. (Well, when I could afford to.) And I vote, which is not nothing. But there's so much more that I could be doing. There's so much more than being vaguely offended, and then going back to my own problems and getting on with my life. I don't write to my congresspeople, I don't pay attention to world news, I don't attend protests, or join letter writing campaigns, or donate blood, or volunteer for anything.

And that has to stop. I'm sick of being cynical and apathetic. I'm sick of believing that, fundamentally, I can never help effect real change in the world. I'm old enough to know better, and I'm young enough to take a chance. I'm twenty six. I'm not ready to give up yet.

This also led to some thoughts about ambition.

I think I am an ambitious person. In fact, I know this to be true. I want to be well read, a successful poet, a good friend and an independent woman. And also responsible, financially solvent, and organized. I want to be respectful and worthy of respect. I want to be smart and beautiful and wise.

To a greater or lesser extent, I am all of these things. But I always want to improve myself. I always want to be working towards my goals. That's ambition, and it's an important, valuable, great thing. I am proud of myself for having good goals, and the determination to follow through on them.

But I have a lot of fucking goals. And half the time, I just shut down, because it's too much to contemplate. I am easily overwhelmed by my own life. I look around my room right now and think:

It's three in the morning. I should be going to sleep soon so I can wake up a little early tomorrow and go buy the thank you cards at the drugstore before I see my friends. I still need to put those vacation photos in the album. I should have done that yesterday. Crap, my chapbook isn't going to be done in time for my reading. I should work on that this weekend. Oh, I need to buy water. Did I drink enough water today? Man, I need to vacuum. And I should put my laundry away. And do more laundry. Oh, I have to return those books, and that game. I should work out before I go to sleep. I need to call Danielle back. I should deposit my paycheck before I go out tomorrow. What about...

...and on and on. This is how my brain works, all the time. I beat myself up for not getting it all done, as if there's an end to the responsibilities I have in life. And seventy five percent of this stuff is self inflicted. Will the world come to an end if I don't vacuum, or put my photos in an album? Does anyone except me care if my chapbook is done on April 10, or if my laundry is folded?

I can answer that for you. In a word, no.

So how can I add activism to my agenda? How can I pile it on top of an already full plate? I need to rethink my priorities in life. I have ambition by the buttload. What I lack is focus and discipline. I need to decide what's really important, and make an organized plan for accomplishing these important things. I need to let go of the unreasonable pressure I put on myself, and I also need to actually get off my ass and do the things I say I am going to do.

Focus and discipline. How do I cultivate these things?

I'm actually asking you, because I don't know. I've never been particularly disciplined. And I often feel as if I am going a hundred directions at once-- if I had fewer projects going on, I could probably get a lot more done. But how do I give up a goal that's important, when they are all important? How do I put a dream on hold?

Don't get me wrong. I have known people who are far worse than I-- who have a million dreams and goals for themselves and never follow through on any of it. I mean, here I am, in San Francisco, pursuing my MFA just like I promised myself I would. I must be doing something right. But I don't fully engage in my classes, and I sleep too much, and I spend too much time online... and not enough gets done. Not nearly enough.

Unfortunately, my epiphany hasn't provided me with a magical key to unlock this puzzle. I don't even know what the next step will be. I feel that I'm on the verge of some great shift in thinking, and I guess I'm just waiting for the shift to happen. (I'm approaching twenty seven, which might have something to do with it. Astrologically, that's a huge age.)

I do know that I have to organize my goals better. And with this "change the world" thing, I have to pick one cause to work for, or one organization to support. I can't spread myself too thin. If I want to make a difference, I have to start somewhere, and focus on that, and make it happen.

Focus. Discipline. Activism.

I know what I need. Now... where do I start?

Nothing.