I think that fat acceptance is still important. As a Person of Size, I know how it feels to be discriminated against. Fat jokes are still funny. Eating seems like a shameful thing to do. People make assumptions based on size. People make rude remarks to you on the street, in front of your friends, and you have to pretend you didn't hear them.

Did I tell you that when I was in Holland, my five year old nephew started calling me "Big Fat Monique"? (This was in Dutch, of course.) Well, he did. At first, I cracked up. This was my big mistake, because then he thought he was funny. So for the next three weeks, it was "Big Fat Monique" or just simply, "Fatty." My sister and laughed until tears streamed down our faces one night, when he made up a song. The lyrics were-- you guessed it-- "Big Fat Monique."

You just have to laugh at something like that, but there was one afternoon where I had horrible PMS, and it really, really got to me. I just lost it. I almost started crying in front of my entire family, on a public street. I was tired of being called names by my nephew, and it was embarrassing to have his parents overhear it and yell at him on my behalf. I couldn't find the words in Dutch to say that he hurt my feelings.

And you know, despite the fact that I could laugh about it with my sister, I didn't write about it here. I could see the humor, but it was still embarrassing and humiliating and painful. My nephew loves me, but kids are honest, you know? Hey, you're fat. They don't realize that for most people, it's a shameful thing to be. They don't realize the implications of that honesty.

I really could go on and on about how much it sucks sometimes. It's hard enough being overweight without having people come down on you and look down on you for it. While the health risks of overweight should never be glossed over, I don't think fat people should be marginalized the way that they are.

Marginalizing fat people further is not going to help them lose weight. Accepting people for who they are will help them break the cycle. I firmly believe that this is true.

I am not trying to diminish some of my own body issues. Sometimes, I hate being overweight. But a lot of the time-- the vast majority of the time-- I feel beautiful and sexy and attractive. I look at other women who are around my size, and I find them beautiful and sexy as well.

I have no problem believing that I am a beautiful person. Sure, there are people who are not attracted to me because of my size. But if I am not someone's type, so be it, you know? I can accept that. I am still beautiful to many people, and that's not something I have a hard time believing.

My megalomaniacal self confidence probably has a lot to do with it. My flirtatious personality also may be a factor. I know I have insecurities. But seriously, is there anyone out there who isn't insecure? I feel typical, most of the time. I feel good about myself.

However. I do want to lose weight. I don't want to be skinny and sculpted and perfect, but I'd like to be thinner. Those health reasons that Athena talked about are great reasons. The list that Jolene has been making in her brand new diet journal (yeah, I may start one) contains some other reasons. I'd like to be less physically limited, and I'd like to be healthier.

So why is it so hard?

I don't know what my personal weight issues are, I really don't. I don't know why I can't lose the weight that I'd like to.

I don't feel like I eat that much; I don't feel like I eat that much crap. I went to Jamba Juice a whole back and saw some testimonial from a woman who has lost like 80 pounds on Jamba Juice. She says in the article, "I used to drink 30 Cokes a day. I stopped doing that, and I lost weight."

Oh gee. Ya think?!?

If I ate five Snickers bars for breakfast or drank a two liter bottle of Coke every day, I could maybe understand. If all I had to do was stop eating a package of Oreos for lunch every day, it would make sense.

I do have some bad habits. I snack late at night. I eat out of boredom. I have a fatal weakness for chocolate. My food journal is sporadic. I have hormonal days where I want to eat everything in sight. I snack at work. I am trying to attack these habits one at a time. (Last project: drink lots of water. I've been doing well. Current project: cut out sugar. Doing well.)

But, although I do eat junk food, I try to eat rationally most of the time. I live on low fat subs, and I drink nonfat milk, and I try to make conscious, healthy choices. I've cut soda out of my diet and I drink tons of water now. I don't exercise every day like I should, but I do exercise.

I rarely eat fried foods. I eat salads or grilled chicken sandwiches when I go to fast food restaurants. I eat fruits and vegetables. I don't eat red meat. I try to stay away from mayonnaise. I order cheeseless pizza. I am learning to leave food on my plate. I no longer eat until I feel stuffed.

Many of these habits are new things, though. I used to eat a lot of crappy food, fast food, stuff like that. I can definitely understand how I got to this point, and sometimes I'm really fucking angry with myself for letting myself be overweight for so long. It's probably pretty typical: I look back towards a weight that was thinner, and think, I know I hated myself then, but I looked great.

The implication being that I no longer look great. Well fuck that mentality, because it's not going to get me anywhere. I'm learning not to do that anymore.

I always used to blame my mother. She came down on me time and time again for being overweight, but she has the same issues. She put me on short lived diets, but at the same time, she taught me to use food for comfort. She enjoyed making me happy with food. She passed on her own unhealthy relationship with food.

But that's not really her fault. Her issues are probably as difficult for her as they are for me. So I try not to judge her anymore.

Are these my psychological issues? I don't know. I hear people say, "Oh, if you're fat, it's because you build up a wall around yourself to keep people away from you." I have never, not once, been able to apply that to my life. I am close to many people. I love being close to people. I have never noticed myself trying to keep them away.

I have considered everything from surgery to therapy to cocaine. Don't think I don't have the same extreme thoughts as others do, or the same moments of self loathing. But I think I'm making progress, mentally and physically. And with persistence and discipline, I will continue to make progress.

But it doesn't mean I don't love myself now, at this moment.

The other day, my professor said, speaking of race, that it's easier to judge people when you objectify them. If someone is just "a black person" then they are no longer complicated or difficult or unique. They fit inside a little box of stereotypes, and can be dismissed.

I don't want to be dismissed. I'm complicated and difficult and unique, I am! I am sexy and intelligent and cute. I am loved and admired and respected. I am not some marginalized "fat" person. I am my own happy, sparkly self.

And I am beautiful, too. You better believe it.

"I feel like I’m on the brink of a grand adventure--an E-ticket ride with my head and arms outside the car, and plenty of food and drink on board. And if the man says no flash photography?

Then damn the man."