I bet many of you have had similar experiences-- getting mail from someone who doesn't really understand concepts like "the internet" and "typing." Well, my father is one of those people. However, his e-mail is so adorable and enthusiastic, I have to share.

First of all, you need to know that my father's English is not so great. He moved here from Holland when he was 21, and he understands it fairly well, but he has a thick accent and sometimes tends towards malapropisms. For example, he replaces the word "if" with the word "or" sometimes. "I want to know or you are going out." That's just the way he talks. We've gotten used to it in speech, but it's still funny to see it written out.

I changed some names to protect the innocent, but everything else (including all the stuff in brackets) is the original text. And yes, Fredthedutchman is his real e-mail address. It was just too priceless to change.

When I am through, you will love my father and want to send him e-cards. This I promise.

Okay, so here's the first e-mail I ever got from dad. You should know that "walunits" are wall units. And also, we bought my Oma a talking picture frame for Christmas. Her four (American) grandkids recorded an "I love you" message that she can play by pushing a button. So that's what my dad is talking about.

From: Fredthedutchman@xxxxx.xxx
To: mo_1770@hotmail.com
Subject: personel.
Date: 23 Feb 2001

Dear Monique. Wel you won^t believe this I got this thing going all by myself.as you noticed I made a couple of errors but practice makes perfect.We have now all the picturers from the vacation and are sorting them.In the living room we have changed the two walunits around ,talked to oma this morning She told me that the weather was cloudy and that it was kind of gloomy. also every morning she pushes the little knob on the picture frame and hear you girls talking wich she always enjous Ihope everything is goingyour way mom told me your last tests you had all A^s Wel what can I say keep upp the good work and enjoy yourself.

I enjoued putting this thing together so let me or this came over allright
Hope to hear from you soon.

love DAD.

I showed my father how to make a smiley. I know I shouldn't propagate the evil smiley, but look how cute my father is! How could I resist?

Here's something else cute: when I went home for a visit once, he proudly handed me a piece of paper. My brother-in-law sent him an e-card. My father was so enthusiastic about the e-card, he printed it out. Not just the card itself, but the e-mail which directed him to the card. He excitedly pointed to the instructions showing me how I could send an e-card of my very own! My father. So cute, it hurts.

I just sent him an e-card.

From: Fredthedutchman@xxxxx.xxx
To: mo_1770@hotmail.com
Subject: hello.
Date: 8 March 2001

Hello Monique. How did you like New California DIisney? Abby showed her pictures and they were very nice.Your girlfriend looks like a nice girl.We are very happy for you that you wil be getting that big tax refund ,I think we won^t be that lucky,but then you never know.Monique any favorits in the L.A mayers race? I think I wil go for Joel Wachs! I like your ; ) ,I send one Birthday greeting with that sign and explained what it suppose to be I am painting the bedroom white and also the living room ,the halway and that orange wal near the kitchen all white.It looks much brighter now.Also the new front door is in ,and it looks very nice. wel that is it for now againMAM and DAD wish you good luck with your ongoing study. Lots of love from both of uss DAD.

I love the way he writes, just randomly throwing information in as it occurs to him. It's automatic writing at its finest. My family sent me a fruit and wine gift basket on the night of my poetry reading. There's a reference to it in this next one.

From: Fredthedutchman@xxxxx.xxx
To: mo_1770@hotmail.com
Subject: how are you doing?
Date: 12 April 2001

Dear Monique. What^s upp? We are doing fine . The election did not turn in my favor I voted for Kathaleen Connonly she is the state controler but she lost for mayor,voted laura Chick for city controler she won! Mike Fuer for city attorny he is in a run off with someone else.Enough politics .How did your poetry reading turn out? Hope it went fine!When you came home last night was there a surprise at your door? We all hope you liked it. Friday the new carpet wil be put in by that time we are ready to start moving furniture in the new house.I looked at your room it looks like I have to paint the walls, it is very holy if you know what I mean ,don"t worry I won"t desturb any of your papers oke. So now you know some news from us ,o Igot an e mail from Chris a few days ago saying that they were very busy ,that he had little time to respond to our e mail After Itold him we love to get e mail from the girls and if Conny would like to try the computor that would be fine also, and this morning gues what ,there was an e mail from Conny Ihad it printed out so we can save it .Anyway that is all the news we have .Mam and I are looking forward to see you soon here in L A, Have asafe trip comming down here oke!!!! lots of love MAM and DAD.

In which he talks about himself in the third person, and shows off his smiley-making ability. The flyer he's talking about is a flyer about the house they're selling.

From: Fredthedutchman@xxxxx.xxx
To: mo_1770@hotmail.com
Subject: flyer.
Date: 20 May 2001

Hi there, regarding the flyer ,we don;t need it anymore but thanks ,that you would like to have done it.[is that proper english?] .Mam went today with aunt L and uncle P for lunch where J works, J served them and had a surprice for them after lunch ,she asked her boss or they could use the motor boat for a trip around the lake [westlake] wich they did , p was the captain. Dad had to work today.Today we had two prospected buyers looking at our house wich Abby did not like at all, we only had open house for the realestate brokers and sofar there are no open houses plannend.in a way they are apain in the butt because your house have to be in nice order all the time! Aunt L brought pictures home from Oma^s apartment they are very nice ofcourse we save them for you :) :) !!!!! Wel that is about all the news I have for now. Lots of love MAM and DAD.Good luck at school!!!!!!!

This next one features a hallmark moment: he finally learns how to spell "Mom." Plus, the signoff is the funniest thing ever in the history of funniness.

From: Fredthedutchman@xxxxx.xxx
To: mo_1770@hotmail.com
Subject: responding to your letter.
Date: 26 May 2001

Dear Monique,Read your on friday night. As you are aware our house is on the market .Our broker is Coldwell banker,the house is listed in the daily newson weekends also it is on the internet under WWW.XXXXXXXX.COM Friday a week ago we had open house for the brokers and a week from sunday there wil be an open house for the public.In the meantime we have to keep the house in neat order,that wil be alittle difficult for Abby but she is trying. We all are trying.How are things going with you at school making progres? I hope that the difficulties wil work out for you and the school ofcourse! Tomorrow we have another garage sale at Troost again an Monday we are invited at aunt l for a barbeque about 8 people .O Abby took her first dip in the pool water was about 82 degrees so not to bad Wel one more win for the Lakers on Sunday and we are going to the finals.Tonights game was a blowout. Anyway you know some more news from us.so keep in touch with the dutch!!!!!!!!!! love MOM and DAD.

"I feel like I’m being broken up with in a way. Isn’t that stupid."