People are fucked up. That's my conclusion. What other conclusion can you come to when not just one person, but several people, find your site by searching for "fucking+grandma"? That's just sick, people.

But I'm all about giving the people what they want. I would hate for anyone to come here looking for something and then go away disappointed. So here now, all you fine people, is what you've come looking for.

purple+parakeet

Well, there's no such thing. But in the interest of serving the public, I took Cassie and dipped her in some purple Easter egg dye. I'm not sure why you want your parakeet to be purple, but here at the Cassiecabana, we're going with it.

pay+my+bills+on+time

I usually pay my bills on time, so I guess you've come to the right place on this one. I used to be notoriously bad at paying my bills. Then I hit on a system that worked. I picked one TV show that I watched religiously every week. (At the time, it was Ally McBeal. I know. I repent.) Every week during that show, I paid my bills. So do that!

Unless you don't watch TV. In which case, I cannot help you.

misto+coffee

Aha! Misto! As a Minion of the Antichrist, I can answer this one for you.

A Misto is the same thing as a Café Au Lait. It's half coffee, half steamed milk, usually topped with foam. As opposed to a Latte, which is one or more shots of espresso, plus steamed milk, plus foam. A macchiatto is espresso topped with foam. "Breve" means that it is made with half and half instead of milk. Not that you asked, but once I get going...

pictures+of+my+boobs

These are actually my boobs. I find it interesting that someone is out there searching for a picture of their own boobs. It's called a mirror. Duh. But you can pretend these are yours. I know you want to.

funny+tv+commercials

I really like that milk commercial where the guy dies and thinks he's in heaven, and eats some cake or something, and then opens the fridge and there's a bunch of milk cartons, and they're all empty, and then he goes, "Where am I?" and he's in hell. That's a good one.

And although it's disgusting, I like the new 7Up taste test one, where they compare the soda to things like chum and bile. Eew. It's funny, though. The Britney Spears one was funny for about five seconds, and now it's just annoying.

You know what commercial I absolutely can't stand? It's a radio commercial for 411, which tells people not to use 555-1212 anymore. This announcer comes on and goes off on this tirade which goes something like, "Those TVs you type on are called 'computers'! Man has landed on the moon!" etc. I detest this commercial and can't even listen to it. It's just so fucking condescending, and it's not funny, and it goes on for far too long. If you want to inform your customers about a service, please don't treat them like idiots. I will not use 411 ever again if I can help it.

waffle+picture

What can I say? It's a picture of a waffle. I love waffles. The square, Aunt Jemimah kind, though. Not the round Eggo kind. I like my waffles slighty burnt, with powdered sugar on them, or chocolate flakes that sort of melt right into them, or some strawberries... mmm. Waffles.

the+gravy+in+the+chicken+pie+machine

I have no idea what this means, but I think I just found the title of my first book.

god+loves+a+terrier

Oh yeah. I've been going around singing this song. After watching Best in Show about seventy times in a row, of course. Here are the lyrics. "God loves a terrier / yes he does / God loves a terrier / that's because / brown sturdy bright and true / they give their hearts to you / God didn't miss a stitch / be it dog or be it bitch / when he made the Norwich merrier / with his cute little 'derrier' / yes God loves a terrier!"

sims+orgy

Aah, the Pie-Winslet House of Sluttery! I know lots of ways to cheat, but I don't know how to make my Sims have an orgy. That might help with the love triangle of Mo, Kate and Tim Pie. If they could just all get in bed together, that might head off problems down the road.

Especially now that Mickey is in love with Mo Pie...

jen+the+slut

If Jen is such a slut, where was my creamy girlsex? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. Unluckily for me, Jen's not a slut at all. Sigh.

oh+mickey+you're+so+fine

This is by far-- by far-- the most frequent search term that sends people to my site. I'm not sure what they're looking for, though. Song lyrics? An MP3 file? Anyway, I'm here to tell you that Mickey is indeed so fine. I don't know how helpful that is to you, though. To me, it is an eternal and delicious torment.

mopie+fish

Um. Okay.

"And I’m here to tell you that in person, she comes across as a young girl exactly her own age. The preternatural maturity shuts off when the camera does, and I say good for her."