I remember when I was younger, I used to have my favorite host, Erin, and I would watch her entire jewelry show-- that's three hours of home shopping. And it wasn't just Erin, I'd watch Peter, who came on after her, or Judy who came on before. (I'm not making up these names; I remember them, which frightens me deeply.) At least three hours a day, but I never bought a single thing. I just loved to watch it.

There's something both amusing and comforting about home shopping, as I was reminded last night when I stumbled across it and ended up watching for an hour.

I always admire the host's ability to be wildly enthusiastic about the things she is selling. My favorite is when they are selling something that is blatantly ugly-- that no living human being on earth could possibly think is anything less than ugly. Something so ugly that the only people ordering it are 99-year-old blind women who can't really see the screen.

"This is an incredibly elegant piece and perfect for evening wear... the elastic waistband stretches out to seventy five inches around, making it so comfortable, and the bright purple and gold sequins make it so elegant, it's the perfect gift for everyone on your list!" And so, sprightly but blind 99-year old Ethel McGillicuty orders twelve of them for family and friends, and the holiday horror begins.

Last night, they were selling a whole line of Fat Lady Fabric clothes. I don't think they were actually called "Fat Lady Fabric clothes" but they really should have been. Everything was made out of that stretchy polyester or whatever material (had I been paying closer attention, I could have told you the exact blend) that doesn't wrinkle and that stretches so much you can get a skirt to fit around a small car. It's great material, don't get me wrong, especially if you don't own an iron. But not after what they did to it.

They were selling these FLF dresses in purple ("eggplant! so chic this season...") material with this faux-tweed design on it, and they were butt ugly, and yet the host was as enthusiastic as can be. These fugly dresses are, apparently, "perfect to wear while decorating the holiday tree, or baking cookies, or entertaining holiday guests, or attending a family Hanukkah celebration!"

Oh good lord! It's a scream. No wonder I can watch this stuff for hours.

Today, I made my friends watch home shopping. You see, on Tuesdays, Joey and Laurie and I meet for our poetry workshop. Well, Laurie begged off today to work on her paper (note to self: work on paper) and so it was just Joey and I. We managed to eat lunch and workshop all our poems in an hour. Leaving us with two hours before class.

First, we went to a thrift store. I found lots of interesting art. When I get my own apartment, I am going to buy a ton of thrift store art. What I did buy was a "Sesame Street Goes to the Zoo" calendar from 1993. It was fifty cents. I'm putting up the picture of Oscar the Grouch holding a bouquet of plastic flowers out to a Galapagos turtle. Nope, not kidding.

Anyway, after this, we still had an hour and forty-five minutes before class. So we decided to play Ding Dong Ditch. (Because we are mature grownup people.) We rang Probst's doorbell and ran away. We did this twice. And then he caught us... and was nice enough to let us come in and have some drinks. So we all hung out. And drank. A lot. And turned on QVC.

Within half an hour, Joey and I were sloshed. Every time they'd show some new item (like six gourmet candy apples for $40) Joey would yell, "Order it up!!" which made me giggle. Watching QVC is entertaining anytime, but when you're hanging out with your friends and drunk, it's even better.

For instance, they were selling this chopper, and when they demonstrated it, it didn't even chop anything up! You could totally see the original chunks of celery in the "tuna salad" they were making. And yet, 600 people bought this chopper, not all of whom, probably, are blind. But the QVC hosts do such a convincing job of selling these ugly clothes, overpriced candy apples, and choppers that don't chop, they could probably sell balls of lint.

"And next up in our lint showcase, the companion piece to the pastel lint balls we had for you last hour, the primary color lint balls, in scarlet red, royal blue or sunflower yellow."
"And Patty, these balls of lint are just so soft and springy, which is what you get with the hand-bunched Indonesian lint. Watch as Caroline presses this ball of lint and it just returns... to its original shape. Goodness gracious me!"
"Why not pick up a ball for the holidays? You know they make a great gift for a niece or a nephew, in that festive, bright red that just pops out at you."
"Oh, I do need to tell you, we are almost out of the royal blue lint. So don't miss your chance to pick that up today."

See? I almost just talked myself into buying a ball of lint! Man. So it's no wonder that the chopper was going fast.

There were two guys selling the chopper, named (and I am not making this up) Bob and Bob. At one point they cut to Blonde Bob, and he wasn't smiling, and all of a sudden he popped the fakest smile you have ever seen onto his face. It was funny. We were joking about how Bob and Bob were running to the back room during commercial breaks to have anal sex.

Soon enough, we had to go to class. Man, that was a mistake. I was drunk off my ass during the first hour of class, and I felt like I wanted to just take a nap under the table. And yet I talked a lot. I have no idea what I said. Whatever!

I am now watching Buffy: The Musical for the sixth time in a row. I cannot tell you how much I loved it. Actually, I can: I cried. Like, almost every song made me cry. Musicals can often make me cry, but I don't think I've ever cried this much over anything; it's embarrassing.

I cried because I was moved ("What can't we face if we're together?") I cried because the songs were so lovely ("I'm under your spell") I cried because the singing was so great ("I wish I could say the right words to lead you through this land") I cried for all of the above reasons ("We will walk through the fire..."). I just couldn't stop crying. And, really, I'm not a crier. It was ridiculous.

The show just hit all the right notes. It was resonant and poignant and moving. And also, it was funny. And kinda bawdy, too. And Buffy and Spike, at last! (I know some people are against the whole Buffy/Spike thing because he's Not Exactly a Good Guy, but I think she's fucked up enough right now that it's completely reasonable. She's got dark side that keeps on getting darker, and obviously has a twisted attraction to him in spite of herself. It makes sense that she would toy with this dangerous affair.)

Anyway. The bunnies, the great singing demon, and I think I'm in love with Giles... it was just incredibly well-done.

"What bribery? What illegal campaign contributions? What orgiastic sex with the committee members? What Fed Ex package full of drugs and dirty magazines? What the HELL are you talking about?"