I'm trying to break in the jeans right now. The 18 "stretch" jeans fit me great, but they cost $50. The 18 regular style jeans are a leetle beety bit tight. But they cost $25 and I'm thrifty that way. I like the cut better, anyway. They just have to stretch out a tiny bit. So I can breathe.

Okay. I am a notoriously unobservant person. You may remember a story from the beginning of last semester, when one of my good friends announced she was pregnant right in the middle of class, and I hadn't a clue. I completely missed it. To this day, Laurie and Joey make fun of me for that one.

When I was growing up, there was an In N' Out Burger three blocks from my house. I would walk there all the time, with Tim, with Bruce, with Charlotte-- it was our within-walking-distance fast food joint of choice. I must have walked past it a hundred times before I noticed the giant police station right next door. "How long has that been there?" I asked. Turns out the answer was, for the entire duration of my life.

The point is, my head is constantly in the clouds. I never notice anything. And today, you all will have the ultimate proof.

So. I was looking at my birds today. (Keep in mind, I look at my birds every single day.) I noticed that Pigwidgeon's ceres was looking a little funny. (That sounds kinda dirty, but in fact, the ceres is the area on top of the beak.) It is a little brown and wrinkly. I hadn't noticed this before.

I looked it up in my parakeet book, and just as I suspected, the brown, wrinkly ceres is perfectly normal...

...for a female parakeet.

Yeah. Yeah. Pigwidgeon's a girl. It came as quite a shock, believe you me. But wait! The story gets better. Because I looked over at Phoebe, and I noticed that her ceres, which used to be the pinkish-beige of all juvenile parakeets, had at some point turned bright blue. Again, perfectly normal.

For a male parakeet.

So not only is Pigwidgeon a girl, at some point, Phoebe turned into a boy. I feel like an IDIOT. And I feel so guilty now, every time I look at them, like I scarred them or something. Like I haven't really loved them enough. Like we've all been living a lie!

I have no idea when this happened. I mean, look at the below evidence. Phoebe's ceres is clearly beige in this picture (from right when I first got her... him... her...) and now it is bright, bright blue. I wish I had an "after" picture but I don't right now. I'll try and take one.

And Pigwidgeon's certainly looks blue to me. I have no idea what the hell happened there. And I've had Pigwidgeon for at least two years. It took me a year to notice his feet were deformed. Two years to figure out he was freaking female. Probably a year from now, I'll discover he's actually a hamster called Skippy.

And I absolutely cannot separate their personalities and their names from their (erroneous) genders. I can't think of Phoebe as a boy. I call her Phoebo half the time anyway, and she's just as girly as ever. And Pigwidgeon a girl? The little blue ball of duh? It's impossible. It's irreconcilable.

In fact, let's all just pretend we never got this information, okay? I certainly intend to. But first, a song...

I think my birds think I'm dumb
it took me so long
to figure it out
(Oh birdies)
It might not seem like much
but I'm sure to them, it's quite serious

and to mix up their genders
That is just so typically me
Oh birdies, birdies

Oops!...I mixed up my birds
one boy and one girl
they have the wrong names
(Oh birdies)
Oops!...where has my brain gone
for years I've been wrong
but they've got no genitals

I think my problem is this
their beaks were both beige
in young birds distinctions don't truly exist
I tried, back in the day
But I was confused in so many ways

Having transgendered budgies
That is just so typically me

Oops!...I mixed up my birds
Pigwidgeon's a girl
he has the wrong name
(Oh birdies)
Oops!...I just didn't know
Should I call her Phoe-bo?
Is that why she chirps at me?

Oops!...I screwed up the sex of my birds
Have I warped your little minds, my birds?
Oops!...You'd never guess that I was smart
I can't find their private parts...

"I want to light up the sky like a flame. I want to make it to heaven. Baby, remember my name. Remember, remember, remember... "