I've been saying that it's worry about money, but I don't think that's exactly accurate. I have been thinking of ways I can earn more money, calculating ways to save money, and worrying about paying my bills. That's true. But I've also been worrying on a larger scale-- about how to pay off my student loans, and how I'm going to afford a house, and where, and whether I should start saving for my retirement.

I've been looking up benefits-- employee stock options and 401(k) plans. I've been imagining that some eccentric billionaire would send me a lot of money. I've considered working more hours. I've considered becoming an accountant or a phone sex operator. In short, every possible thought in the world has crossed my mind.

But tonight I went out with Megan, and I was telling her about it, and it hit me. I'm not worrying about money at all, not really. I'm worrying about something that looms much larger: The Future.

You see, I've always known that jobs in academia are difficult to come by. But I figured well, I'll worry about that later. I'll get as much as I can out of my time in grad school, I'll live the carefree life of a college student and I won't sweat the small stuff like, oh, say, my career.

But the hour grows late. This is my last full-time semester. Next semester I'll be taking one class, plus finishing my thesis. And then? That's it, I'm done. And then I need a job, a proper one. Not as a phone sex operator. As a teacher.

And so it came to pass that in the midst of this very insane week, I am doing preliminary research on community colleges in the area. I'm going to update my resume. (Yay for publication credits! Yay for teaching a class last semester!) And anyone who can help me come up with a decent CV, or who knows any resources I can turn to, I would be greatly indebted to.

(I am notoriously bad at writing application letters, CVs, proposals and statements of purpose. I get so blocked. No idea why.) (Actually, I have an idea why. Fear of failure, that's why.)

There is a slim chance that I may be able to get a teaching job before I even graduate. (Remember, these jobs are hard to come by. I do mean a slim chance.) I have information on how to apply for the adjuct teaching pool for community colleges in the area. They require a masters degree or equivalent experience. I almost have a masters degree (and an MFA is more advanced than an MA) and I also have experience. So if my CV really kicks ass and I interview well, and the stars are aligned and fortune favors me, there's a chance.

But mostly, I'm doing this for my own sanity. I need to feel that I'm moving forward in some way. Or else I may never sleep again.

"The bar was on a street with about seventeen porn theaters and strip clubs. That North Beach-- it's a classy place! All the guys were sitting there nursing beers, as if they'd just finished jacking off in 25 cent adult video booths and were feeling a little drained. Which, let's face it, was probably the case. "