I had to laugh. That is so typical of my mother. She sees me at the party and doesn't notice anything. She sees pictures from the party, and suddenly she notices. She claims it's because she barely saw me that weekend, which is kind of true, but still.

I said, "Yes, I guess I've lost a bit of weight."

"Is that from bike riding?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Well, I'm proud of you honey," she chirped. "I'm really proud of you! Keep that up!" I rolled my eyes and tried to stifle my annoyance.

I hate being praised for losing weight (especially when I've been gaining some of it back again). I don't know why, exactly. I could make up some reason that makes me sound healthy and well adjusted, but the fact is, I've got issues. Issues surrounding my mother, and her weight, and my weight, and the diets she used to put me on, and so on and so forth. Issues I haven't even begun to address.

I know I should feel pleased. Losing weight is hard, and my mother knows firsthand how hard it is. (She's lost twenty-five pounds so far on Weight Watchers, but she's gained and lost quite a bit over the years.) Part of me was happy to get that approval. And she means it completely as a compliment.

But like I said, issues. If I ever go into therapy, that will be why. To figure out my weight issues.

By the way, the whole "gaining" thing isn't as horrifying as it sounds. I still fit into my jeans, which are my barometer. As soon as they fit loosely, I will be happy. Right now they are still tight, and I sometimes unbutton the top button in the car on the way home. They should be getting looser!

I honestly think I can blame the birth control pill. My gyno told me that women "use it as an excuse to gain weight" but I don't think that's the case here. I am feeling daily chocolate cravings and I am constantly hungry. My appetite has gone way up, I've been breaking out, I've been cranky. Basically, I feel premenstrual every single day. Whee!

Usually, bike riding helps me to eat healthier. It may increase my appetite, but not for junk food. But getting back to regular riding hasn't helped either. It's the pill, I tell you! That insidious little purveyor of hormonal havoc!

I'll be done with my current pack in a week; I haven't gotten my prescription refilled; I'm not having sex with anyone at the moment. Perfect! I'm so going off the pill. Screw this! I'm not even sure why I'm on it. She just randomly put me on it when I said that I was sexually active, and I randomly acquiesced.

What brought all this up was that I got an envelope in the mail from my mom-- pictures from the party. She didn't send me any of the cute pictures, just the ones where I'm standing in the background, staring off into space, looking skinny I guess. The only cute picture is one that my dad took when he was visiting me. This is in my backyard.

You look at this picture and want to have my babies. I just know it.

The note my mom included says: Hi Honey, we are proud of you. "Looking Good"! That is also VERY my parents. The random quotes around "Looking Good" which point out that it is a SAYING. I can't even explain it, but it makes me laugh.

And now, my point. Yes, there is a point to all of this rambling. And the point is: I have a thesis idea! A thesis! Idea! For my thesis! An idea for it!

Everything sort of happened at the same time. A collaborative project about the body. Reading a book with a larger woman as the protagonist. Having the line about a "beautiful fat girl" in my latest poem. Having a poem called "Curves" in my chapbook, which everyone has told me is a brave poem, which feels very personal.

Are you seeing where I'm going with this?

I have tried to write on the topic of the body (my body) before, and it hasn't gone so well. I've given up easily, because it's a hard subject for me to write about. It's easy to slip into the platitudes. Being overweight is difficult. I love myself, and sometimes also, I hate myself. Fat people can be beautiful.

And it would be really easy for me to use the writing process as therapy to deal with these unresolved issues. But as a professional poet, I have to tell you. Poetry-as-therapy? IS NOT GOOD POETRY.

But I've been working and working on my writing for two years now; I think maybe I am ready to tackle this challenge. I am ready for a challenge. And lo, I decided to construct my thesis around the theme of the body.

It won't all be "about" the body, and certainly the poems will not all be autobiographical, but "bodies" will be the thematic thread, I hope. Carnality. Corporeality. Physicality.

When my professor read my initial thesis manuscript, he picked out a few themes; one of them was sensuality/eroticism. I'd like to maintain that as a theme. Ultimately, it will be a positive portrayal, I hope. I was considering calling it "beautiful fat girl" (ooh, daring) but I will know more as the manuscript progresses.

I have to also note that the writing I have done in this very journal-space, regarding my own body and issues surrounding it, was probably a huge part of why I'm ready to write about it now. We all have our demons to face, and this has been mine, I guess. It seems strange that I've never confronted it poetically before. Maybe I needed to warm up with prose, and that's why I'm ready to move on now.

Exciting, yes? Finally, I have a plan for my thesis, and twenty seven years' worth of emotional material to mine. Hard work, but I am excited. And, now that I've publicly declared my intention, a little apprehensive, too. I hope I can pull it off!

None.