I'm overwhelmed again.

Yeah, I know. Nothing new, and it could be worse. But I hate this stressed feeling-- as much as I work best under pressure, I know I need downtime too. When I don't get it, I get grumpy and cranky and as my sister would say in a squeaky voice, viwwy angwy.

Here was my Sunday. I woke up, drove across the world, got to a student's house late, tutored, drove straight to another student's house and got there slightly less late, tutored, drove straight to work and got there right on time, and worked a nice long closing shift. Whew?

I guess plenty of people work twelve hour days all the time, so I shouldn't be such a baby about it. I look at my calendar, though, and feel despair.

The color-coded planner thing has been going smashingly, but it doesn't negate the fact that my calendar is filled with those pretty colors. Tutoring appointments, shifts at the Bux, and school-- those are the colors. Which means no bike riding, no writing nights, and absolutely no social life, are you kidding me?

I haven't spoken to Tim in a long while; I owe Megan some attention, especially since her birthday is any day now; and Michaelpie keeps calling me and I keep not calling him back because I suck. Aside from weekly workshops, I haven't done much hanging out with Joey and Laurie-- and after this semester, I won't be able to at all anymore, so I need to do it while I can. (Even if coordinating our schedules is a nightmare.)

At least I see Jen a lot and talk to Rod all the time; that's something. It's not exactly balanced, though.

There's also Journalcon-- I have panels to plan, but every time I am faced with some spare planning moments, my brain is full of the sounds of crickets chirping. I seem unable to think. My speakers are great, the topics are interesting, and I am sure it will coalesce, but I will be happy when the weekend is here and I can just have some fun, damnit!

Writing is also going equally cricket-chirpingly. The last batch I managed to turn out had nothing to do with my thesis, and was mostly competent poetry. Competent poetry is poetry that fully realizes its own concept, but doesn't do anything profound or magical or moving or great.

It's poetry that gets patted on the head and filed away, not poetry that goes in a thesis.

(I am hoping Professor President will be able to work a miracle when we meet next week-- having read my thesis-in-progress, maybe he'll say something that will stop the onslaught of competence, and begin the onslaught of genius and worldwide fame. I detest this stall that I'm in.)

Also, I think I need to take Pigwidgeon back to the vet (his antibiotics are gone and he's not better), and get my car fixed again. I worry about my bird all the time, and I worry about my car every time I get in it. That isn't a great feeling. Especially since in addition to being worrisome, these things will cost time and money.

I am getting most frustrated with the fact that I am working so hard, and all my money is going exactly where it was before I had two jobs: credit card bills. No matter how responsible I am with money, crises keep arising. I would like to have some financial breathing room, and it's not happening.

I am trying a new approach, though. I am going to be a little less militant about paying off my credit card bills-- rather than draining my checking account to the last $50, I am going to try leaving about $100 in there. That way I can use my check card for things like gas, food, groceries, schoolbooks, and extra cash if need be.

As it is, I usually put that "little" stuff on a card if I can't pay cash, and I always end up putting more on the card than I thought I was. If I use my check-card instead, maybe I can be better about that. (Note to self: this money is for necessities and maybe a bike lock or something. Do not spend on Britney Spears paraphernalia. )

October was going to be my month of semi-rest, but it's already full. After Journalcon, both Bruce and Katie have made plans to visit me. Which is exciting-- Katie hasn't visited yet and I always have a great time with Bruce-- but that means clearing my weekends, which means stuffing my weeks full. I hope I don't get too many new students for the November SAT. The money is hard to turn down (and the work is fun) but argh.

I did do one smart thing: I am taking my Sbux vacation time for the week after Journalcon. This also happens to be the week before the SAT, which means that I have students every day of the week. But at least I won't be working both jobs; I can focus on my tutoring and get some schoolwork done without imploding cranially. And by then, I will really need to be cracking down on the thesis.

(Some vacation, eh? Someday, I need to take a week off and do nothing.) (Except that the feeling would kick in that I "wasted" my vacation by not going somewhere.) (Damn you, Catholic guilt.)

After that comes Bruce and Katie's visits, then Rod is coming back again for Jen's birthday extravaganza, which will be extra-extravagant, I'm sure-- and then come the holidays. I can feel them breathing down my neck-- somehow I need to plan a visit to Los Angeles, a possible jaunt to the east coast and our annual trip to Vegas. All while working on my thesis, mind you, which has to be done in time to graduate, whenever the hell that is. January? Maybe December, god help me...

Now, let's talk February. As of yet, I don't have any plans for February. Remind me to schedule myself a nap.