I've been thinking about seduction a lot recently, about my need to seduce-- in one way or another-- everyone in the world. (Laurie: "You only just realized this now?") Yes, I guess I did. But it's an interesting question. The desire to be desired. Don't we all have it?

While I figure this out, I'm taking a break from sex.

(I used to write about this kind of stuff all the time-- but now it feels weird because everybody's watching. I'm not sure at what point I started to think of my audience as "everyone" but at some point, I did. The only person who doesn't read this is my mother. Yet. Hi, mom.)

Aah well, I'll write about it anyway. I've never been what you'd call circumspect.

I don't really know why I am suddenly wary of sex. I know there are some deep-rooted issues in there somewhere, especially since I have been overeating recently, and it occurred to me the other day (while on a bike ride, which is wonderfully head-clearing) that there might be a connection.

And then again, maybe I'm overthinking it. The truth is, I went against my instincts recently, and that's what's been bothering me. Sex with friends is fine, but it can only go on so long before you sort of have to go one way or the other. And my instincts were telling me, "Okay, enough," and I didn't listen.

Or maybe it's just that I'm tired of the whore jokes. I try to take it all good naturedly, but I haven't slept with that many people, and even if I had, it would be nobody's business, and certainly nothing that anyone needs to judge and I know everyone knows this, but I get tired, you know? Sometimes I just want to say "uncle" and not hear, "Oh, come on, you know we're kidding." Yes, I know you're kidding. But enough.

I've been talking to Matt recently, and we've been talking about how cool it would be to see each other again. Which it would be. But I don't trust myself not to sleep with him and maybe that's the problem. I don't trust myself to set boundaries. My boundaries are ever-shifty.

I guess I shouldn't beat myself up too much for that, though. Sex with the ex is a grand tradition. Sex with the ex who is sorry he broke up with you-- that's an even grander tradition. Did I mention the part where the sex with Matt was really good?

Anyway, it helps me if I articulate things sometimes. Such as, I'm going to take a break from sex. At least from casual sex. I am tired of jumping into bed with people. I slept with Ian right off the bat, and look where that got me: emotional hell. (I had another dream about him last night. Stop, subconscious! Quit it!)

Do I want a relationship right now? It would be a terrible idea, considering my upcoming nationwide job hunt. But life is no fun without someone to kiss (great kissing: the one thing I could never live without) and of course I have, for a while, really yearned to meet Happily Ever After Man. So yes and no.

I think the universe knows what's best for me. (This is one of those days I am choosing to anthropomorphize the universe. Work with me, here.) Relationship right now = bad idea, so the universe isn't letting me have it.. I am going to move to Wherever, and in Wherever, I will meet Happily. Because that's what the universe is planning. Right?

Who was it that said to me recently that she doesn't know any truly happy single people? I refuted this claim, because I am a happy single person. Contrary to the above, I don't feel empty or incomplete without Happily. My life has many good things in it, certainly no lack of love, and no lack of sex-- if I decide I want it. I am definitely a happy single person. But all the same, I don't envision singlehood as a permanent state.

I'm starting to worry about the future, which is such an exercise in futility, but I can't help it. What if I don't find a teaching job? What if nobody wants to hire me, or publish me? What if my writing is mediocre? What if I never fall in love again?

One thing I have been thinking about regarding my job search, and not in a negative way, is that teaching high school is not out of the question for me. Teaching has always been my vocation, but I never thought I would want to teach evil high school kids. I remember their evil from when I was in high school. But working with my students now, I am realizing that they're actually pretty good kids, very respectful, bright, and fun to interact with. They seem far less evil from the other side of the fence.

Not that I'm giving up on the dream of professorhood, because I'm not, but it's nice to have options, you know?

And I decided to re-apply for the Fulbright next year, one last time, and I am beginning my research now. I am going to continue my series of poems on the paintings of Van Gogh, maybe even the poem-paintings. I'm putting his autobiography on my wish list, and hopefully reading it will spark some more ideas. (At this time of year, I just put things on my wish list, and then buy them after Christmas.)

I need to figure out a specific project, and have a good writing sample including some of my Van Gogh poems. But how amazing would it be to study the work of Van Gogh in Amsterdam, and work on a manuscript that comes out of that experience? The Van Gogh museum is there. I would live in that place, I'm not even kidding.

To sum up, I've been very introspective lately. Thinking about the future, thinking about the present, my work, my personal relationships, and so forth.

I guess I don't really have a point. Just using my online journal as god intended-- a vessel for angsty navel gazing.