I didn't even know that was possible, seeing as how I'm a devout agnostic and quite comfortable with that, thank you. But I am not having a crisis of religious faith; it's a crisis of my faith in myself.

As it turns out, I don't really have any.

I mean, I do. I have faith that I'm a reasonably smart, likeable, and competent person. I've got talent, brains, charm, and sex appeal. And I have the whole mushroom-resemblance thing going on, which has gotta be a plus. I like who I am. I love who I am. That's not the problem.

I'm speaking very specifically, not of my self worth, but of my ability to translate that self worth into some measurable form of "success" in the real world. You know what I mean? To convince people that I am all of these things that I say I am, and give me a chance (and a job). To fulfill the expectations of people who believe that I'll make it in the professional world. To make everybody proud.

And, let's face it, to make money. I mean, I have a $700 tax bill this year. I don't have $7, so where am I going to get $700? And in April, my student loan payments will begin. If you don't think that's hanging over me like the Sword of fucking Damocles...

People keep assuring me that I'll figure out what comes next. You have a lot going for you, they say. Things will fall into place. But I look around myself (through this current crisis-shaped lens) and see a lot of small failures. I see people my age having babies and careers and IRA accounts, whereas I'm not even a grownup. I'm almost thirty, and I'm not a grownup at all.

And it's a scary world out there. A disaster of an economy, education budgets paying the price, and no jobs available anywhere it seems. Certainly no cool jobs that I can convince someone to let me do. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to end up managing a Starbucks and (although I'd make plenty of money) I don't think that's the career ladder I want to climb. Maybe it is. I don't even know.

On my birthday, I got a psychic reading. Before I was finished, the tarot-reader person said that she was going to give me a spirit animal. I was supposed to pick a card from this spirit animal deck, and whatever animal I chose would be my spirit companion. I picked the hummingbird. (Of course, I take it all with a grain of salt. But it seems apt that I would choose a bird.)

The hummingbird card said, "Embrace what makes you happy. Be joyful. Count your blessings."

I thought that was a great message, and I still do. I keep trying to remember that. Because one thing I do have going for me is a great capacity for joy. It's something that I treasure about myself. I am, at heart, an optimist.

I liked the message on the card, and then sort of filed it away for future reference. But I have to tell you, I've been seeing hummingbirds everywhere! Well, not everywhere, but I have seen signs. Three hummingbird signs.

First, I was tutoring one of my students, and on the table in front of us was a tissue box with a hummingbird pattern on it. I saw the hummingbird and smiled. Embrace what makes you happy. I didn't think much more of it. I didn't realize then that it was Hummingbird Number One.

The next day, I was at the cash register at Starbucks. This truck-driver type guy came up to order a cup of coffee. He was wearing a baseball cap. And right there in the middle of it, right over the logo, was a giant, silver, totally incongruous hummingbird pin. Hummingbird Number Two. And I smiled and said, "I like your pin!" Count your blessings.

When I got home that very afternoon, The Kid was standing outside. He said, "Monique! I have to show you something! I have to show you!" And he trotted into the backyard, and I trotted after him, and he pointed. "Look what we did today!" They had put up-- of all things-- a hummingbird feeder! Be joyful. How could I fail to interpret this as Hummingbird Number Three, a confirmed sign from the universe?

I've yet to see an actual hummingbird, but it doesn't even matter. Three signs is enough for me. I get the message, universe.

I've been going on eBay and getting charms for my bracelet. I bought this charm bracelet when I first moved here, and decided that I would add charms that represented big accomplishments in my life. I had one initially: a cable car. Because moving to San Francisco when I did was a real accomplishment, as far as I was concerned.

I owed myself two more charms: a bike charm (because I have stuck with bike riding for well over a year) and a diploma. I ordered both of those. And then I decided to order myself a hummingbird too, to remind myself that "achievement" and "success" and "ambition" are all well and good, but they are not as important as being happy. And helping to make other people happy.

I still don't have any answers. I still don't have a plan. And still I don't have any money. But I am starting to have an inkling that the universe is, in its own cosmic way, looking out for me. If I keep tossing my line out there, eventually I will hook something, and that will be my answer.

Or maybe all I have to do is learn how to read the signs. Right now, I have to do what makes me happy. Even at the risk of heartbreak and failure and whatever else might come along to derail it-- there is so much in my life that I can find to be happy about.

I guess that's my current plan. To open myself to possibility, and to think about what else the hummingbird might be trying to say. And, in the meantime, to count my blessings. In spite of everything that's terrible and sorrowful and cruel, we have to go on loving the world, and trying our best to love each other.

And that's something I try to have faith in.