I went clothes shopping a couple of days ago and realized that it won't be much longer that I have to aim straight for the "Women's" (polite code for "Fatties") section at Ross. The days when I have to paw through racks full of hideously ugly clothes in search of one or two acceptable items are numbered.

I did find a few things in the Fatties section this time around. Work pants and overalls and a cute little hoody. But I still don't understand why the fashion industry perpetrates the atrocity that is Fatty Clothes. (Please note that I am not calling large-size women "fatties" here. My issue is with the clothes. "Fatty Clothes: We Know You Have Given Up." That's what the fashion industry thinks of us.)

The catalogs are the worst. They have all these skinny models (can't even throw the plus-sized models a bone) in these clothes that obviously nobody in their right mind would wear, unless they were my mother.

Drawstring jeans. Perfect for wearing to the Sizzler All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!

If you are camping and forget your tent, this coat provides the ideal solution! Spacious enough to accommodate the whole family!

You know what every fat lady loves? Beading and sequins!

Also animal prints!

This is the blazer I am wearing on my next job interview. With shoulder pads for added bulk, and that mid-80s flair!

I could go on. It's just a parade of hideous clothing, and it's all a girl can do to find a simple black tank-top without applique sequined starfish on it, or beaded American-flag breast pockets, or some such shit.

I love Lane Bryant, punchline though it is, because it is the only store that carries cute, stylish clothes in larger sizes. But it's great to find out, for example, that Old Navy carries clothes up to size 18. (That might just be online, though; I'm not sure.) If you are in the 16/18 range and you know cute places to shop, let me know! I still have a $100 bill burning a hole in my pocket. I need a dress for graduation. I need those size 16 jeans. (Even if I can't fit in them yet.)

I was also up all night taking pictures of myself for my fellow gangsta-pirate Anna Beth (yeah, don't ask) and I had yet another epiphany. (This process is fraught with epiphany.) Here is a picture I took last night:

And here is the picture from my bio page:

The thing I was noticing is, firstly, my loss of weight is definitely showing. Camera angles can hide a lot of things, but my face is slimmer for sure.

The other thing I was thinking about is that I still really like the second picture (the one where I was heavier). At the time, I said that it captured my personality. I still think it does that. The thing is, when that picture was taken (quite a while ago, I think near the end of 2001) I didn't look at it and go, "My GOD, I am so fat. Look at my FAT FACE. I need to lose weight because I hate my FAT face." I certainly have given myself talks like that before, and I'm not trying to pretend I haven't had my moments, but I remember taking this picture and liking it, and telling you all that I liked it, and posting it on my website.

What I'm getting at is, as much as you or I might be tempted to look at these pictures as "before" and "after," there was nothing wrong with the "before" version of me. I never hated myself when I was 10% heavier. I never hated myself. And I am not going to look at this picture today and see it as "fat face" or "before" or anything like that. It's me. I was happy. I was lovely and confident and charming.

So many people loathe themselves if they weigh even ten or fifteen extra pounds. I see it all the time. I see these women at Weight Watchers who are counting points maniacally just to drop from 120 to 110. Who deny themselves the pleasure of good food, which is and should be such a pleasure. I will always love a good meal, and look forward to my favorite foods. Why shouldn't I?

Okay, if the thin people are really that miserable, and losing weight will make them happy, well, this is America and people are free to do that. But people are trying to make their bodies thinner than they are meant to be. (Have you seen Haleh on ER lately? She looks skeletal and about 20 years older.) People are trying to diet their self-loathing away, and it's not working.

I am not trying to say that I am any better than anybody else, or that I don't beat myself up, or that nobody should ever try to lose weight. But I am thrilled to be a self-confident curvy girl, and I want to help other people have the same experience. I don't want anybody to feel betrayed because I am losing weight, or because I am happier and healthier at a lower weight.

(Which also raises the question of how thin I want to be. I find too-skinny women unappealing and curvy women attractive. This is true. But am I also afraid of being not-fat? Because I've always been fat and have no idea how not to be fat? How do I shed the mentality along with the pounds? Is there really anything so bad about my mentality? These are the things I lie awake and ponder, but have found no answers for.)

I have a policy when I am working at Starbucks. If a woman comes in and she is overweight (and maybe she is ordering her drink with a guilty look on her face, or maybe she is unapologetic about craving her mocha with extra whipped cream) I make it a policy never to hold back my compliments. You know, when you notice something about a stranger, like a great piece of jewelry or a sweater that's just the right shade of green, but you don't want to come off all queer by saying so? If I have that thought about a larger woman, I will always pay the compliment.

Maybe it's a feeling of solidarity that causes this impulse. Maybe I want them to feel good about treating themselves to a Frappuccino instead of hating themselves for it. Maybe it's just that unspoken judgement about a big woman eating or drinking that I'm trying to counteract.

If you're not a fat girl yourself, maybe you don't understand this, but we never want to be seen eating or drinking. Unless we are munching on carrot sticks, but even then, we are afraid to look like we're trying too hard or are pathetic. We think everyone is watching us eat the cookie and thinking, "Well, clearly, that's how she got so fat." Or we are ordering a sandwich and they are thinking, "I know she's going to want extra mayo. Just look at her!" Or we order a salad and they think, "I bet what that girl really wants is a bacon cheeseburger!"

I don't know if it's all in our heads, but I feel that it isn't. I feel that judgment is out there. It's this vague feeling of uncomfort that makes us want to justify ourselves to complete strangers. Whether we're ordering nonfat milk ("Clearly, that's not working, she should just give it up already.") or a piece of cake ("That weak-willed cow!") we want to turn around and explain ourselves. I do it too! Less than I used to, but there are moments where I want to say, "You know, I am in control of this. It's okay if I have this danish today. I know what I'm doing."

The behavior of the Starbucks crowd is very telling. People say, "I'm going to be good today and not have a snack," or "I guess I'll be bad and have this muffin." Even the skinny women. They are forever assigning moral value to their food choices. Good Food. Evil Food.

And people won't order pastries unless their friend wants one too. "Are you gonna get anything?" And you can tell they both want a brownie or something, but neither of them wants to admit it. "Should we share something?" Girlfriend, please. It's not a big gooey dessert at a restaurant. It's a four-inch brownie. Don't you want your own?

And girlfriend/boyfriend pairs are the worst! Especially teenagers. The boy will always order whatever the hell he wants, usually an extra-large something sugary, and the girl's drink will always be small, no whipped cream, nonfat milk. It's infuriating! I want to shake these girls and tell them not to look so guilty all the time. Order a Caramel Frappuccino and enjoy it, or else what's the point?

I had one couple come in the other day where the guy ordered a small nonfat hot chocolate, and then the girl ordered a large hot chocolate, extra whipped cream. I was almost struck dumb, because that never happens. The girls always wait for the boys to order, and then order less than they do. Did she really just order a large when he is getting a small? I wanted to stand up and applaud. Why can't all girls be like her?

(Yes, I realize that I am passing the moral judgments that I just accused other people of passing on me, only in reverse. Hello, pot? This is Mo. You're black!)

I wish I had some great point I was trying to make here. It's just sad that women beat up on themselves so much, is all. Whether they are fat or thin, trying to lose weight or trying to stay the same, the evidence is all around me. The Weight Watchers women flog themselves over two or three extra points a day. The Starbucks customers have a complicated system where they need approval from someone (even if it's just me) before they can order what they really want.

I buy into it too, in many small ways; don't think that I am immune. I am only now discovering my own patterns of behavior, shedding some of my concern about how others perceive me. But it's hard work, and I don't know who to blame for putting us in this situation. The fashion department at K-Mart? Renee Zellweger? The Girls Gone Wild guy?

I wish I knew. Whoever it was, they should be doomed to wear a leopard-print caftan for all eternity.

That's Elizabeth Hurley. Take that, bitch!