The merriment began on Friday, when I met with my personal shopper at Macy's in Union Square.

Me and my "personal shopper" looking suspiciously sexy.

(I also stopped by Nordstrom's, which is easily the most beautiful store I've ever been in. The gold-plated escalators are curved and spiral up in the center of the building. Each of the four floors is laid out without any dividers or barriers at all, so you can see every inch of the floor space from the escalator. Then they have a guy in a tux playing the piano on one of the floors. I felt like I should be carrying some sugar daddy's platinum card in that place. Also, I should be a size two.)

What to buy, what to buy?

I went a little shopping mad, but I got everything I needed to turn myself into Graduation Barbie. My outfit was based around my hat, which is big and obnoxious, because I am me and I like big, obnoxious hats. Later, we met up with La Wade for dinner and coffee.

Big obnoxious hat! Itty bitty head.

The plan was that my little sister was going to be in the city in the evening to pick up my parents. They were being dropped off by the Amtrak bus at 10:30 at night. Jen and Jen and I were all at Foo's house drinking wine and doing immature things when my sister called me, unable to find my parents. It was 11:00 p.m. Here is a timeline of the events that followed:

Here is my sister's new piercing, which freaked my mother out so much she called me up and hyperventilated.

11:10 p.m.: Abby comes and picks me up. We decide to go back to the spot on Powell Street where my parents are supposed to be dropped off. We don't see them.

11:15 p.m.: We go back to the hotel (about a mile away) to see if they have turned up and checked in. They have not.

11:20 p.m.: We drive back down Market Street. We wonder why they didn't call. We conclude that they didn't call because they are dimwitted. We worry anyway.

12:00 a.m.: We call my aunt, my cousin, and anyone else we can think of. Nobody has heard anything. My parents are now extremely late. We check the hotel again. We panic slightly.

12:15 a.m.: We go back to Powell. I decide to check the BART station to see if they are perhaps sitting in a corner somewhere. I walk around every inch of the BART station. I ask the station attendant if two confused people have wandered by. There is no sign of them.

12:20-1:20 a.m.: We drive from the Powell bus stop to the hotel, up and down Market street, over and over and over and over again. We worry and panic.

1:30 a.m.: We find my parents wandering down Market Street, a full three hours late. They are wheeling their suitcases behind them. They smile at us blithely.

1:31 a.m.: We yell at them! Why didn't you call! They say they left my sister a message on her home answering machine. In North Hollywood. WE ARE IN SAN FRANCISCO and therefore didn't get the message.

Not the brightest crayons in the box, but we love em.

We ended up all going out to eat after that and laughing about it. My mom: "So, are you coming to pick us up tomorrow, or do you want us to meet you there?" Me: "I am going to come over, and then put you guys on a leash."

I woke up the next morning in a cranky mood due to lack of sleep, but made myself into Graduation Barbie anyway. Let's get this crap over with, I thought.

Sigh. Glamour is so very tiresome.

My parents made us take a bunch of pictures at their hotel before we left. Here are some of them:

Poseable Graduation Barbie, with new Graduation Skipper!

Yay for figuring out my camera's self-timer! (I love my camera.)

I am far too sexy to smile.

The graduation ceremony itself was excruciating! The speaker was this professor from my school (the undergraduate Irish Studies program) and nobody had any idea what the hell he was on about.

He went on and on about Irish etymology, homelessness, the slums, Irishtown, and his entire life story. My favorite quote: "One cheek is on my grandmother's shoulder, and the other cheek is on my grandfather's." Huh? Then he showed us a lot of dictionaries.

Here is a dictionary! And here? Another dictionary! And now, yet a THIRD dictionary! Yes, that's right: three dictionaries! I hope we've all learned something today.

The student speaker passed out little pieces of paper and gave this totally hippie-sounding speech about how we were supposed to write something that we could do to "sustain ourselves for the work ahead." What could we bring into our lives to nourish us? Joey leaned over to me and said, "I'm putting down crack. And coconuts." In the meantime, Jen and Abby were amusing themselves taking photos of each other looking appalled and sarcastic.

What is with the dictionaries?

Oh my stars! A fun activity!

After that, Professor President (whose wife graduated with her B.A. at the same ceremony) handed out our degrees. The people in my graduating class included Wayne, Probst, Franka, and of course Joey and Laurie. Toker was supposed to be there, but didn't show up. None of our other teachers or schoolmates was there. It was every bit as anticlimactic as you would think.

Now you see the uncanny resemblance!

I should note that I began drinking before the ceremony, when Professor P's wife opened the first bottle of wine. I did not stop drinking for twelve hours. Oy.

After the ghetto ceremony, we had our champagne reception. It was actually quite nice, a lot of plentiful food, good cake, lots of champagne and wine. We had a chance to mingle a little bit. I got to meet Laurie's mom and Joey's parents.

And whose idea was this? I don't even remember.

It was at this point that my camera ran out of batteries. I will have to wait for my parents to send their pictures along. We ended up going out for dinner with Joey and her family at this gorgeous restaurant called the Waterfront. It is on the waterfront!

Joey's dad ordered more champagne and wine (my cheap parents did not order any, although we drank plenty) and we had a great time. I had risotto, my favorite. Any excuse to have risotto, and I'll take it. Also, I had a warm apple crisp with vanilla ice cream. Also, there was liquor. It was at this point that I became genuinely drunk, rather than just tipsy.

My sister drove back to the hotel, and then she gave me my graduation present. DIAMONDS! My first diamonds! It is a gorgeous, gorgeous three-diamond pendant on a platinum chain. It sparkles! It is so sparkly. I love it so much. I love love love it. I am very spoiled.

I tried to take a picture, but it didn't work so well.

I put on my pretty necklace and headed downstairs to the "Conversation Lounge" at the Holiday Inn, which was a masterpiece of soul-sucking tackiness. And the perfect film was showing: the Martha Stewart movie, starring Cybil Shepherd! That is the best piece of camp since Rocky Horror, I swear. "I am talking about LIMA BEANS but there are NO LIMA BEANS in front of me! Why is everyone here SO STUPID?!"

I met up with the two Jens, plus Pink and her boyfriend Pinko. We headed to the Castro for more drinking. All I remember is laughing and drinking and drinking and laughing. I love my friends. We ended up at the city's only lesbian bar, where we promptly drove the patrons away with our interpretive dance stylings. At two, I finally stopped drinking. I felt great! A nice steady buzz from three in the afternoon until three in the morning.

I was hungover for two days.

Congratulations, graduates! Your student loan bill is on its way.