Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.

-Winston Churchill

Today was another one of those long, dark tea-times of the soul. That's how the saying goes, isn't it? My soul and I sat down, had a nice long chat, and drank some tea. Then we swirled the dregs around and did some tea leaf readings. I will soon come into a great deal of money!

Okay, sorry, no. In fact I've been thinking about validation. The types of things that validate one's life, and how I don't have any of those things. I don't have a real job; I don't have a relationship; I don't have a writing career; I don't have a child. I don't have anything I can point to and say: this. I've accomplished this.

(My soul argues with that paragraph, telling me that I have things to be proud of. I have a master's degree, a poetry manuscript, friends so wonderful I probably don't deserve them, a loving heart, and a profound capacity for happiness. Shut up, soul. I don't want to hear it.)

Of course we can all guess what brought this on. My ten-year reunion is coming up, and I'll be 30 before I know it, and Pam just wrote this sensational, successful book and I would be lying if I didn't say I envy her a little. Hence the tea.

I can't stand myself sometimes. My energy is so dissipated, and I have no idea how to re-focus. I make resolutions and I break them. I get clarity and it ebbs away. I make decisions and then renege. I make the wrong choices. I make bad promises. I let myself down.

People have always had so much faith in me, in my talent, in my abilities. People have been standing behind me and cheering me on for my whole life. I let them all down by not agreeing with them. And sometimes the world lets me down, not handing me my dreams on a silver platter. Where's that rose garden I was promised?

I spent so much time today thinking and thinking, about all my jobs, and my relationships, and my direction, and what I want and deserve out of life. I was thinking about my niche, is what it boils down to. Many people around me have found their niches, and seem happy in them. If I only had a niche.

Then I remembered a feeling I had a year or so ago, when I was teaching my class. I am pretty sure I even wrote the sentence in my journal. I was born to be a teacher.

And that's it, really. That's where I need to focus my energies. That's the goal I need to work to achieve; I need to become a teacher. And I'm sitting here feeling like I've failed before I've even tried. Maybe I'm afraid to fail. Maybe I'm afraid to succeed. All I know is I haven't been trying hard enough.

I went to a couple of schools with my CV, which is what one of my Starbucks customers recommended. The people in the English department offices looked at me as if I had two heads. My Starbucks claimed it would be "easy" to find a job this way. I left feeling like I'd wasted my time on a wild goose chase.

Of course that's not the only way to get a teaching job; it can't be! And maybe if I go to a few more schools, talk to a few more people, something might happen. It can't hurt, can it? I have to keep trying.

Mostly, I need to spend entire days filling out teaching applications, even if it's tedious and annoying and repetitive and ultimately fruitless. I need to get those letters of recommendation. I need to compose brilliant cover letters even if I am insanely bad at writing cover letters. I need to write down some type of statement of teaching philosophy. I need to keep putting myself out there.

I need to figure out how this process works, and make it work for me. I will tug at people's shirtsleeves until they give me advice. (Like yours! Tell me, teachers: how does it work? How do I get a job? What do I have to do?) I can't be scared anymore! I can't be scared to try.

Because you see: that's the niche I want. That's the niche I fit into, I can feel it in my bones. I would make a great teacher, I did, I would, I could. But I look at the job listings and think, "No way, that can't possibly be me. I'm too confused and immature and insane. I'm just playing grownup. Why would anyone give me this job? I'm not qualified. I'm not qualified for any of it. Forget it."

That's me: a bizarre combination of egotist and self-saboteur. Maybe we all are, but it truly amazes me sometimes.

So my soul and I, we are making a compact. I am going to seize every opportunity that crosses my path, apply for everything even if it seems far-fetched, and eventually, hopefully, the universe will open a door for me. I just have to get past my own mental blocks and exert myself for a change. Nobody can do it but me, after all, right?

For better or worse, I'm in the driver's seat of my own life.