"My ass is definitely smaller today than it was yesterday." "I think I've lost thirty pounds this week, at least!" "Check out these tendons in my knees. My knees are getting skinny!"

Yes, I could tell I was having a good weight-loss week. I was even feeling good enough to go to the BIA's birthday party wearing my cute little "I am at peace with my arm flab, and by the way, check out my tits" shirt. It's a very sassy shirt. Here, I'll model it for you:

Excitingly enough, I lost 3.2 pounds this week, for a total loss of 38 pounds overall! Almost 40 pounds.

I am really glad I stayed for the meeting, too. It was a great meeting, with people who raised some interesting issues, and I wanted to write about a lot of stuff that was said to help me work it all through in my own head. This is probably not going to make a whole lot of coherent sense, since I am still in the "ponder" phase.

The topic of the meeting was non-numerical rewards. Like the numbers on the scale are one measure of success, but not the only measure. The leader encouraged us to think of some other ways in which we were succeeding, even if the numerical rewards were not apparent.

("After all, it's about eating healthy," she said. I felt guilty because although I did have a great weight-loss week, I did not eat healthy. One day my lunch was movie popcorn. Groan. I did have a huge salad for dinner last night, though. One of my big goals for the week is to eat all my fruit and veggie servings, and try to focus on that rather than the magical 40 pound number that is around the corner. It's hard, though!)

For example, one category was "Activities." How we might try things we had never tried before. This brought in a flood of thoughts. I thought of being able to go skydiving and horseback riding without feeling too fat for those things. Training for a century ride, or even a triathlon like Erin, if I can ever get over the fact that I loathe running. Going on my rafting trip next weekend and being able to hold my own. Being able to fit into a wetsuit with no problem. Being more comfortable on the plane seats when I fly overseas in a month.

Speaking of my trip, I am less afraid of not being able to keep up with people. Last time I was in Europe I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was with a tiny skinny fast-walking person, and I sometimes felt miserable because my own body was weighing me down and I couldn't keep up. I realized I don't have that fear so much anymore. Although I am still traveling with tiny, athletic little people.

Another thing we were talking about was "Body." Clothes fitting better and muscles emerging and stuff. I have a lot of things in that category as well!

When I was getting ready to go out yesterday, I kept putting on clothes that were too big for me. I have a big trash bag full of clothes that don't fit anymore and I am constantly adding to it. (I bemoan the fact that I have only worn some of these items a few times. Losing weight is expensive.) I really have to hit Ross for some cheap shopping before my vacation.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have been making ventures into the "normal people" sections of department stores. I am starting to be able to buy clothes in those places. Another thing I do now is buy clothes that are a little too small for me, with absolute confidence that they will soon fit me. These all feel like measures of success.

Then we started talking about "Thoughts and Feelings" that might have changed. One woman mentioned that she thinks about teaching her granddaughter how to ski in a couple of years, without the voice in her head saying, "No, you're going to be too fat for that, your joints will be bad, you'll be in a wheelchair by then." Her vision of the future is her as a healthy, active person. And that is definitely a reward!

I think of my "active" self as a work in progress. I think of my "thin" self as impossibly far away, although I don't have extremely unrealistic standards of thin. I think when I am a size 12 (wow) I will feel thin. And I'm moving towards it, and really trying to visualize it, even if part of me feels ashamed that I even want it.

I am learning to un-think of myself as a fat girl, which is not easy. I never hated myself, remember? I will not hate myself in retrospect. But it's happening. I mean, 50 pounds lost is not so far away now. It seems like such a magical goal, a huge number. Once I'm there, will I be impatient for 60 pounds? For 75?

I also have this weird fear that WW is going to suddenly stop working. Like I lost so much weight this week because I was under points a couple of days, and now my metabolism is going to slow all the way down and I screwed up! It's all over! Like it's going to get a lot harder all of a sudden and I won't be able to do it.

Which reminds me of another thing. I am now one pound away from a lower point range. I mentioned that last time I moved into a lower point range it was a difficult transition for me. The person who weighed me said, "Well, as long as this point range is working for you and you're losing, you can keep eating at that level. Don't undermine yourself."

I don't really want to think that way, but I will feel free to eat at the top end of my new point range without guilt, as long as it works for me. I've been banking a lot of points this week and it clearly has been working. There will be less in the bank, but I can still eat like I did this week and lose. I hope.

Okay, back on topic: "Thoughts and Feelings." One girl said that the attention she's getting makes her uncomfortable and vulnerable. She said there was nothing wrong with her before, and the praise she's getting now feels like a double-edged sword. People who used to not pay any attention to her are now validating her, and she doesn't like it, except that part of her does like it.

So we talked about this for a while, and it was a great discussion. On the one hand, we lose weight and think of ourselves as "more attractive" on one level, but on the other hand, we think we're wrong for believing that, and we think of the people who are now attracted to us as "shallow" but aren't we shallow too? It's a vicious cycle for sure.

I think all of us are conflicted as hell about it. We don't want to consider the approbation of shallow people as our "reward" because as this girl said, they may like us now, but what was wrong with us before? If some guy who never gave me the time of day before suddenly asks me out, does that make him an asshole? Or does it just make him a human person? And as my leader said, "Turning them down feels good too." It gives us the power.

Coincidentally, Tim and I were having a long conversation about this last night. I think there's more societal pressure on men to have girlfriends who are trophies, whereas girls have a lot less pressure to date hot guys. I mean, girls can date chubby guys and other girls will not automatically assume something negative. Guys date chubby girls and other guys think "he could do better" regardless of what other qualities they have. I see it at work all the time, with my guy friends. Constant objectifying that women just don't do.

Not to say women aren't shallow and judgmental in their own ways, but it tends to be less looks-based. It happens a lot with money-- what job a guy has and how much he makes and what car he drives. Sometimes it's that a guy isn't your typical Maxim-reading guy, and he actually cares about you and buys you flowers and stuff, and that's what makes him a trophy. Stereotypes, stereotypes, and I can't even count all the exceptions to these rules, but there's a certain amount of truth to them.

My leader said that in a way, this vulnerability ("Do people only like me now that I'm skinny? Is this person shallow?") is a good thing because again, it puts the power back in our own hands. One lady said that we have to learn to draw boundaries, because our fat can no longer be an automatic boundary between us and the rest of the world.

I think that the meeting topic cut right to the heart of the matter. The emphasis is on how we look (and the numerical rewards) than the non-numerical rewards. I think it is so valuable to shift the focus a little bit, like we did today.

And clearly, it has given me a lot to think about.