What happened to me was, my car made a funny light. I took it to the dealership (after much unnecessary hassle) where it sat for two days while they did nothing (it takes two days and $120 to add coolant to a VW) and then I found out that the problem is not under warranty (I hate you, you fucking warranty) and then they told me my "flange" was broken, and it would cost $270 to replace.

Come on now. Seriously. A flange? "Hey, Bob, that girl's on the phone again. Let's tell her the 'flange' is broken. I love that one!"

I ended up not getting it fixed because who has $270? (Plus, I've grown very attached to my old flange...) I will keep an eye on the coolant level, as advised by my service technician, and then once my Financial Strategy takes effect, I will fix the issue. And possibly sell my car, because I hate everyone at my dealership, I hate my dealer, I hate my warranty, and I hate VW. As a result, I sort of hate my car. Anyone want to buy a watermelon?

Anyway, the epiphany had very little to do with my fucking car. The epiphany is my new Financial Strategy. My Financial Strategy involves a bake sale, because it's no fun otherwise. Apart from the bake sale, it is a very mature Strategy.

First, let me explain how the Financial Strategy came to be. I realized that I am stuck in this same pattern. Some huge expense comes along (car repairs, vet bills, car insurance, what have you) and then I get frustrated because I can't afford the expense, and it is delaying my efforts to be debt-free, and woe is me, why am I always poor? I am sick to death of this pattern. Sick to flangeing death.

In order to break free of this pattern forever, I have formulated my Financial Strategy. My Financial Strategy absorbs and incorporates these expenses, thereby reducing the amount of stress I feel when they inevitably arise. It has six parts!

Mo's Financial Strategy-AKA the Flange Plan

1. Carefully assess my current financial situation. Determine how much money I need to be free of credit card debt. (Note: I will still have car loan debt and student loan debt. The Flange Plan unfortunately does not work miracles.)

2. Raise funds in an effort to reach that amount. (This is where the bake sale comes in.) Sell old car, sell the ten thousand DVDs I never watch, sell books and general crap, have a garage sale, etc. In other words, I will brainstorm ways to earn extra money, and allocate that money to the Flange Fund.

3. Top off Flange Fund and pay off all extraneous debt. I have a small mutual fund. I am going to be selling the mutual fund and then buying it back again, this time within a Roth IRA. Because IRAs are good to have. While my assets are liquid, I will have an opportunity to withdraw some money. If the Flange Fund comes up short, this is where the money will come from.

The thing is, everyone says it's better to pay off debt before you start investing. So this is really the heart of the plan-- use my investment money to pay off my debt. I'd like to have some left over to invest, though. I hope the Flange Fund does okay without this extreme tactic. Want to buy some butterscotch fudge?

4. Determine realistic budget based on careful tracking of expenses. I have started on this already! Today looks like this:

-$1.50: Bus fare to work.
-$5.04: Purchase of lunch at the grocery store.
-$141.11: Money paid to the assclowns at Volkswagen.
+$9.73: Refund on coolant I bought in a failed effort to save myself the above expense.
-$34.57: Target. Purchased work shirt, birthday cards for mom and sister, Slim Fast snack bars, diet coke, and new phone for house.
-$4.45: Sandwich and cookie for dinner.

So yeah, if you go by today, I'm totally fucked.

6. Cut expenses wherever possible. The thing with Weight Watchers is that if you write things down and hold yourself accountable, you start to see where you can save points. I am sure the same thing is true of saving money. (I can already tell that my biggest expense is going to be food. Remind me to move into a place with a kitchen.)

7. That's it.

See, simple! The goal of the Flange Plan is to stop this cycle of continuous whining. I don't want to see my credit card debt creeping in any way up. I want to be able to handle a few hundred dollars in extra expense without it driving me to drink.

We'll see how it goes.

I was almost disappointed to get my car back. I've enjoyed commuting on my bike these past few days. And since it's such a bitty commute, you might wonder why I don't do it all the time?

Well, first of all, I've been cheating. In order to get to work, I bike down the hill and then to the BART station. It's less than a mile, and only the last two blocks are even remotely uphill. Then I get on a bus and go to work, although it's only another two miles or so. This is because work is-- again-- uphill.

I have a choice, actually: I can either take a gradual mile-long hill, or a hilly road with at least three killer hills. I've biked to work before, both ways, and it hasn't been fun. I suppose I could make myself do it, but I can't make myself do it, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, so these past few days I've taken the bus to work, then biked home. The ride home is great, since it's down, down, down that nice gradual hill. The only bad part is getting up the hill to my house, in my very dark and slightly shady neighborhood. But maybe with some pepper spray and some lights on my bike, I can work around that. (Yes, I guess I am a little afraid of the dark.)

All my excuses for not commuting to work are just that-- excuses. So what if I need to spend a little cash on lights, and mace, and a lock for my bike? (And new road bike tires if I can ever afford them.) So what if my commute takes me a little longer because I have to rest seventeen times on my way up the hill? I could still do it. It would be good for me.

I was chatting with a customer at work today-- actually he's a writer and director-- and he was very encouraging. I was walking around with a plate of samples and holding them out to customers saying, "Take one, please. Save me from myself!" Turns out we are both on WW, and I ended up talking to him about my athletic aspirations.

He was saying that with hills, that's where our weight ("we have similar builds") is really working against us. I agreed--hills are still as difficult for me as ever. As I was telling him, I feel like I need to get some of the weight off before I put too much pressure on myself to get up hills, to become an athlete. I want to make sure that I don't make bicycling feel like a terrible chore. It's been fun, commuting. I want to keep it fun as long as possible.

Maybe that means buying a bus pass, for now. If I can afford one.

Oh, I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you about my other epiphany! I realized what one of my biggest psychological stumbling blocks is. I don't trust my own decisions, or my ability to make decisions.

The reason is simple: my decisions often turn out to be wrong. Decisions I consider to have been wrong include where I went to college, incurring student loan debt, where I went to grad school, buying my car-- basically every major decision I have made as an adult.

That isn't wholly fair-- I applaud some of my decisions. My decision to quit my job and move to San Francisco, my decision to buy a bicycle, and my decision to join Weight Watchers were all positive. I guess it's my financial/career/education decisions that I don't trust myself to make, because I always screw them up.

The Flange Plan may seem weird, but it's a way for me to move forward and start learning to trust myself again. Until I do, I won't be able to make any decision at all. I'll just stay here, paralyzed, and let the path of least resistance dictate the course of my life.

Even risking the wrong decision would be better than that!