For instance, who is this old, disembodied, pasty guy? He just showed up at the meeting and didn't say much. We were all like, okay old guy.

The problem was that the pie (an "Award-Winning Peaches and Cream Pie" which I tried very, very hard to make) didn't cook. It smelled fantastic, like cinnamon and sugar and love, but the center of the pie was a jiggly pool of pudding and cream cheese, and it refused to solidify.

Oh, my poor pie.

(This surprises nobody, I'm sure. You're probably also not surprised to hear that I melted some of the plastic wrap off the pie pan, and that I put the pie in the oven in two pie plates that were stuck together. "Now I finally understand what it means when someone says they don't know how to cook," said Ian.)

As soon as I got to Jenfu's house, the pie had to go straight into the oven. And we couldn't do the books without the pie, so we had to wait for the pie. And by "we" I mean me, Jenfu, Ian, La Wade, and Shannon. And by "wait for the pie" I mean, "eat caramel Ho-Ho's and drink really ridiculous amounts of wine."

After trying to bake the pie, then freeze the pie, then bake the pie some more (each of which seemed like a good idea at the time) we finally decided fuck it, we'll scoop it into bowls and put ice cream on top, and then it will be fine. Well it was fine, or at least not bad with the ice cream, but by then, several of us were already hopelessly drunk.

Here is everyone, "enjoying" the pie.

It didn't help that our first selection, Soccer Coach Barbie, was such a disappointment. Unlike Barbie's Special Sleepover, the previous book in the series, we simply didn't find a lot to say about it.

It was very weird that there was a (possibly gay) photographer named Skovoola (seriously -- Skovoola) as one of the main characters, and he was taking pictures of Barbie in a wedding dress. Now that I think about it, this might have been sending a subliminal anti-feminist message to sports-oriented girls. Like, soccer is well and good and all, but not nearly as important as landing yourself a man!

There is Jen Wade in the background, very amused.

We gave it a thumbs down. I think someone said something about the ethnic representations of the players or how Barbie was constantly touching the little girls on the team or something, but I don't quite remember. Did they win or lose? Did they get husbands at the end? Did Skovoola come out of the closet? We might have to revisit this selection at some future, more sober time.

And here is Wade again, intently studying the pages. She might have been the only person paying attention.

Then came The Little Golden Book About God, read by Jen Wade, which also deserved a more substantive discussion than we devoted to it. We noted the floral motif, the half-naked children, and the fact that the purportedly "godly" imagery represented some sort of concealed evil, since all the kids in the book had dead eyes with no whites, and looked as if they'd been possessed. (I have no pictures. I hope someone else does.)

There was one child serving tea who looked like either a zombie or a corpse, depending on who you asked. It was so nightmarish that more wine was necessary to cope with it. We didn't even touch on the fertility and pagan aspects of the whole thing. Or if we did, I can't remember.

Hmm. Which of these people has had more wine?

I do remember learning some things about being a DJ from a crazy DVD that Jen Wade had. I remember drunk-dialing Beth, Jen's friend Rod, Little Pinky Time, and a complete stranger in North Carolina. And later going to a bar and playing pool. And getting in trouble with the neighbors for singing very loud karaoke.

And I remember we were all very cute.

So officially, both the book portion and the pie portion of the Books & Pie club meeting were disasters. But on an unofficial basis, it sure does look like a good time, doesn't it?

Mo + Pie = Mopie!