49 (and Linking Verbs)
First of all, in spite of my adoration of Erin, I will not be boycotting my scale this holiday season! I know myself, and I need the accountability of that weekly weigh-in. Maybe someday I will be confident enough to turn my back on the scale, but not now! So you go, Erin. I'm now going to obsess over numbers for a few paragraphs. You may want to avert your eyes.

I went to my weigh-in this week expecting, if anything, a gain. Some weeks all I can tell is that my body is changing, and it's hard to figure out exactly how. This week I thought it was re-fatting. But I lost 3.6 pounds! I guarantee you part of that was the fake 1.8 pound gain of last week, which as I said then was most likely water weight. But even taking that into account, I still lost a good amount this week, and now I am at 49 pounds lost. The weigh-in lady hugged me and said, "Next week! Next week, you'll get it." She even showed me the magnet. The fifty pounds magnet.

I am so excited. I have spent a long time hovering in the 40 pound range, and in one more week, I could be sitting right here, typing that I've made it to 50. 50 pounds is a lot. That is a lot of pounds. (Yeah, so is 49. Holy moly.)

I am going to try blogging every day this week, probably in more detail than you really want, but I think it will help me. Today, for instance, I had a 4-point Zen muffin and a grande caramel macchiatto (light vanilla) which was also 4 points. I'm planning on having a turkey burger with sauteed mushrooms (11 points, maybe?) for lunch, or maybe I will save my points and go out to dinner. I usually end up spending Flex Points on Saturdays because 1) I believe in keeping my metabolism guessing by eating over points at least one day in the week, and 2) if I'm going to do that, it may as well be as far from my weigh-in as possible! and 3) I ate nothing yesterday, and I'm damn hungry.

So anyway, I'm going to try and talk about exactly what I'm eating all week. I want this stupid 50 pound magnet, people. I really want this.

Which leads me to my next edition of "What Does This All Mean, Anyway?" I had a nice long chat with Tim last night, and I expressed the totally fucked-up thought that, basically, why isn't everyone I meet falling madly in love with me? They all seemed to love me before, and I was 49 pounds bigger then. But these days, I don't have much mojo.

Tim just laughed at me. "Welcome to the world the rest of us live in," he said. "It's nice to have you here."

I am not losing weight to snag a man. I mean, I really hope I'm not. I'm a single girl, of course I'd like to have a boyfriend. Even if my friend K. makes fun of me for it because of course I shouldn't need a man to be fulfilled. But life without kissing? That would be so bleak and wrong. I need kisses. And balloons. And my own entourage. And glitter powder that smells like marshmallows. And a pony.

Where was I going with this? Oh right, why am I doing this. Right now, my big goal is to get out of the clothing limbo I am in, where nothing fits right. On Thanksgiving, I tried on one of the sweaters Janis gave me (see photo essay) which is a very cute sweater from Anthropologie, in a size L, that fits me! I was so excited. Something that fits! I wonder if I can wear that sweater every day.

(By the way, why is it the bathroom mirror at work always makes me look fat? I feel fat every single time I look in that mirror. I hate everything I wear into that bathroom. I hate that bathroom.)

I think I just ran out of things to say. Notice I drew no conclusions! Reached no understanding of my purpose. I want to fit into cute clothes, I want to be healthy, I want to get rid of the parts of my body (ARM FLAB) that I don't approve of. And I want someone who will think I am sexy give or take these 49 pounds. It seems, suddenly, so impossible.

(P.S. Please see the comments for the cookie post if you want to know why you should never ever say, "I feel badly." Although I probably could have explained it better. Like what's a "linking" verb? Well, it's a verb that links the subject to its predicate! Like forms of the verb "to be" act as linking verbs. "The grass is green." The verb in this case does not denote action, it just links the word grass to the word green. Which is why green is an adjective, not an adverb modifying the verb. "Taste" is another linking verb. Which is why you say, "The turkey tastes terrible" rather than "The turkey tastes terribly." In that second sentence, you are talking about the way in which the turkey is doing the tasting, which is not what you are presumably trying to say, since the turkey is dead and can't taste anything at all. "Feel" is another linking verb, and therefore takes an adjective, rather than an adverb. I can't let these misconceptions stay out there in the world. I simply cannot!)
- posted by mo @ 11:34 AM

 
What I Ate Today
In an attempt to make up for the excesses of Thanksgiving, today I have eaten: popcorn, and in a fit of desperation a few squares of white chocolate. I also had a cup of coffee with steamed milk. And some water. And a vitamin.

I hope the weigh-in tomorrow goes okay. I don't know, though.
- posted by mo @ 8:12 PM

 
Happy Thanksgiving!
I am thankful for all of you fine people. I hope you have a fabulous holiday. Is it just me, or are the holidays really feeling festive this year? I have holiday spirit up the wazzoo. Sexy!
- posted by mo @ 9:57 AM

 
A Post That Has Nothing To Do With Oints, Which Is OK Sometimes.
Actually, it's fine to end your sentences with prepositions; see what I'm talking about? It's also okay to occasionally split infinitives. And to start sentences with conjunctions in casual writing.

THAT/WHICH. I've been attempting to figure out the difference between these for a while now. At first, I learned that "which" usually takes a comma before . it, and "that" does not. So if the comma made sense, I would use which, which worked well for me. But I didn't understand the principle behind it, just that it should be either comma+which or that. With me so far?

It turns out there is logic to the madness. "That" should be used when something is integral to the grammatical meaning of the sentence, whereas "which" is used to set off non-essential information. The difference between essential and non-essential information is grammatical, not subject-based.

I will try to think of examples for this, because looking back, I don't think my explanation makes much sense. It makes sense in my head.
- posted by mo @ 9:26 PM

 
Snack Review: Santa Fe Farms Chocolate Mint Cookies
I find these cookies charming because the front of the bag advertises "Less Calories" which is, as you may know, grammatically incorrect. (When referring to things that can be counted, like calories, the correct term is "fewer," not "less." The express lane at your local grocery should say, "10 Items or Fewer," and if it doesn't, you should shake your head disapprovingly.) (I am also tempted to explain the difference between "that" and "which," which I finally fully understand, but I will refrain.)

Speaking of grocery stores, my local Albertson's (which indeed says "fewer" in the express lanes, god love 'em) has a new self checkout system. Have you guys seen this? You scan your own items and bag them, and the system knows exactly how much each thing should weigh so it can tell if you slip something extra in the bag. You then can pay by feeding the machine cash or by sliding a credit or debit card. You can even get cash back! It is nifty, and not a little bit scary. But I digress.

Where was I? Oh, the cookies. Right. So I had to go to the Albertson's last night because I was out of toilet paper, very important. And I was so hungry that I decided I needed to eat something. Well, I decided I needed to eat everything in the world. So I tried to get some low-point things to satisfy my hunger. I got watermelon (which was so incredibly good) and cucumber roll sushi (uh, grocery store sushi is not so yummy) and one-point string cheese (have not tried it yet, but thanks for the tip, person-in-the-comments-who-I-think-was-Eliza) and then I got a bag of these cookies.

Now you know cookies are my weakness, which is why I picked up this particular brand. Four cookies have ONE POINT in them. The entire bag of cookies (which I almost demolished last night) has seven points. And the double chocolate chip ones (which I've had before) are pretty good, and the mint chocolate ones are also very good! I know I am going to finish off the bag today, which is why even at ONE POINT for FOUR COOKIES I still can't get them too often. Also they are ridiculously overpriced.

But sometimes, you just need some fucking cookies. Grammatical error notwithstanding, thumbs up on these.
- posted by mo @ 9:24 AM

 
Stupid Everything!
I was almost late to work today because I could not find anything to wear. I hate all my shoes, all my pants, all my skirts, and all my shirts. Also all my sweaters. I hate them all. Nothing fits right. It's either too big or too small, or I'm bored to death with it. I hate my entire wardrobe, and I think my body is changing in some weird unfortunate way so that nothing fits me properly! Nothing! Hate it! Everything!

And my hair sucks, too!
- posted by mo @ 8:52 AM

 
Week to Date
Okay, I'll quit with the pictures of me and the references to my chapbook (SQUARE! Coming soon!) and talk about food and weight-loss again for a brief moment, shall I?

I was doing okay yesterday until we ordered Thai food. I didn't have much rice, but the peanut sauce was irresistible. No idea how many points that was. And today, someone ran out and got me a sandwich. Again, not sure of the points there. I think I am out of points again today. Argh!

This got harder all of a sudden. I got slightly less willing to make an effort. But I am still writing things down. I am still resisting about ten thousand temptations per day. I am still trying.
- posted by mo @ 4:48 PM

 
Finally Home
And here is a picture that someone took of me:



And also, my father just sent me pornographic Thanksgiving spam.
- posted by mo @ 10:44 PM

 
Totally Extraneous Announcement
I have joy again! Today at work was long (in fact, it is still continuing; we just ordered in Thai food, and I may be here for the rest of my life) but productive. In the middle of a lot of massive proofing projects, I created a chapbook. Yes I did! A chapbook. It contains the 12 poems I wrote this year that I don't hate. It is called SQUARE.

It makes me full of joy! Among other things, this volume contains: a man breastfeeding, Herman Melville, a pagoda, Captain Crunch, a poem set in a grocery store, and a guy named Fenton.

Details forthcoming. Just rest assured that if you so desire, you can get a shiny copy of SQUARE for your very own. And that it will bring me much joy if you do!

- posted by mo @ 6:38 PM

 
Box Lunch Review: Lean Cuisine "Cafe Classics" Grilled Chicken Caesar
The box for this advertises "Flavorful Bowl Cuisine" and I tell ya, "Flavorful Bowl" is one of my new favorite phrases. This Flavorful Bowl features (and I am again reading from the box) "Grilled Chicken Tenderloins with Broccoli and Garlic Flavored Radiatore Pasta in a Parmesan-Caesar Sauce."

Wonder of all wonders, it is actually good. The broccoli is fresh and bright green, the fun-shaped pasta has a fun shape, the flavor is strong with the cheese/garlic thing happening, and the chicken tenderloins are juicy and good. It is still a box lunch so, you know, don't get your hopes up too high. But it's definitely good, and it is only 4 points. This is the kind of bowl cuisine I can really get behind.
- posted by mo @ 2:09 PM

 
Three Unrelated Things
1. One stick of string cheese is 2 points! This was a very exciting discovery for me. It takes a while to eat one stick of string cheese, so it's a long-lasting 2 points. And it satisfies a cheese craving for almost no points! Anyone else have any great 1- or 2-point snack ideas, chime in in the comments, willya?

2. My birthday is 17 weeks away, on a weigh-in day, in fact. I think it might be fun to set a vague sort of goal. I'm not going to be overly ambitious here, especially what with the holidays-- let's say a half a pound per week? I'm going to round up to the next nice-looking number and say that my weight goal is 55 pounds lost by my birthday, which would make my weight 208 pounds. Just throwing that out there.

3. I feel as though all joy has been sucked out of the world, a world that is is gray and meaningless. I don't know how this is going to affect my weight loss efforts, but it probably will somehow.
- posted by mo @ 10:18 PM

 
Out of My Mind
I stepped on the scale feeling so bloated, I cannot even tell you. Not because of food, but because of water retention, the same hormonal nightmare that caused me to walk into Foo's apartment yelling, "FOOD! Where's the FOOD!? Are those FRENCH FRIES!!!?"

She looked at me with apprehension and possibly some fear. "No, those are leftover apples." "OKAY!" I said, shoving them in my mouth. "Wow, these AREN'T BAD! Are there MORE??!?!!"

I'm sure I was a sight to behold. Yesterday was really bad. I have a really sweet friend at work who likes to go out for Starbucks and sandwich runs and always brings me things if I ask for them. Yesterday I was hungry all day and kept having him get me things. I could not satisfy my ravenous and somewhat abnormal hunger. I had nothing that was truly bad (for instance, I had a lowfat scone rather than a caramel bar) but I had a lot of it. I was hungry, people. I had two servings of pie. FOOD. FOOD. FOOOOD.

Anyway, my boobies hurt too, and I'm very stressed out and emotional. I have excellent reasons for being stressed out, and for all the crying and crying that's going on around here today, but all the same I feel like the response might be a teensy bit out of proportion. Welcome to the world of womanhood.

So the upshot is, I gained 1.6 pounds or so this week. I feel pretty confident that it was water retention because I actually feel like I am a balloon filled with water. I do not feel pretty. I feel fat and sniffly and tired. And I have a date tonight, people. I have exactly two hours to dial down the crazy and dial up the charming. Oh, lordy.

- posted by mo @ 4:00 PM

 
Break Week Continues
But I've been writing everything down. Today I was 4 points over, yesterday I was 3 points under, and I think the rest of the week I've been a little over or Unable to Determine.

Tomorrow I will try to save my points for books, pie, and wine (I wonder how many points the books have?) but if I can't do it, eeh. I am giving myself a week off from the hysteria. I will try. I won't try ridiculously hard.

This could result in a gift from the weight loss gods where I actually lose weight, or it could result in a serious kick in the ass when I gain five pounds. Am I going to regret all my Zen once I actually step on the scale? Maybe. Is it good for me to let go of the obsession for one week? Probably.

Check back on Saturday for the damage. I hereby absolve myself in advance.
- posted by mo @ 10:19 PM

 
Back When I Was a Vampire...
I've been looking through old pictures trying to decide what to use as my new sidebar pictures. It's actually freaking me out how different I look now from what I looked like even a year ago, not to mention back when I was with Matt. Anyway, I wish I didn't look like a vampire in the top picture, but the lighting is completely different. Maybe I should give myself a Photoshop tan!
- posted by mo @ 8:31 PM

 
Zen Week
I have been in a very Zen place this week, which is not necessarily a "good" thing because my Zenness has been along the lines of. "Points, shmoints. I am hungry. I shall eat this. I shall eat now." I am not in the mood to deny myself things. It's not pigging out exactly, it's just that I want to be able to eat when I'm hungry. What a concept.

I think I might be in maintenance mode this week, and if so, so be it. I am still getting used to being looked at on the street like I'm some pretty person. This might be all in my head, or how I'm carrying myself, or how I'm quicker to smile at people. I was confident before; I'm more confident now. Maybe it's doing something?

Anyway, I'm going to let my brain do whatever it needs to do to wrap itself around this new reality. In the meantime I will keep writing things down, and giving my body sustenance, and we'll see what happens on the other side.
- posted by mo @ 2:27 PM

 
New Hair?
My hair looks basically exactly the same. And I have decided that as I get thinner, my nose is getting bigger. How come I never noticed that I have a huge nose? I hate to point it out, but yeesh!





This is a cute picture, though. I took another one but it's all nose.
- posted by mo @ 5:40 PM

 
Fewer Crankies
So last night I got up to go to the bathroom and my bathroom light was on, which I thought was a little weird, and then I walked up and the door was wide open and there was a naked middle-aged woman sitting on my toilet, and another naked middle-aged woman brushing her teeth in my sink.

"Hi," I said. For lack of anything better. They said hi. And then I walked away quickly because I have bathroom issues as it is, so do I really need to personally observe some stranger using my toilet? Not really, no.

It wasn't a dream or anything; they are friends of my roommate and I guess since they are sleeping in the downstairs room they decided to use the downstairs bathroom. Now I am walking around in fear that every time I walk through the door, there will a naked stranger on my toilet!

That has nothing to do with Mr. Ointy, I just thought I'd share.

So anyway, I had thought (in my morning sleepytimeness) that 47 pounds wasn't a landmark and then of course I realized it is; it's the halfway mark!

I don't know what to think about that. For one thing, as much as I have accomplished, I have to accomplish that much more to get to my weight goal. It's kind of intimidating but also: if I made it this far, I can make it all the way! I am afraid of those lower point ranges, though. I feel like I'm starving myself as it is. (Maybe I will work out better ways to spend my points between now and then. More veggies! More veggies!) (More cowbell! I gotta have more cowbell!)

But I don't think I need to get exactly to my WW "goal" to be happy with my weight-- not as long as the poochy and the Arm Flab and the roll and all those other things are under control. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations, nor do I expect I will be suddenly transformed into Kate Winslet at the end of all of this.

I guess I am just pondering this milestone, thinking about where do I want to go and how do I get there?

My goal for next week is to get under 215 pounds. I know I'm not going to break 50 pounds, but a one-pound loss is a good thing to aim for and will put 50 pounds within reach. And it will be nice to be closer to 210 than 220. (I told you I love statistics.)
- posted by mo @ 3:09 PM

 
Weigh-in
Lost 2.0 this week! In spite of an unfortunate run-in with some candy bars last night (I don't know what happened there). I woke up sort of sad today; this helps a little. More later.
- posted by mo @ 10:20 AM

 
Celebrity Endorsement
"I've been told that if I lose weight I'd have more work, but I refuse to submit myself to Hollywood standards. To the rest of the world I am slim and I like the way I am." -thumbs up to Liv Tyler!
- posted by mo @ 11:24 AM

 
Friday Assessment
I'm pondering the week so far, since weigh-in is tomorrow morning. How have I done this week?

Yesterday I was 4 points under; the day before that, 13 points over; Tuesday was right on target; Monday I was 5 points over; Sunday I was 14 points under; Saturday I was 20 points over. We can see how good I am at managing my points! But overall, I'd say it was a good week and I definitely feel that I've lost weight. I guess we'll see tomorrow.

For the most part I've been able to stop eating at night, which has really saved me. I go to bed pretty early these days, which helps. I'll brush my teeth and crawl into bed at ten, maybe watch some TV or something, but for the most part, I'm done for the day. I can tell myself, "Self, you can eat again tomorrow."

This doesn't always work; some nights I get frustrated and hit the Burger King drive through or scrounge up some of the emergency chocolate stashed away in my room. But for the most part if I just stop eating, quit while I'm ahead, I am okay.

You know how you're supposed to identify your trigger foods? I need to figure out how to get away from the fact that eating a meal is a trigger for me. I feel like after I eat something-- pretty much any type of meal-- I need something sweet and dessert-like to top it off, whether that's a sweet coffee drink or a cookie or what. That's when I get the worst cravings, right after I eat. Apparently my trigger is "food." Well, crap.

So far I handle that by not eating at all after a certain time. I spend my points on breakfast and lunch and a sweet mid-afternoon snack, which is strange because I was always such a nighttime eater. I don't think this new system is any great shakes either, by the way. I know I'm not getting all my fruits and veggies in, and I need to make more of an effort to do that.

To that end, I bought some weird "all-natural" fruit snacks at the supermarket yesterday. And I had some fresh-squeezed OJ this morning. And I took one whole vitamin this week! That's gotta count for something.
- posted by mo @ 8:55 AM

 
Dream
I had a dream last night that I was looking for some low-point candy. I decided to eat a small square of maple fudge (my favorite, yum) but they didn't have the small squares, it only came in little tubs and before I knew it I had eaten the whole tub. And then when I checked the label, there were 875 calories in a serving. And two servings in the tub!

I woke up with this wretched feeling of having eaten an entire day's worth of points at once. I was like, "Wait, that... wasn't true! I didn't do it!" And I felt so relieved. This is not the first time I've had dreams about pigging out and then the resulting guilt. Most of the dream is me feeling guilty and panicked, wondering if I can hit the undo button on my mouth, or maybe give bulimia a try.

Just once I'd like to have a dream in which I eat and eat and eat and eat tremendous quantities of junk, and don't feel guilty at all! Because you know that'll never happen in real life.
- posted by mo @ 9:51 AM

 
Irrational Numbers
A couple of days ago, they sent out a company-wide e-mail about donating blood, and it said something like "you must be at least 110 pounds to donate blood (which eliminates most of the girls in this place!)" I resisted the urge to send a company-wide response. "Isn't it lucky for those in need that I am GIGANTICALLY FAT, in fact TWICE the size of everyone else here, and therefore capable of donating blood? I'll see all you other porky ladies at the blood van! Let's go raid the ice cream freezer afterwards!"

It's true that there are a lot of thin women here, and not very many who I would consider even vaguely overweight, but I would guess not many who are actually under 110 pounds. I wonder how many 125 pound women read that e-mail and felt bad about themselves? And then I wonder if maybe nobody felt bad and I am just being hypersensitive to the whole thing. I probably am. Because 110 pounds? That's practically nothing. I don't know anyone who is really that little. My friend Janis looks very skinny to me (I think she's a size 8) and she's in the 160s! I can't imagine her at 110. Is that really a realistic weight for anyone?

Oh, what's my point? I don't know; that e-mail just annoyed me I guess and I wanted to get it off my chest. I know it's irrational, but I guess it struck me for a moment as "everyone here is thin except you. You stand out."

But then again, I got a big bunch of purple tulips yesterday, which would suggest that maybe I stand out in a good way?

- posted by mo @ 11:02 AM

 
Week Update
I am still trying to figure out the world of the comments. I go back and respond to some of them and then think, well what if these people don't go back and look for my little messages! That would be tragic! And then I think maybe I don't quite yet get how comments work. I'm working on it.

My week-to-date has been okay. I think I went over points on Saturday, but then on Sunday I was way under points (all I had all day was one cup of coffee and two muffins). Yesterday I was a few points over. Today I am going to try and hit my target, but getting that exact number is really hard. Maybe I will try to be a few points under to balance out yesterday being over? I don't know.

I am thankful for the walk to and from work that automatically gets me 10 activity points per week. I know I should be doing more and better activity. I am thinking of signing up for a dance class or other exercise class on Saturdays, since I now have Saturdays off. I am feeling that I would like to try something new!
- posted by mo @ 11:53 AM

 
Right On!
"If you're going to indulge in a piece of chocolate or a glass of wine, make it a good one and make it worth it. Don't blow your points or calories on a crappy 50 cent stale candy bar from the work vending machine! You're above that! You deserve the finest." -Put Down the Donut.
- posted by mo @ 3:03 PM

 
Weighing In
My week was overall very up-and-down-- mostly a good week, but I knew I wasn't going to clock a spectacular loss.

First off, yesterday I had Dryer's ice cream and chocolate for lunch. Then I had a big dinner of Singaporean food (which, by the way, was fabulous-- I had seafood curry). But mostly it was that I took a lot of Cystex yesterday, which is a sodium-based over-the-counter medicine for UTIs. I like to avoid taking it the day before a weigh-in because I know it makes me retain water, but I was in such misery that I decided fuck it and in fact took three doses! No wonder I only lost .4.

But it doesn't matter because with that .4, I finally made it past the 45 pound mark! I've now lost 45.2 pounds.

I stayed for the meeting to get my bookmark and have people applaud for me. Those 5 pounds between 40 and 45 were very hard-won. I think it took me three months, in fact, to lose those 5 pounds.

My goal for next week is to hang onto the loss. I don't want to dip below 45 anymore because I am tired of the 40-45 pound zone. I want to reach the next set of goals: fit comfortably into my "skinny" wardrobe, get that second 10% (which is my official WW goal, which coincidentally is also the 50 pounds lost mark, 213 pounds). Also, the official "halfway point" is only 2 pounds away, at 47 pounds.

So it's taken me a while to get to the halfway point (and may take me longer) but even at the rate I'm going, I will have lost 90 pounds by next summer. That would be amazing.
- posted by mo @ 9:14 PM

 
The "Fuck It" Diet
"I never eat anything that doesn't taste heavenly. I never eat when I am not hungry. I never let myself get too hungry. I never deny myself a fucking thing because I have denied myself enough for 1000 lifetimes and there is no more denial for me in the way that I live. I deserve all the mozzarella sticks, all the fucking chocolate, all the fucking pizza, all the chicken a'la king, and I deserve to leave what I don't finish on the plate." -Margaret Cho, of course!

- posted by mo @ 9:55 AM

 
Fuck off, Renee Zellwegger
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Renee Zellwegger is getting millions of dollars from Weight Watchers to lose her Bridget Jones weight. I can't believe I forgot to mention something that PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

It's almost enough to make me quit Weight Watchers. It's disgusting. I mean Fergie at least had a weight problem. She at least started out as an overweight person and struggled with her weight, and I can respect her as a spokesperson. But Renee? Never had a weight problem! Doesn't have a weight problem! Is going to diet herself down to anorexia, just like she did last time, with the help of her personal trainer and the ZONE diet and probably completely divorced from Weight Watchers altogether. Meanwhile she'll make more comments about how terrible it is to be "fat" (if she's even outside of her target weight at all, which I doubt) and she's getting millions of dollars for it? From an organization that I give my money to every week?

No, no, no, no, no! Just... no.
- posted by mo @ 5:06 PM

 
Picking and Choosing
My body continues to change in totally weird ways. I find myself wanting to lose weight just so I can see what strange thing my body will do next.

I can't really describe it without making myself sound like a circus freak (no offense to the circus freaks out there) but since when has that ever stopped me. Well, if I lie down, I can feel my ribcage. Not just my ribs, but the ribcage, which sticks out all Jesus-on-the-cross, which is seriously the only frame of reference I have for it and probably means I'm going to hell. Yet I have this big layer of fat still, and as it gets smaller my waist gets smaller too, so my body still has these strange proportions and even after losing all this weight, the fat roll is still there, and...

You know what? I want to be able to choose where I lose the weight from. Why can't I use some kind of mind-over-matter technique and meditate, and reshape my body according to my every whim?

The arm flab would be the first to go. Then the weird ribcage fat roll. Then the poochy. Then (some of) the boobs. Then any remaining double chin (although I notice that relatively thin people sometimes have round faces with a hint of a double chin, so I am becoming at peace with any residual face fatness). I guess the thighs would be last. My legs are overall good, and I don't particularly have animosity towards my giant thighs. They are good for squeezing things in between them.

I know that nobody is likely to read about my flab and fat and poochy and then get all turned on by talk of my squeezy thighs. But hope springs eternal, and all that. Wanna be my boyfriend?
- posted by mo @ 2:49 PM

 
Box Lunch Review: Healthy Choice Chicken & Broccoli Alfredo
This box lunch was not good. The taste was not terrible: the chicken was colorless but oddly satisfying, the pasta was adequate, and even the broccoli didn't suck. What made it gross was the "alfredo sauce"; it was watery, with some curds, and just generally turned my stomach. Maybe I cooked it wrong? I give it a C.
- posted by mo @ 3:02 PM

 
Pep Talk?
Mare wrote this incredibly sweet entry about me, and I wanted to address a couple of things she said, mostly about my honesty and willingness to post my size and my weight and things.

I've struggled with my weight for basically my whole life, even before I had a say in the matter. Certainly as long as I've been keeping an online journal, I've had weight issues. I went on a lot of quiet diets and completely didn't write about them, because I was afraid of failing. I was embarassed by the whole thing, because admitting "I am trying to lose weight" is also admitting "I'm fat."

Which is ridiculous because if you're fat, people notice. They don't notice as much as you think; they don't think about it nearly as much as you do yourself, but it's not like they exist in some kind of delusional world where you are in fact thin.

The most inspiring thing that happened to me, and I've said this before, was that I saw my friend Janis doing Weight Watchers and not being ashamed of or hiding what she was doing. There was no stigma attached at all; she talked about it freely and made herself accountable to everyone. I was impressed; it didn't make her pitiable at all, she was empowering herself. Everyone admired her for it.

It made a huge difference to me. To know that I could freely say, yeah, I'm on Weight Watchers and people wouldn't judge me the way I'd feared they would. Yeah, there have been a few people making insensitive comments, people who have pissed me off and lectured me about this or that while wearing a size eight, or whatever. But it's been far outweighed ("pardon the pun") by people who have been supportive and wonderful and celebratory of my new body.

Now I'll admit my weight loss efforts to anyone! I don't care! And sure, I'll post my height and weight. Why not? (Notice I am still not brave enough to post photos of myself in my underwear. Please note that I will never, in fact, post photos of myself in my underwear. There are sights that I don't need to inflict on the world. People have hard drives. Nuh-uh.)

I guess all I want to say is that it took me a long time to get to this point, where I am willing to be open about my issues in a "take me or leave me" type of way. It took me, literally, years. You can read through four years of journal archives and see how I completely shy away from the issue, how I bring it up vaguely and then back off, how I think well yeah, maybe I should start a weight-loss page... and then never did it. I knew that once I did it, it would be a commitment. And I wasn't ready to commit. And now I am.

If I can do for anyone what Janis did for me-- show that it is possible to be a hot, hip, sexy woman who is trying to lose weight without shame or self-loathing-- I think that would be amazing. But if you're not ready for that, it doesn't mean you won't someday be. Go easy on yourself. Don't think you can never do what I'm doing or what I've done, or that I'm so much braver or with-it than anyone out there. I've been fucked up for years, and sometimes I hate myself in spite of everything, and yesterday I had a lot of cookies.

We're all in this together.
- posted by mo @ 12:40 PM

 
Cheating on My Journal
I have a whole long entry written, but I'm too tired right now to post it. I even scanned the Halloween card my mom sent me, which is hilarious. In fact, it's so hilarious that I feel compelled to upload it right now. Please hold.

Okay, so the front of the card says, "Costume update: this Halloween, I'm [crossed out with WE written over it] going as a nerd." Here is the inside.

You thought my dad was the cute one! I talked to them yesterday and my mom told me that she wrote a skit for her square dancing club, and my dad is playing Elvis. Believe me, I am doing my utmost (or as my dad said yesterday, my "outmost") to get some pictures. My parents won two first prizes and one third prize, with their Halloween costumes. These people need their own reality series.

The full quote from my dad, by the way, was about my job. "Just do your outmost, or whatever bullshit there, and maybe they'll like you better than the other girl at the magazine." Please note: I do not work for a magazine.

Okay, I totally had things to say about ointy things (The Slightly Shady Week To Date) but I got all distracted. I'm going to sleep. More tomorrow.


- posted by mo @ 10:52 PM

 
Clothespony
I was going through some of my mail last night, and found some coupons for Lane Bryant. I stopped and looked at them for a while, debating. Would I use these again? Would I shop there again?

Ultimately I decided that for now, I would hang onto the coupons. I have no idea where else to get bras; I'm still a DDD (damn you, boobs) and Victoria's Secret doesn't go that high. Plus last time I went to Lane Bryant I got a very cute necklace and a saucy hat. And their pants still fit, even if the shirts are getting too big.

But I really had this crazy moment of realization that I don't really have to shop there anymore. I fit into clothes at The Gap and Old Navy... it's like a whole world is opening up. I find myself looking at people whose outfits I like, asking where they got this or that, and not being limited to looking at clothes only on certain people. "Oh, you got that at Banana Republic? Cool." And I can go there!

Right now I am wearing a Target outfit that is, truth be told, probably a little too small for me. But it's cute, and I'm working it. (It's jeans and a 70s T-shirt with a blazer over it, with a fun multicolored scarf.)

Janis has always had the killer fashion sense, even when she was my size and larger. I don't know how that girl avoided Lane Bryant completely, but I think she did. (Hey, not that I'm knocking Lane Bryant. Thank god curvy girls can get cute clothes somewhere.) I am reaping the benefits of her clotheshorseosity, because she gave me a big bag of clothes! Sweaters from bebe and J. Crew and Anthropologie; I just got a very fashionable winter wardrobe. (One of the sweaters is the softest fluffiest thing I've ever put on. I think I will wander the streets in that sweater, waiting for cute boys to snuggle me.)

I now have piles and piles of clothes in my house, begging to be sorted through. I have a couple of things I must have purchased in a fugue "I can fit into this! Whee! Woo!" state, because they are terribly ugly and need to be returned immediately.

I already have two trash bags full of clothes; I think I am going to be ruthless about filling up more trash bags. Begone, old ugly clothes!

- posted by mo @ 1:54 PM

 
Duh
I am sure I looked very sexy on the BART train today with my bags full of groceries. I had one bag of Zen muffins, one bag of apples, and one bag of lunches-in-a-box. I am ready for this week. Woo!

There are so many yummy sounding box lunches. I had no idea. I agonized a lot over which four to buy. (I only need four for the week because I have a standing lunch appointment with the pirate and the monkey.)

In the end I got three Lean Cuisines: shrimp and angel hair pasta in a creamy seafood sauce; penne pasta with tomato basil sauce and sundried tomatoes; and chicken in peanut sauce. I also got a Healthy Choice chicken broccoli alfredo fettucini. I am a little overly enthused about the fact that I can get creamy-tasting pasta meals for 6 points!

My new concern is: are they filling or aren't they? Sometimes I feel like I am hungry immediately after eating one of these things. Other times they satisfy me. Most times I feel the need to top them off with a 4-point ice cream cone.

I also got a few apples. I am experimenting with the mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks, because I always get so hungry.

You know, this is the thing that I really hate about Weight Watchers. (Ready for the most obvious observation in the entire world?) I can never eat until I'm satisfied. You know? I can never just eat whatever I want to eat all day. I have to wait before I can eat, and stop eating before I'm full, and eat smaller portions, and stay away from X, Y and Z foods. There are days when I feel like I've been continuously hungry for months. I want to go on the hobbit diet, when I can have second breakfast and elevenses and all those things.

Why can't I eat 50 points a day and still lose weight? Bah. So unfair.
- posted by mo @ 9:56 AM

 
Weigh-in Update
Woo hoo! I lost 2.8 pounds this week!

This means I am now past my lowest previous weight and a teeny teeny .2 away from the 45 pound mark. One good week and that 45 pound bookmark will be mine at last. I am just happy to be in the 210s again. Hello, 210s! Love you guys.

Yesterday, I did have more than one piece of Halloween candy and some wine at the party. I probably used up the rest of my FlexPoints on candy and things, and I didn't feel great about it because I would have rather had cookies. But clearly, it's okay! Big loss this week. Good week. Rah rah. Go team.

I have the day off today, sort of. I have a big proofing project to work on, so I'm probably going to go hang out at Starbucks and do that, and then take myself to see a special sneak preview of Love, Actually. And have popcorn. Or maybe I'll go have a turkey burger for lunch. I've been craving a turkey burger like nobody's business.

All I know is, tomorrow I am going to hit the supermarket and shop for my lunches for the week (so many good suggestions in the comments) which I think helped me a lot this week. I've already bought my bran muffins for the week. I want to keep this party going!

- posted by mo @ 11:07 AM