Recharging
I think maybe the reason I've been so obsessive over weight (more so than ever before) is because my weight loss efforts have been so stalled. I am thinking of trying the same thing that my boss at work is doing, the two week "fat flush" plan. It's supposed to be great for the liver; has anyone else tried this?

Basically you cut out absolutely everything except certain fruits, certain vegetables, lean protein, and eggs. Then you add in some supplements and things, and your liver is magically invigorated within two weeks. You also supposedly lose 15 pounds or so.

It seems really hard, but giving myself the challenge might be the push that I need to get re-started. Right now I am supposed to be laying the groundwork, trying to cut out as much of the following as possible: white sugar/rice/flour, trans fats, and "most importantly," caffiene. (I also am supposed to increase my water intake, but hell, I already have had six glasses of water today and it's 10:15. I don't think my water intake will be a problem.)

I skipped my morning coffee today. I think I'm just going to work on the caffiene thing for now and then I will go grocery shopping this weekend, and give it a try on Monday. I'll just have to drink decaf at work on Sunday.

Speaking of which (on a completely unrelated note) rainy days like today make me nostalgic for Starbucks. It was always so pleasant being inside, making coffee, and watching the rain out the window.
- posted by mo @ 10:10 AM

 
Obsession
It hit me recently how much time I actively spend thinking about weight. Or maybe I shouldn't say "actively" because I don't even catch myself doing it, it's such an integral part of my thought processes.

I was on the way home from a night out with friends, and looking back, I realized I had spent the whole evening pondering weight.

There was a girl there who I thought was absolutely gorgeous, with a great energy about her. I suspected we were about the same size, but wasn't sure. And was she comfortable with her body? She was tugging her shirt down. She had great legs. What was her jean size? She was beautiful. Was I beautiful too?

Someone else was larger. It was hard for her to fit into the restaurant booth. We talked about trying to fit into clothes and how, no matter what size you are, you can splurge on accessories to create a look all your own. She had a great, bright scarf on. Was she comfortable with her body?

Someone else had a medium build, wearing the cutest outfit in the world, but looking very awkward inside of it. She slouched. She projected discomfort, in spite of her normal size. I didn't look like that, did I?

Someone else, curvier than me, an amazing photographer, talked about how a guy had hit on her in a bar. I remembered hearing that she'd lost a lot of weight not long before I met her. Her hair was platinum blonde and she was going to take self-portraits of herself as Marilyn. What if I dyed my hair blonde. Could I pull that off? What if she took pictures of me. My (skinny) friends' portraits were so amazing. Could I look like that too?

My friend, skinny to begin with, had lost weight. She looked great, as always. I was surprised to hear she was watching her diet. My other friend looked about the same. She was unhappy at her job. When I was unhappy at my job, I gained weight. Would she gain weight? Why hadn't she?

Please understand, all of this was unconscious. But in hindsight: I sat there all night long comparing my weight issues with their weight issues, and focusing on weight to the exclusion of everything else, and it fucking terrifies me.

What does this say about me? That clearly, I have tons of unresolved weight issues. That my "break" from thinking about points isn't a break at all. That for me, there's no such thing as a "break" from this.

I have to break this cycle somehow. I cannot expend my mental energy on obsessing about something that is ultimately so unimportant: the weights of those around me, and my weight, and am I okay with myself? Really?

I don't want you to think that I sit around judging people from on high, trying to find people to whom I am superior. It wasn't like that; it was like each one of them became a new lens through which I could view myself. But viewing myself in terms of compare-and-contrast like that, well, it gets me nowhere. It gets me thinking in circles.

There will always be someone thinner than me, more beautiful than me, more confident than me. There will always be someone bigger than me, less attractive than me, more self-conscious than me.

I just can't go through life trying to figure out which is which, anymore. I can't.
- posted by mo @ 9:21 AM

 
Safe. Sound. Sleepy.
Can't... focus... must... sleep.

I've been up since five in the morning, Dutch time. I have no idea how many hours that is, during which I have been awake. I am scared to do the math, and probably incapable of it anyway.

Goodnight!
- posted by mo @ 6:16 PM

 
From Amsterdam
We are in Amsterdam today, back to our old favorite, the Easy Internet Cafe off the Rembrandtplein, which is not filled with pot smoke! So this update may actually make sense. Or if it doesn't, I've just lost my plausible deniability.

Yesterday we did something outside of our big three activities: we went and explored the bunkers, which were built by the Germans in WWII when they occupied Holland. We took a lot of goofy pictures in which we pretended that our big sticks were guns... anyway, you'll have to see them. We are inappropriate and silly. Also perhaps going a little stir-crazy.

Here in Amsterdam we have been shopping and eating pancakes (pannekoeken) and tonight we're going back to Selila's favorite Indonesian place, which we all liked so much the last time.

In other news, I am almost over my jet lag, my father left this morning, and we are leaving on Friday. Which is good, because seriously, I am getting sick of patat and MTV Europe, and nobody wants to go back to the van Gogh museum for the ten millionth time except for me. I hope everyone out there is doing well, and a special shout-out to my peeps. I miss you, peeps.


- posted by mo @ 4:45 AM

 
Back..
This time I am going to post before I smoke anything! Maybe this will be a little more logical.

We joked today that so far all we have done in Holland are three things: 1) Eat patat (french fries), 2) Watch MTV Europe, and 3) Nap. This is true.

Two days ago we (my sister and cousins and I) went through my Oma's stuff and decided what to take as mementos. I took a beautiful teacup and a Delft blue plate, and I also took my parents' wedding photo. Today was the funeral. The cemetary was so gorgeous; there was a whole garden of multicolored urns. I've never seen anything like that in the states. The cemetary reminded me of a cleaner, quieter, more secluded Pere Lachaise. Just in the fact that it had gorgeous statuary and a peaceful atmosphere, I guess. European cemetaries are so cool.

We were driven to the crematorium in a stretch Mercedes, past castle ruins and the rich area, and these cute little ponies in fields. I got to see my older sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew, and a lot of my extended family. I am so glad I came, to support my father and to see everyone. And also to have the reality of Oma's death sink in, which is sort of hard when you're halfway across the world.

Anyway, we're probably going to go to Amsterdam later in the week. All we have to do here are the three things listed above, and we're not leaving until Friday. I hope everyone is doing well; internet time is expensive here. I always think it's so strange; you might see me posting no different from the usual, but to me, I am in a completely different world, disconnected from everything and everyone in my normal life.

I'll be happy to come home again! But I'm glad I'm here. Talk to you all soon...
- posted by mo @ 12:58 PM

 
Happy V-Day! (Sorry If This Makes No Sense)
We are staying in the small seaside town where my Oma lived-- Zandvoort. There's nobody here (it's a beach town and it's winter; everyone's in Spain). But one thing that is open is a coffee shop and so here we are, smoking weed and typing on the internet. God bless Holland.

So far there's nothing much to report. The funeral is on Monday, and I'm sure it will be hard. We're working on cleaning out Oma's house and figuring out what mememtos we want. (My cousin just walked over here with the pipe. Hee. My first stoned entry!) I'm glad there's an internet cafe-- it may be expensive, but we are bored. Today I played cards with my sister and Yahtzee with my parents, for the love of god. I think we might go to Amsterdam next week, since there are no plans.

Oh, the flight was long, and when we first got here, I slept so long that I still have no idea what day it is. They say I slept for 24 hours, which is probably not true, but then again, I did sleep a lot. I still haven't seen anyone except the immediate fam, but we are seeing my older sister, etc. tomorrow.

So far it's a little sad, a little boring, but fine. Plus it is Holland so there it goes. It still hasn't really sunk in to me that my grandmother is gone. I am glad I came, because otherwise it might never sink in. I am sure the funeral will be intense.

...smoking break...

Hee. I just looked over at my sis and cousin and they are sitting in a booth staring off into the distance. Aah! We are at a Native-American themed place. Our booth is beneath a teepee! There is a web cam on top of this computer but I don't know how to work it... I will try and figure it out.

Kisses to all! More later!


- posted by mo @ 12:38 PM

 
Hijacking the Blog Again...
Eating update: yesterday, ate way too much. Today, trying not to eat very much, but convincing myself that I can have a "Bereavement Bagel" or a "Mallomar of Mourning" if only I had mallomars. Or knew what a mallomar was.

Sigh. I don't mean to be flip, but what can you do? My grandmother died this morning after a short but difficult illness, and on Thursday, I'm flying to Holland with the rest of my family. We're feeling that weird kind of relief that comes after the waiting is over. And it's kind of exciting in a weird way to all be getting on a plane for Holland, and I am happy to be able to spend time with both my sisters, my parents, my cousin, my nieces and nephew, and the rest of the extended family.

Anyway, if I get a chance to update from there, this is where it'll be. I probably won't go see any live sex this time around, but one can always hope.
- posted by mo @ 11:05 AM

 
I Hate to Disappoint You
So, the Bikram. Did not go so well. I got through approximately three poses and then I started feeling nauseous and lightheaded. I was assured that this was "normal" and I should just "take a break" so I sat there... and sat some more... and tried to get up... and felt like I was going to pass out, so I sat down again... and sat there...

Let me put it this way. If sitting in a room for an hour and sweating disgustingly is in any way beneficial exercise, then props to me, because that is what I did.

Finally we got to the floor work, and that part went somewhat better, but if I moved too much, I still felt like I was about to pass out. It was frustrating, too; I know my body was capable of more than that! And in that room at least, I was the biggest wuss that ever wussed.

My work friend who went with me had a hard time, too, and she's done Bikram at least 100 times. She said it was easily the worst time she had ever had; she usually can do every pose, but this time she really struggled. She wasn't sure if it was the heat, the studio, the overcrowding, or just her on that particular day.

Also, I kept looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a big blob who couldn't do any of the poses because her boobs got in the way of everything. I have never had so much loathing for my breasts before; it's really unhealthy, I think.

And speaking of unhealthy, after the yoga was over, I still felt like crap, sort of woozy and weird, and as soon as I got to my car I drove straight to McDonald's and pigged out on French fries, Coke, and dessert. I guess my body needed sodium, which translated into FRENCH FRIES in my poor brain. Then I just binged.

I confess all this to you in the spirit of honesty. I woke up this morning thinking of Dotti's slogan, "One day at a time, no guilt, and move on." Dotti is pretty, well, dotty, but the slogan still sticks with me. Today is a new day.

P.S. I'm drinking green tea with toasted rice. (Yama Moto Yama Genmai-cha.) It is yummy.

- posted by mo @ 11:56 AM

 
For the Record
I have been craving protein like crazy lately. I don't know what's going on, except that my body clearly needs protein. Maybe I can use this craving to justify a soy latte and a turkey burger for dinner! (Or maybe not.)

I was planning to go grocery shopping tonight, but it looks like I'll be at work semi-late. (On my shopping list: soy-based deli meats, tomato soup, bran muffins, cereal.) I am gathering a little drawer full of food at my desk. Right now I have Fiber One, raspberry preserves, grape tomatoes, mustard, and blueberries. (I already ate the orange that was in there.)

I would like to point out that I did not get the square of chocolate cake that I so badly wanted for lunch, and yet I am still almost out of points. I think every exercise of willpower should get you bonus points. Don't you agree?

Finally, tomorrow night I am trying Bikram yoga for the first time. I'm supposed to be over-hydrating, I just remembered. Well, shit. I better get on that.
- posted by mo @ 6:45 PM

 
Monday Morning Link-Love
I liked today's Skinny Daily Post:

Stop and count up the big people in your life who you love. Would you say you would love them more if they were thinner?

Silly question, right. Absolutely.

Do you think you’d love yourself more if you were thinner?

Is that question not so silly?
- posted by mo @ 11:39 AM