Actually
I think I figured out what's new. I used to feel like I was hungry all the time, like I would just eat and eat and eat and eat if I was left to my own devices. But now when I get hungry, I look down and can see, "Oh shit, it's been an hour and a half since I ate anything" and that removes the feeling of guilt and gluttony. It's reasonable, especially when my meals are small, that I would be hungry again in that time frame.

This is a yooge (tm Donald Trump) breakthrough for me. Excellent.
- posted by mo @ 2:18 PM

 
Thursday
And now, the Thursday report.

Another good day! I thought I was going to skip exercising, but instead I did some pilates in the morning. Better than nothing! I continue to notice my body changing from the exercise, even if at this point it's all very subtle. But a series of subtle changes = big changes. I would love to have some upper body strength for a change.

On Thursday I had a cafe au lait, a muffin, a banana, a Lean Cuisine, a diet pepsi, an apple, a bowl of Special K with milk, some crappy low-carb soup, and then for dinner a Thai chicken salad and 1/3 of three totally decadent desserts: nectarine/blueberry cobbler, warm chocolate cake with ice cream, and ginger cake with caramel and pumpkin ice cream. That's equal to one giant dessert, which I counted as 9 points. That made a total for the day of 29 points. That's three points over, but if I start factoring in activity points, the fact that I was three points under earlier in the week, yadda yadda, it's really fine.

I've discovered, from writing down my eating times, that if I graze on low-point things throughout the day it's easy* for me to stay within points. I accept that I WILL need snacks in the afternoon and throughout the day. I make sure to have fruit, cereal, cookie crisps, etc. on hand. And then when I get hungry I eat something. Which... is appallingly obvious, and yet different for me. I am not yet sure how.

*If by "easy" you mean "less difficult."
- posted by mo @ 1:42 PM

 
Wednesday
My Wednesday workout was the upper body workout. I had this vague aspiration to do more, but it turned out to be only a vague aspiration. This morning I was actually up early and did pilates, if you can believe it. For ten whole glorious minutes. But I am noticing new definition in my shoulders and a slight shrinking of the Arm Flab. It's working!

Eating went well yesterday as well. I had iced coffee, Special K with milk (I've been eating the vanilla-almond kind, by the way), a large banana, a salad with vinaigrette and roasted turkey, a small roll with butter, a diet pepsi, cookie crisps, an iced coffee again, an apple, and then grapes and cheese with crackers at the book club. That's a total of 25 points, approximately.

Tonight will probably end up being on the higher points spectrum because I have dinner plans. I'll try to eat smart, but I normally have only about 6-8 points left by the end of the night. I can do popcorn math if necessary. I can count my activity points if necessary. I can use my FlexPoints if necessary. It's all good.
- posted by mo @ 10:08 AM

 
Oints
Here we are again! Another report, and I totally bounced back from the whole... pie incident. I wrote down the times I ate, too. If that ever becomes relevant, I will share the data.

I had iced coffee with soy milk, a bowl of Special K with milk, a banana, a chicken wrap, a diet Pepsi, cookie crisps, two nectarines, another bowl of Special K with milk, some leftover saag paneer (probably 1/3 of a cup, if that; I counted it as 3 points because I have no idea), and a can of C2. That was a total of 23 points, putting me three points under for the day. I also did a cardio workout that was really good (could do almost everything, including the difficult modifications and the crazy arm movements), and an upper body workout, and the ab workout. That's right, I was on fire yesterday!

I think Thursday, because I have dinner-and-a-movie plans, will be my "day off" from exercising. Which means tonight, even though I have a book club meeting, I am going to fit in at least one workout. Maybe I'll do pilates and yoga, to give my upper body and abs a rest. Or maybe I'll do another upper body workout and strike terror into the heart of the Arm Flab. Anyway, we shall see!

But now I'm hungry and I haven't had my Special K yet. Breakfast time!
- posted by mo @ 10:22 AM

 
More Imperfection
Mmm, yesterday. I ended up eating, by my count, 43 points. The two things that killed me were a birthday party involving pie, and the fact that I was at work until 9:30 and we ordered food. I had a salmon and veggie skewer, which was healthy, but it came with cous cous, which I counted as regular rice. And I had 7 points worth of fruit pie, so between those two things, I went over points.

Yesterday I had: a cafe au lait, a muffin, apricots, sushi for lunch, a short caramel macchiato, pie, cookie crisps, a white nectarine, salmon and veggies, cous cous and artichokes with sauce.

The good news is that even though I got home very late and was exhausted, I still did a 25-minute cardio workout. I haven't mentioned this, but instead of the cool-down (which features a stretch that I can't understand and hurts my knees) I tack on 10 minutes of yoga at the end as a cool-down. It's very stretchy all over.

Once I was done, I went through and figured out my workout routine for the week. I replaced the buns and thighs workouts (one, they hurt my knees; two, I walk uphill to work and I consider that good enough for now) with more abs and upper body work. I threw in an extra cardio workout too. I cut back on the pilates. (In fact right now I am scheduled for zero pilates, but I will probably do at least one.)

I guess I did earn some activity points: 1 for the walk to work and 2 for the cardio. So that means I only went over by 13 points instead of 16. Heh. That's what FlexPoints are for, right?

Today, just for fun, I am going to keep track of not only what I eat but what time I eat it. I am not convinced, for example, that protein makes me feel less hungry, or that fiber is more filling. But maybe I will change my mind when I have more information.
- posted by mo @ 9:13 AM

 
Nuts, Also Bolts
I've had enough binges and slips lately to make me want to be careful with myself this week, starting yesterday. I ate a total of 25 points yesterday. A coffee and mango for breakfast (not at the same time), a chicken wrap for lunch, a can of C2, a granola bar, some apricots, a salad from Wendy's with some light dressing, a Skinny Cow bar, and some baked Chips Ahoy. That last thing was very dangerous, but I managed to eat only the one bag and therefore stay under points.

Exercise was slightly less successful. I tried to talk myself into doing some cardio, even going for a bike ride since it was such a lovely day, but my muscles were all achy and I did not feel up to it. (My muscles are achy for no reason I can discern.) I figured I'd do some yoga to warm up and help stretch. That was fine, but I was not any more motivated at the end of it. So I did the upper body workout and left it at that.

My goal is to do cardio four times this week and to keep track of how many points I eat. Also to stretch a lot, and hopefully work the tension out of my muscles.
- posted by mo @ 10:45 AM

 
Knees and Toes. Except not Toes.
Lest you think I've been neglecting Gym in a Box, let me give you a quick update. I've been haphazardly working out this week. On Tuesday I did cardio and yoga, and yesterday I did abs, upper body and then cardio, although I didn't quite make it all the way through. I haven't gone more than a couple of days without working out at least somewhat. I hope to get better and better about this. This morning (after working out) it was a lot easier to get out of bed. I will confess that was my motivation for working out last night.

It works better for me to do cardio first, since it is the longest workout, but yesterday I didn't feel like working out at all, so I had to sort of trick myself into it. "Just do the upper body, your arms could use it... well, that felt good. We may as well do abs... okay that was fine. You know, you're going to have to do cardio four times this week, may as well get it over with..." and then somehow I made it to the end. Or almost the end. I step-touched my way through much of the last part, keeping my heart-rate up but losing all interest in the actual exercises.

One thing I noticed on Tuesday is how little range of motion I have in my knees. I have been completely avoiding the lower-body workout because my knees can't take it, and I have to modify all squat-related exercises quite a bit. I think it's out of proportion to my actual weight. My knees do that crackling thing a lot. It's not pain, but I think that's because I go very, very easy on my knees at all times, lest I hurt them.

I was thinking about it and realized that what with all the bike riding, the weight loss in general, and the walking I do, my knees should be getting stronger, but they aren't. This is worrisome.

I bought some glucosamine supplements this week and am starting to take them today. 500 mg three times per day. I hope to see some results with this supplement. Does anyone have any experience taking glucosamine?
- posted by mo @ 9:55 AM

 
The Internet Says Jump
I say how high? Man, that was speedy.
- posted by mo @ 11:28 AM

 
More Ideas
I've been thinking a little more about all of this... whatever... thingy. (We need a term for it. A term that means weight loss + body image + societal pressure + "what is your 'root'?" + I want a cookie + stop looking at me like that + exercise and health + my milkshake, which brings all the boys to the yard. Maybe something German?)

Anyway, I've been thinking about berücksichtigung des gewichts ("the consideration of weight"), and after reading all of your comments and e-mails--and thanks for those, by the way--I have a couple of further things to add.

I think there are many separate things going on with those of us who have this berücksichtigung. They can be divided into two main categories. The first is the desire to lose weight: for health, for vanity, for revenge, for cute skirts from Anthropologie. This is the part that gets our asses aerobicizing and our feet on the scale. The second category is the desire to be happy with our bodies. Truly happy with them. Confident and strong.

And the assumption is that these two things are irrevocably intertwined. I see it all the time. People think, "If I were thinner, then I would be happy with my body." And you know who thinks this? Everyone. Thin people and fat people. People at healthy weights. People who look great the way they are. Mildly overweight people. Even underweight people. Possibly you. Definitely me.

I don't know if I'm onto something here or not, but wouldn't it be great if we could separate out those two things? "Well, I gained a pound this week, but I'm doing better on being happy with my body." We don't actually have any way to measure that happiness. We don't have any strategies for acquiring the happiness. Because it's not measurable by a scale or a tape measure or a graph. It's an ephemeral goal.

But just because it's harder to come by doesn't mean it isn't EQUALLY IMPORTANT. The "loving your body" thing is easy to dismiss as New Age mumbo jumbo, like something we say because we have to, but it's the key that unlocks so much within us. Because it's our goal too, every bit as much as the weight loss itself is. But we put less emphasis on it, probably because it's not as visible to others. It's not something that other people will validate us for. And that makes it harder.

So how do we do it? How do we learn to love our bodies if the key is not making them skinnier?

We get very little help from pop culture. Howard Stern was on the radio yesterday saying that a 5'10" woman is "chunky" at 140 pounds and "should weigh" 125. He proclaimed it like it was a truth, not like it was his own personal preference. I like Howard Stern, but when I hear women sitting there and taking that from him, "You're right, I guess I could stand to lose a few pounds..." I want to yell.

I don't want to be a humorless fat activist, but I think there's a way to maintain one's sense of humor and still be aware of fat-negativity in the media. Pointing these things out, trying to work towards a future where FAT BASHING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, that's one way to help. At least it might help change things. Maybe it will help the next generation not develop the idea that they "should weigh" 125 pounds if they are 5'10" for chrissake.

Is there a weblog out there that focuses on the portrayal of weight in pop culture? Both positive and negative? Because I think we need one. I think we need one so much that I will start one, if one does not exist.

Okay, so that's one thing. But on the more personal level, how do we do it? How do we learn to like our bodies? How do we work on that so that it becomes an equal goal to the goal of weight loss? How do we chart our progress? How do we measure our victories?

That's something that I need to think about a little bit more before I come up with any kind of list or answer or suggestions. But if you have any ideas in the meantime, that's what the comments are for!
- posted by mo @ 10:24 AM

 
Fat Feelings
Sometimes I feel like my success or failure at weight loss determines my success or failure in life. It is the easiest way in the world for someone to take the measure of me. I'm losing weight? I must be doing well. I look happy! I look healthy! I've gained a few pounds? I must be "letting myself go" again. I must be depressed! I must be under the influence of Satan!

There is something about this issue, the issue of weight, that is so pervasive. Days when I don't think about my weight at all? Few and far between. It affects everything. It feels like it does.

I don't know where this feeling is coming from, suddenly. Probably, like so many of my emotions, from the inner wellspring marked FAT FEELINGS. That is the biggest wellspring I have--or at least on some days it is.

It's amazing how much of my self-worth is unconsciously wrapped up in the fact that I have gotten down to this certain weight, and how much of my insecurity is wrapped up in the fact that I am still at this weight after almost a year. Little things--old journal entries, other people's successes, some bad food choices. It all makes me feel like I should have done more, should have done better. Like I am weak.

Keeping off the weight is a major accomplishment, something so many people can’t do. Sometimes, it's important for me to look at it like that. But there's all this pressure to keep going! Lose more! and I'm not doing it. And I am judged for it, even if I'm the only one doing the judging. Which I guarantee you I am not.

My mother keeps sending me Weight Watcher articles in the mail. When they came to see me, they did not compliment me, as they have every other time I've seen them, to tell me how good I look. Instead, they gave me vaguely encouraging weight-loss tips. (Aah, parents.) I got the message loud and clear. To which I want to say, "What does everything think is wrong with me? Why does there have to be something wrong with me if I weigh this much? Why can't I stop thinking about my body for one goddamn day? Why won't you not just love me as I am, but like me this way too?"

I sometimes feel as if I've opened the floodgates by losing weight and being public about that weight loss. Now there's this expectation that I have lost fifty pounds, so I can and should lose fifty more. I can't possibly be "done" yet, can I? Of course not. I'm still fat.
- posted by mo @ 3:55 PM

 
Zucchini Recipe
For those who have asked, the recipe is here. I got all my recipes from Epicurious. Please note that my zucchini looks just like the picture! Yes!
- posted by mo @ 2:06 PM

 
Nothing To Do With Weight Loss
But I WANT THIS SO MUCH. Thanks to Bookslut for the torture.
- posted by mo @ 1:02 PM

 
Chips Ahoy Baked Cookie Crisps
Chips Ahoy has done a GREAT THING, which is to take their cookies and make little baked "thin crisps" out of them, conveniently vacuum-sealed into 100-calorie packets. (That's 2 points a pack.) The problem here is that I could eat EIGHTEEN PACKS AT A TIME. They are so good. I possibly cannot restrain myself around any cookie or quasi-cookie item. But if you have some restraint but still love Chips Ahoy, go for these. Mmm.

Oh god, I just saw that they are coming out with an Oreo version of these as well. THANK YOU, Nabisco!
- posted by mo @ 11:29 AM

 
Journal Quote of the Day 2: The Quotening

Stop torturing yourself. Unless your weight is jeopardizing your health, it just isn't worth it -- it isn't worth it physically, and it isn't worth it mentally, because you waste so much mental real estate obsessing over what you eat and beating yourself up if you think you eat the wrong things. Cake exists for a reason; don't treat it like a vestigial tail. A moderately-sized slice now and then isn't going to kill you. Chew it slowly. Sip coffee with it. Don't bolt it down all greedy-crammy Meredith Baxter-Birney in Kate's Secret like you're doing something wrong, because you aren't. You're enjoying a piece of cake.

Of course you must read Sarah's entire essay because it is wise, as she is wise.

I do have to disagree, while I'm thinking about it, about C2. I am addicted to that shit. And I am opposed to the low-carb thing both personally (there is no possible world in which I, Mopie, could function without carbohydrates) and morally (my god, is all that advertising fucking tiresome and I certainly am loath to encourage it) but I do check out a lot of the low-carb products because they are sometimes lower in calories.

It's rather ironic in a way. A soda with half the carbs is still not a low-carb soda. It's got sugar in it! It doesn't even make sense! But it works for me because I don't care for the chemical taste of Diet Coke, and I loooooove regular Coke, and now I split the difference, have a C2 every other day, count the point and a half, and move on with my life. I tried regular Coke a few days ago and it is now too sweet for me, and as much as Diet Coke drinkers say they have experienced the same thing, I have always thought they were high on something.

Now that you know my all-important views on the subject of C2, go forth and read Sars. Please note that I am in total agreement with her on the subject of French toast.
- posted by mo @ 3:17 PM

 
Journal Quote of the Day

I noticed these weird advertising posters for McDonald's. They feature a slightly nauseating close-up of a salad, and they say THREE WORDS: NORTH AVENUE BEACH. When I first saw these ads it took me a minute to get their point... until I finally saw the oblique advertising strategy, which I think goes something like this: you're fat; we decree that beachwear requires you not to be fat; eat salad so as not to be so fat; because we said so.

Luckily I had my Sharpie and my poor impulse control, so since there was no one watching I stood on the seats to modify one of these posters. So if you are riding the Red Line and see the McDonald's ads that say THREE WORDS: FASCIST BEAUTY STANDARDS, yeah that was me. You're welcome. Get your own Sharpie, think of your own three words, and join in the fun!

-Mimi Smartypants

- posted by mo @ 2:10 PM

 
My Namesake

"Unlike most gorillas, Mopie makes eye contact with people and may sit near the glass at the front of his enclosure."
- posted by mo @ 12:21 PM

 
General Update
Monday: Good eating day, good exercise day.
Tuesday: Good eating day, bad exercise day.
Wednesday: Bad eating day, bad exercise day, horrible cramps.
Thursday: Good eating day, good exercise day.

Yesterday I was completely non-motivated to exercise, but I had blown off exercising for the past two days and I knew not exercising was tantamount to giving up. I can't convey to you how completely un-enthused I was, but I did cardio and upper body, and I even threw in an ab workout. The cardio went better than it ever has! I don't know why, but the lack of motivation meant that I didn't really care about how tired I was. I just did it all.

According to the scale, I have lost half a pound this week. According to my pants, this exercise is doing good things for me that go beyond a .5 change on the scale. My energy level continues to remain buoyant. Also I can feel new muscles in my abs and my Arm Flab seems marginally less flabby. All good things.

Also, if any of you are going to Journalcon and bringing swag, how much are you bringing? I ran out of supplies at 120 swag items, and am wondering if I should buy more or if 120 is enough. I don't think the list of attendees is up-to-date. (For one, I am not on it!)
- posted by mo @ 9:53 AM

 
NYT Book Review
There was an article in the New York Times Book Review this week that was very interesting. (And it mentions Wendy's book.)(Except that it doesn't--see comments.) In fact, here is the link to the article.

Now consider the high road: keeping aloof from the fray, wearing your 140 or 180 or 215 with repose, eating whenever, exercising or not in the way of the blithe beasts of the forest. Not starving; your intestines in place; your mind oblivious to their functioning. This would seem infinitely preferable -- and easier. You have changed your mind about greater matters (the Geneva Convention, toile, estrogen therapy); surely, with your life at stake, you can adjust your aesthetic hierarchy of human forms. With all we now know about cultural constructions from Rubens to Lara Flynn Boyle, our sense of human beauty can't be immutable, can it?

As a weight-loss writer myself, these are the same exact issues I struggle with. Right now my focus is on exercising, but is it to become healthier? Or is it as a means to an end? I am very much afraid that the only thing that keeps me motivated to exercise is the hope of eradicating the Arm Flab or possibly one or two offending fat rolls. But I also am winning the battle on another front-- even with the Arm Flab and the fat rolls, I still have a sense of my own human beauty.

And I would rather have my body than Lara Flynn Boyle's any day of the week.
- posted by mo @ 11:32 AM

 
GiaB: Week 1
So I finished the Upper Body Blast week of Gym in a Box. It was not exactly a seven-day week. I skipped one day entirely, sort of by accident. On Saturday, I went for a 40 minute bike ride (5.2 miles) instead of doing the video. And yesterday was my day of rest.

Mostly the workouts have been good. I've gotten to the point where I can do all 30 minutes of the cardio. Today's workout was especially good; I didn't fudge the arms hardly at all. But I'm getting ahead of myself, since today begins Week 2.

I had one day that my workout was so half-assed I might as well not have worked out at all. It was the buns & thighs/abs/pilates day. I'm not so good with the bun/thigh workout because a lot of it hurts my knees. Theoretically all this exercise could help my knees, but I think I should just take some glucosamine and see if I can't speed up the process.

I lost one pound this week, which is great, considering that I probably built some muscle. I can feel the difference in both my abs and my upper body. And overall I have more energy. So exercise: it sucks to do, but is worth it. That is my pearl of wisdom for you at the end of Week 1.

This week I am going to try the Time Saver schedule. Today was cardio and like I said, it was probably my best yet. Since this week isn't focused on the upper body, I want to make the most of the upper body work that I do have, meaning doing as much of the arms as possible in the cardio workout. I am sweating. That must be a good sign. Oh, I also did the pilates workout. It involves some push-ups that I totally can't do. I just do the best I can.
- posted by mo @ 11:23 AM

 
Low-Carb Yogurt
Have you guys seen this commercial? A woman says something like, "Low carb dieting is going great, but the only thing I really really miss is... YOGURT." And then she looks at random objects and to her they look like yogurt.

The first time I ever saw this commercial I actually snorted at the TV in a derisive manner. I didn't even know I was capable of snorting derisively. Because COME THE FUCK ON. There is no way on god's earth that anyone who is doing low carb misses, of all things, YOGURT. Not cookies, not strawberries, not bread. YOGURT.

I tried the low carb yogurt in spite of this, because it's half the points of regular yogurt. But it was chunky and I couldn't get it to un-chunk, and it tasted very fake and bleh. I don't recommend it. I'd rather spend four points on the lowfat yogurt.

But seriously, that commercial... that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. And I work in advertising!
- posted by mo @ 9:13 AM