Bless Me, For I Have Sinned
Oh hey! I can't believe it's been a week. I feel like I've been posting here like crazy. Denial runs deep.

This week I posted a teeny little gain of .4 pounds, back to 213.0. That's the good news. The bad news is that I ate all see-saw and crazy this week. For example, one night I ate all the cookies I had in the house. A box and a half of cookies. They were those baked Chips Ahoys, granted, but clearly I can't buy those anymore since I ate about 1000 calories worth of them.

What happened was that I had a Trigger Event, and although I recognized it at the time, and I recognized my immediate desire to stuff myself with cookies, it still didn't help me to avert it. The Trigger Event was not even that major, it was a very minor comment, but it tapped into my feelings of resentment and anger when I feel someone is trying to control or judge me. I have major issues there. And my reaction is to binge, to sneak junk food in secret--to react exactly the way I reacted to my parents and their comments for many years.

In order to undo the damage I did with the bingeing, this weekend I basically starved myself. On Saturday I had a burger for lunch and some oatmeal for dinner, and that was it. Yesterday I had popcorn, an ice-cream cone, a coffee, some oatmeal, and some edamame. Oh and then some of my emergency store of chocolate chips. That's 15 points on Saturday and 20 on Sunday. Not as bad as I thought, but where's the nutrition there? Ugh.

This morning for breakfast I had coffee and a bagel with lowfat cream cheese. Kind of high in points but at least with some nutritional value. I'm going to grab a salad for lunch, I think. I hope the crisis has passed and I can move forward this week. But I also really want to know how to get over my emotional issues, if awareness isn't enough?
- posted by mo @ 1:36 PM

 
Weekly Weigh-In: Sunday Edition
I had to switch meetings from Saturday to Sunday this week, but here I am, ready to report my weekly stats. I lost 1.6 pounds this week and weighed in at 212.6, for a total of 6.6 pounds lost. Delightful.

This week I did the point-counting Flex Points thing, and although successful, I think this strategy does make me a little crazy. I'm hoping to be able to Core it up this week and maybe get to a more Zen-like state about my eating.

My concern about my vacation--obviously I've been pondering this--isn't the gaining of a few pounds. The only reason I am so afraid of that happening is because I'm afraid of what it will do to me mentally. Physically, I realize that a difference of a few pounds will, over the long term, not make much of a difference. But I've been derailed by vacations before. Derailed and demoralized, and I don't want to find myself having to re-re-re-lose these same fucking 8 pounds for the rest of my life, you know?

Anyway, just a thought I wanted to share for anyone who might think I am overly obsessing over a number. It's not really the number that makes the difference. It's my response to the number. Fortunately today's number is "good," so I can hold off on the agonized introspection for now.
- posted by mo @ 4:11 PM

 
Simple Kinda Life
You know what? Come closer. I'm going to admit something to you that probably you aren't going to like.

Sometimes, it's comforting to fall in line with the dominant societal paradigm about weight loss. You know, where skinny is good and fat is bad. Where everyone around you-- size 4, size 14, or size 24-- is trying to lose weight. Where "you've lost weight" is a compliment that you are able to accept and smile about without conflict or confusion. Because it's good to lose weight. That's the goal. There's no ambivalence.

In this world, it's not about lowering cholesterol or increasing stamina or eating anti-oxidants or any of that crap. It's about fitting into those pants from Banana Republic that you've had your eye on, and about turning heads with your hot body once you're wearing them. It's about that feeling of hotness and confidence I had on Monday, and hanging onto that feeling. If that's the feeling of 211 pounds, then I want to stay below that weight. That's the weight for me. That number. That all-important number.

Believe me, I'm aware that it's a dangerous mentality to buy into, but that's where I'm at right now. I want to get to 209 pounds and in the meantime, right now, my pants are falling off and people are complimenting me and I gained a couple of pounds overnight accoriding to my scale and I ate too much for lunch because we had free pizza and at least I threw the crust away but I had soda and I need to drink more water and be very vigilant because tomorrow is weigh-in day and I want to be back down to 212 where I have been all week, not 214 where I was last week and...

...and here's where I'm at. I don't think a couple of weeks of this is going to kill me, especially with Walt Disney World looming in the not-too-distant future. I guess we'll see how I feel tomorrow after my weigh-in. Let's think skinny thoughts, everyone! Because skinny is good. It's really very simple.
- posted by mo @ 1:19 PM

 
Ponderings
I've been writing everything down this week and weighing myself every morning. I probably should stop weighing myself every morning, but this morning the scale said 211.5, which is really very close to my Lowest Weight Ever, so it was very exciting. But it does represent a loss of 3 pounds in 4 days and is therefore probably an aberration of some sort. I am mentally prepared for the scale to be back up tomorrow. Sort of.

I feel like this week and the next two weeks are a race against time, because on the 31st I am going on vacation to fabulous Walt Disney World with my friend Bruce, whose itinerary last time we went to WDW revolved around what fabulous things we would eat at every meal. ("Breakfast with Mary Poppins! Lunch in the Soap Opera Cafe! Dinner at a Polynesian all-you-can-eat buffet!") (I MUST go back to that Polynesian buffet.)

So on the one hand I am trying to give myself a weight-loss buffer so that I can "afford" to gain a pound or two on vacation. On the other hand I am already preparing for the re-entry to the world of weight loss. After a week off, it will be hard to start again, no lie. And on the third hand (one always has more than two hands in situations like this) I am coming up with strategies that will let me both enjoy myself at WDW and not go overboard.

For one thing, we'll be walking a lot, and that will help. For another thing, the Core program is great for letting me know which are the best food choices to make. And for a third thing, I'm going to try and pack some snacks that are low-point that will keep me from overdoing it too much. And finally, how often do I go to WDW? Every six years or so. I think I can enjoy some excellent meals while I am there and not stress over it too much.

I don't know if my current thinking is obsessive or sensible, really. But I know that I want to be at 209 pounds someday, hopefully before I retire, and this will help me make it happen.
- posted by mo @ 9:54 AM

 
Pretty Pretty
The weather this weekend was gorgeous, and I took advantage of it to go for a bike ride. Originally I was supposed to go with a friend, but those plans fell through so I went alone. Unfortunately, I didn't realize until I was a mile out that my tires were seriously low on air. I suppose I could have gone to the gas station and filled my tires, but by the time I had struggled back to the car on low tires, I was exhausted! And I'd only gone two miles!

It was very pretty outside, though. I did a lot of appreciating of the scenery over the course of those two, very slow, miles.

In other news, I was pretty bored this weekend (see above re: cancelled plans) so I went shopping a lot. I went to Target (twice) and got two tons of stuff, including my new favorite big obnoxious sunglasses and a sunglass case to keep them in. I also got a T-shirt with a picture of a hot dog on it that says "I heart buns!" with the exclamation point and everything. I think I was wearing it ironically--or maybe I should say aptly--paired with my low-rise pants that are now getting too big for me and falling off my butt. Heart my buns, everyone!

I also got a very pretty gauzy multi-layered shirt that I like so much I bought it in two colors. And the Best Winter Coat Ever, which is both PUFFY and FLUFFY. And silver. I am all about the Target couture.

My point here is that I am wearing one of my pretty new shirts and my plumber's crack pants and I feel pretty today. Oh, and I'm counting points this week. So far I had 19 points, 28 points, and 23.5 points. Today we are having a big snack buffet involving cookies, so I don't know how well I will do. But I'm hanging in there so far!

- posted by mo @ 11:44 AM

 
Weigh-In Report
I missed two weeks of weigh-ins, so today's weigh-in covered the past three weeks, and I weighed in at 214.2, which is 2.2 pounds down from my last weigh-in and a New Hope loss of 5.0 pounds exactly. Woo! Five more to go for my goal!

I also brought in my home scale to test it out and I weighed in at the WW meeting at 214.5 pounds (that scale weighs by half-pounds, but rounds up) and then at home on my tile floor at 215.0 pounds. So it's pretty close except for the rounding up thing. I want to invent the "round down" scale that just automatically tells you you weigh less than you do. (Okay, not really.)

I really want to have a good week. The past three weeks have been hit or miss, and thankfully I've hit more than I missed. That's all you can do really, hope for that. We already do a lot of things right, and we're going to do some things wrong, and there you go. You just hope the balance is tilted in the right direction at the end of the day. Or week.

For breakfast I had porridge with Splenda (SPLENDA HEAD SAY THANK YOU!) and pumpkin pie spice, which was a novel idea. I am now off to tutor some little hell beasts. My goal is not to burst into tears but if I do, to not deal with the pain through eating. I will deal with it the way God intended, by going shopping for books.
- posted by mo @ 9:08 AM

 
Chunging Along
After a few days of blindly stumbling along, I decided to weigh myself again this morning. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that as soon as the numbers on the scale start to scare you and you avoid them, it starts that cycle of eating poorly and then fearing the scale even more and gaining weight and it becomes very difficult to get back on the wagon.

(I know this, but it doesn't stop me from doing it sometimes. Yesterday someone was explaining the concept of calorie density and it was like, yeah, I know this. And I thought, you know, my problem isn't a lack of understanding or information. My problem is that I'm not always able to deal with my cravings and my psychology and my laziness and my slip-ups. If it was just a matter of intellect, I'd weigh almost nothing and be halfway to the Olympics.)

This morning, the scale was my friend--egg salad sandwiches notwithstanding, I weighed in at 216. With my hair wet, which as you know adds at least ten pounds to your weight. I'm going to try and keep that number in mind and eat as well as possible for the remainder of the week and then not weigh myself again, especially not before the meeting. I have to face that number on the scale this week, whatever it is.
- posted by mo @ 1:09 PM

 
Fighting Flappy
I totally skipped my meeting this weekend for a terrible reason. Because I had been weighing in at 215 or 215.5 pounds all week and then after a yooge dinner on Friday night, I woke up and the scale said 218.5. And I couldn't deal with it! It was "wrong"! I didn't want to go and have that number written on my chart. Must be water weight!

Yeah, not so much. Not only has the 3.5 pounds stuck around (FROM ONE MEAL??) I've probably added more to it because I have been eating badly and not being prepared and so on and so forth. Last night, Flappy sent me out for a Coke and an egg salad sandwich from Togo's. It was so, so, incredibly good. I was feeling vaguely sick and it was the only thing that I could think about eating. Nice and calming for the stomach. But I don't think Coke and egg salad sandwiches are good, especially not a 10-point sandwich and a 4-point bottle of Coke. I didn't even weigh myself this morning. Too scared!

I tell you, this is frustrating. I wish I could get to the bottom of why I binge eat, why I am blocked about losing weight, why I sabotage myself right when I am poised for success. But I also wish I could have another egg salad sandwich. Sigh.
- posted by mo @ 11:16 AM