These Fat Rolls Are Made For Walking
Via Nicole, I found this advice column by Carolyn Hax. Here's the question:
"I am 25 and have been with Dave, 30, for almost three years. We live together and plan to get married and have kids. One thing that repeatedly comes up, though, is my body, and my failure to go to the gym or eat right. This has been our only real disagreement. He thinks I would be perfect if I dropped 15 pounds."
Her friends are telling her that she's not overweight yet but she shouldn't "let herself go" now, and she should take him up on his offer to pay for her schooling in exchange for her losing the 15 pounds. And here's part of Hax's answer:
"Unfortunately, your shaky body image is both the exact reason you should flip Dave the bird and the exact reason you haven't been able to. You're ready to believe his criticism is fair. You're also ready to believe, enabled by friends, that his offer is about your health. It's not. It's about a guy making his love for you conditional... I have three words for you: Run, run, run. And not in the exercise sense."
I think this came up before in the infamous "false advertising" debate, but if a guy tried to dictate what he thought was my "perfect" weight and bribe me to reach it, that would be the end of that relationship. And possibly the end of that guy's ability to bear children, as I'd probably kick him right in the nuts. Or so I'd like to think.
"I am 25 and have been with Dave, 30, for almost three years. We live together and plan to get married and have kids. One thing that repeatedly comes up, though, is my body, and my failure to go to the gym or eat right. This has been our only real disagreement. He thinks I would be perfect if I dropped 15 pounds."
Her friends are telling her that she's not overweight yet but she shouldn't "let herself go" now, and she should take him up on his offer to pay for her schooling in exchange for her losing the 15 pounds. And here's part of Hax's answer:
"Unfortunately, your shaky body image is both the exact reason you should flip Dave the bird and the exact reason you haven't been able to. You're ready to believe his criticism is fair. You're also ready to believe, enabled by friends, that his offer is about your health. It's not. It's about a guy making his love for you conditional... I have three words for you: Run, run, run. And not in the exercise sense."
I think this came up before in the infamous "false advertising" debate, but if a guy tried to dictate what he thought was my "perfect" weight and bribe me to reach it, that would be the end of that relationship. And possibly the end of that guy's ability to bear children, as I'd probably kick him right in the nuts. Or so I'd like to think.
11 Comments:
And, dude, who are these friends of hers, anyway? "You're not fat yet, but don't let yourself go"??? Thanks, buddies, appreciate it.
That's what bugs me most about her story. Most of us have probably gotten caught up in the wrong relationship, but when your friends encourage you to take a bribe in the hopes that you'll never become (GASP!) fat? Ugh, please.
Hmm. I agree with the tone here - the guy sounds pretty suzzy to me, especially since he obviously misread his fiancee badly enough that she contacted an advice columnist.
However - and its a big however - I have to disagree with Lori's comment as well. I was 15 pounds overweight at one point, on my path to becoming 80 pounds overweight. I would have been much better off physically if my friends had said something cautioning to me at that point. So... read into that whatever you want.
As for the "bribe" - well, I'm pretty active, my wife is less so. I've offered to add her to my gym membership (after the expressed an interest in getting fitter). Is that an evil bribe as well?
That sounds perfectly reasonable, practical, and non-bribey to me. But I still can't agree with telling your friends they should lose weight. I know what I weigh; I don't need anyone to lecture me about it.
I was caught by the comment about her boyfriend seeming more concerned about her not going to the gym or eating right. Perhaps that is what her friends meant by "letting herself go" rather than the 15bs.
Not much different than the celeb prenumps with weight, huh? "I'll love you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you stay under 120."
I have a friend going through something completely opposite right now. She's heavy, but her new boyfriend wants her to get heavier. He wants a big woman to support and spoil. Although many of us would LOVE to be told we're too thin and should eat whatever we want, it's the concept of him changing her that irritates me.
Reminds me of a gal I went to school with, who told me, gratefully, that her husband "allowed" her to gain 5 pounds after childbirth. That horrible gain didn't seem to stop her from running the Boston Marathon, tho! I often wonder if they're still together.
Elizabeth, I find that equally creepy.
The part of Ms. Hax's response that struck me the most was where she asks, "Whatever gave this guy the idea that he was entitled to "perfect"? That he had any right to "improve" you to suit his own needs -- especially since he apparently met you as is?" This is so true.
Makes me wonder what comes after the 15lbs? "I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe, but you can only get the clothes I choose for you"?
It's sad that the fact that his efforts to control her make her blame herself for being "stubborn and prideful". What she is is pissed off and she has every right to be.
Perhaps not the most relevant, but my husband came across this the other day, and it is so disturbing I have to share:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html
It's a four page marriage contract, and it is nuts. Oddly enough, no weight requirements. Guess this guy didn't think things through.
I'm glad the advice columnist gave the good advice to run away. I read a "Can this marriage be saved?" in a Ladies Home Journal once (curse forgetting to bring a book to the doctors), and the man said in it that he didn't find his wife attractive anymore since she gained weight, and the therapist started the woman on a diet program! Asses, both of them.
I have a several questions for everyone because while his method was heavy handed, most everyone here sees this guy as being worse than I do.
I didn't think her size threatened him ending the relationship. It is something he must be somewhat ok with since he has been with her for 3 years and presumably wants to go longer (marriage, kids) and the bribe was not lose weight or I will leave you.
Where does this compare to a partner being regularly late? or bouncing checks? or leaving dirty dishes in the sink? I think that is an ok thing to attempt to encourage change if both people agree it is a problem.
Mo Pie said "I know what I weigh; I don't need anyone to lecture me about it." Fair enough but I gathered that our writer asked her friends what they thought which to me is entirely different. I actually think it says something that some of her friends agreed with the guy. And she herself doesn't disagree saying "I can lose a few pounds."
Another recent Carolyn column suggested someone ask this question "is there any reason you're resisting?" The only reasons she lists are "being stubborn and prideful" I'm not sure I think those are great reasons.
Carolyn Hax' column really hit home. My husband and I have/had this kind of thing between us, except I wasn't and am not overweight -- he just wanted me more "toned." All men, he claimed, feel this way. Over our 17 years together, I've had a child and entered middle age, and weigh twenty pounds more than when we met. And so is he. He's not vocal about this issue now, doesn't give his "hints" and reassures me that he loves me and wants to be married to me for our lifetimes. But there is lingering damage, to my self esteem and to how much I trust him about me. As far as being "strong," well, I didn't diet to unhealthy weights, I fought back -- but it remains a personal button of mine. It is hard to live with and love someone and doubt that you are pleasing him in this very essential way -- though pleasing him would make you untrue to yourself. I just hoped he'd grow out of it, which maybe he has, or he will. What can I say? We all make compromises, and it's a judgement call about what you can live with and what you can't, and a lot of time, you can't tell when you're in the middle of it.
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