South Beach Day 5
Well so far I've worked out every day and stuck to the diet. The diet is a little monotonous, but only because I'm not making a huge effort to cook things, etc. I am mostly eating string cheese and nuts as snacks, and grilled chicken salads as food. Fortunately I also have Weetabix to cook for me, and she made me a delicious dinner that gave me two meals' worth of leftovers.

I am also drinking a lot of lattes. I have been craving lattes instead of desserts, or maybe forcing myself to think about lattes instead of desserts. And now I know that if I go out to dinner and a bunch of people get dessert, I can drink a cappuccino and be okay. Maybe. Perhaps. We'll see.

The good news is that I am really not very hungry at all on this diet. It is amazing how long-term satisfying almonds and cheese are. Today I had an egg (hard boiled, thanks for the recipes... now how do you soft boil one?) and I think that will probably be very filling as well.

More good news is that I have stopped taking my daily prophylactic antibiotic for cystitis. I was hoarding the pills because I'm almost out, and my health insurance sucks. But normally I have to take one daily or at least every other day, or else I get a UTI. But it's been five or six days now and I haven't felt one coming on (which is usually when I take the antibiotic). If this diet can help my chronic cystitis, that is almost better than weight loss! Although it's still early yet, and I haven't... er... engaged in any... behavior that is likely to... exacerbate.... oh hell, I haven't had sex. We'll see if the South Beach Miracle Tootie Diet withstands that.

One challenge is knowing what to eat before a workout. So far I don't think I've been eating enough/the right things. Shape magazine suggest that you eat some carbohydrates, but I basically can't have carbs for these two weeks. So I'm not sure what to do, except resign myself to halfhearted workouts for two weeks. Ah well. I think the principle of the thing is more important. A halfhearted workout is far better than no workout at all.
- posted by mo pie @ 9:06 AM

 
The After Picture
I'm still thinking about that "after" picture, because I want to win the giant pile of money. And I have a new strategy: spray tanner! I will have a haircut and be tan and be thinner. It cannot fail!

Oh, and it's Day 4. Last night Weetabix and I went out for Mongolian food, which is on the diet. Then we went to a bar where I had Diet Coke and a cigarette in lieu of alcohol. I double checked when I got home and all alcohol is verboten on Phase One of South Beach. I am allowed--nay, encouraged--to have wine in Phase Two. I have no idea what the role of hard liquor is in this diet at all, except that beer is the worst thing you can possibly drink, and I will not be drinking beer.

I hit the gym first thing yesterday, and I am gearing up to hit the gym again this morning. I have also been thinking about my strategy for Weetapiecon. I will be in Phase Two, which helps, but my big concern is losing momentum. So my plan is to do the best I can in terms of eating, but to keep going to the gym every day. If I hit the gym every day, I will still be in the weight loss mentality, and then I think I won't fall off that familiar wagon.

Anyway, blah blah. I'm going to go don my workout garb and Ellipticize.
- posted by mo pie @ 8:42 AM

 
South Beach Day 2
The only problem with this first part of South Beach is that you really have to plan ahead. I didn't have the inclination to boil eggs last night, so again I had a latte for breakfast instead of actual breakfast, which you're not supposed to do on South Beach. You're not supposed to go hungry. Maybe I will eat my baggie of almonds for breakfast.

I also went to the gym and did twenty minutes of elliptical trainer. I know I definitely need to do some weightlifting as well, but one thing at a time. I'm going to try to exercise daily; I think 20-30 minutes a day is pretty reasonable and moderate, and maybe I will form a good habit that way.

So far I feel okay. Cravings haven't magically disappeared, nor am I magically skinny, but I feel fine. (Actually I weighed myself yesterday and have supposedly lost 8 pounds since I was weighed in. Which makes sense, since I was wearing heavier clothes and also kind of bloated that day. Still, that's kind of magical.)

Oh, and the gym has the "before" pictures all over the walls, so I was able to scope out the competition. A lot of already thin people, and I hope they keep posting the pictures every few weeks so I know who has dropped out of the competition. NOT ME.
- posted by mo pie @ 6:45 AM

 
The Odds
So the twelve-week thing that I’m doing is a do-it-yourself fitness competition. Basically you sign up, get “before” pictures taken, get weighed and measured, and go back every three weeks to be re-weighed and measured. At the end of the twelve weeks, whoever makes the “biggest change” based on the photos will win five grand. Otherwise known as a fuckload of cash.

I asked how many people were signed up, and the guy estimated about 150. Now, since this is through a gym, I guess that some of those people are already gym members. Which means they are already pretty fit, and their changes won’t be very drastic. So I automatically beat them. The guy agreed with me and said yes, some of them, he was like, “Why are you doing this?”

Also there will be the inevitable people who quit halfway through. This will not be me! (I am trying to be positive here.) As long as I have a good “before” picture (i.e. fat and sad) and a good “after” picture (i.e. I actually diet and exercise) I have a chance at the five thousand dollar prize. So that’s pretty good motivation, right there.

Also, the guy who measured all my fat just graduated from the school where I teach. Even if I end up at the campus gym working out next to my students, it can’t possibly be as awkward as having a young guy talk about your teaching experience while his calipers are pinching your back fat.
- posted by mo pie @ 9:43 AM

 
Okay, I Give: South Beach Day 1
I decided to do South Beach instead of the plan with the husks. Partly because of the disapproval from my respected friends, but mostly because on South Beach I am allowed to have coffee, and on Fat Flush I am not. If the last four days have taught me anything, it's that I can't survive for two weeks without coffee. (The South Beach book is very understanding about this and many other issues. "We think you have enough to worry about, poor you, without giving up your coffee as well!" I feel so understood by South Beach.)

I need to buy a pot in which to hard boil my eggs. (Er, does anyone know how to hard boil an egg?) Because I think that's what I'm going to do for breakfast, eat my eggs. Lunch and dinner will be a combination of salads, lean meats, and pickles straight out of the jar. For snacks I'll have veggies, part-skim string cheese, and nuts. (I dutifully counted out fifteen almonds into a Ziploc bag today.)

I also got a Pilates video yesterday and accidentally did the wrong workout. (The 15-minute "energy boost" instead of the 30-minute workout.) But since that was Day 0, not Day 1, that's okay. Today I will probably go to the gym, because I want the Fitness America people to re-take my pictures and I have a free two-week pass to their gym.

I went to get my fat measured yesterday and got a copy of the rules. They're basing the winner of their contest on the before and after pictures, with measurements being secondary. Well my before picture was in jeans and a sweater! There's no way I can win that way! So I want a picture in workout clothes. I will try to look as sad and fat as possible. It's actually great that I need a haircut, because I can get one for the "after" shot. And also put on some lipstick. And hopefully be twenty-five pounds lighter, because that will be twelve weeks from now.

One day down, only... er... twelve times seven minus one to go!
- posted by mo pie @ 6:38 AM

 
Crazy Person's Diet

I told Ian about the Fat Flush diet with the eggs and the husks and he think it sounds like a crazy person’s diet and is not sensible. I told him the book makes it sound very sensible! And it’s only for two weeks! And my boss used to do it all the time! And then he said we should talk about something else instead, because he didn’t want to think about it anymore. If it turns out to be really crazy, Plan B is South Beach, which involves no husks of any type.

Yesterday was my first-day-of-classes diet, which involved a whole lot of coffee, then nothing, then a Subway turkey sandwich, then a microwaved meal at home, and then all the Smarties I brought back from Paris. Because I’m starting the husk diet on Wednesday and I can’t have candy in the house. So I had to eat it all. Come on, you’ve done that before, right? Right?

Today, I also neglected to eat anything, except there was some coffee cake in the break room, so I ate that. I’m sort of vaguely counting points (yesterday I had 18 points plus all the candy) and that’s like nine points at most, so far. I think I might have another Subway sandwich before I die (up to 16 points) and then another microwave dealy this evening. And then scour the house to see if there’s any more candy I have to “dispose of” before tomorrow. Ha!

I want to buy some more Slim Fast shakes, since those worked so great for breakfast, but they aren’t on the Fat Flush plan nor are they on South Beach, because they are full of sugar. So does anyone have any ideas for uber-healthy but very fast breakfasts? I think I can have apples on both those plans. Maybe I will buy some apples. Woo-fucking-hoo. I don't even like apples.

- posted by mo pie @ 10:58 AM

 
I Weigh Ten Million Pounds
Well, I'm back. This weekend I signed up for a 12-week fitness challenge, which means they weighed me and photographed me, and I have an appointment on Wednesday for them to tak a bunch of measurements. Unless you pay money, you don't actually get anything except weighed and measured every three weeks. The free version is just you checking in every few weeks, and then the person who makes the most dramatic change wins a cash prize. So I figured it was worth signing up for, simply for the motivation (I could hella use a cash prize) but now I have to figure out the weight loss and fitness part on my own.

Notice how I breezed right over the weight part! I can't even talk about it. Somehow I have gained nine million pounds. I even had nightmares last night about the nine million pounds. All I am going to focus on right now is how big of a change is realistic in 12 weeks, and how do I accomplish that change?

I got the Fat Flush book and read through it, and my god is that a restrictive plan. I mean seriously. No coffee, no dairy, no alcohol, no artificial sweeteners, no to most fruits, no to almost everything. No Advil, even! It focuses on liver function, which is apparently very important to weight loss and metabolism.

Well, I'm going to try it, at least for two weeks. I promise that if Fat Flush doesn't work out, I will try something else, because like I said, it's quite restrictive. But I will focus on the health of my liver, and the cash prize. I'm starting on Wednesday, which is the day I get measured for the fitness challenge. Why not today? Well, you're not supposed to start it if you're sick, and I have a bad cold, with the phlegm and shortness of breath and sneezy and all that. But I am optimistically planning to be well by Wednesday.

That will give me plenty of time to shop for my flaxseed oil, unsweetened cranberry juice, eggs, broccoli, and physillium husks!

No, really. Really.
- posted by mo pie @ 8:18 AM

 
Box Lunch Review
I'm not starting on a diet (and I think it will be Fat Flush) until next week, but I'm trying to get in the swing of things a little bit, and to that end, ate a pepperoni pizza from South Beach Diet for dinner yesterday. I mean hey, the Lean Cuisine pizzas are quite good, so I had high hopes for the South Beach version.

To which I say, oh holy hell, not so much. Remember on Friends when Phoebe tried the Mocklate? "This is what evil tastes like!" Well I was toyed with by the yummy, very convincing pepperoni smell, and then I took a bite, only to discover that the main flavoring of the pizza is apparently anise. ANISE. THE PIZZA TASTES LIKE BLACK LICORICE. Who thought that was a good idea?

Y'all, run to the freezer section and buy the Lean Cuisine pizzas and don't look back. They are delightful and delicious. Unless you like your pizza topped with licorice, avoid the South Beach diet pizza at all costs.

Oh, and I did ultimately finish the pizza anyway because I was hungry, and I'm broke, and I didn't want to waste the food. And then I ate an entire sleeve of Saltines, because I didn't know what to do with myself after that.

Rating: D
- posted by mo pie @ 1:39 PM