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People Are Funny (& Perverted) |
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So today, Candy gave me an interesting job. She had me reviewing resumes to try and find likely candidates for a couple of positions. It’s incredible what kind of resumes were in that pile. I mean, truly astonishing. People apply for things they’re not even remotely qualified for. “Dear Prospective Employer,” one of them went. “I am applying for the job of administrative assistant. I have seventeen years experience as a skydiving instructor and pool cleaner. My salary requirement is $50,000 per year.” “I have been making $10,000 per month as a private nurse. I have a bachelor’s degree in nuclear physics and a masters degree in philosophy. Please consider my application for the position of mailroom assistant.” Then there’s the same bullshit you see on every application: “Dear Employer, I want to bring my positive attitude to your team, and I’m seeking a position where I can grow and advance with my organizational abilities and capabilities of handling multiple projects. I am a TEAM player! Blah blah blah, blahdy blah.” The one that annoyed me the most had the most convoluted, overwritten cover letter imaginable. “I herewith submit my curriculum vitae for consideration. This document hereby contains all appurtenant information ancillary and tangential to my qualifications and expertise in the quest for employ with your establishment.” (Yeah, I know. We get annoyed when others do the same things we do ourselves. Don’t think I’m not catching the irony here.) Then there was the girl whose entire resume consisted of four long, long, paragraphs, all in capital letters, underlined. I didn’t even bother reading that one. The best one was the woman who, I kid you not, MISPELLED HER OWN NAME in the heading to her letter. The signature said “Debbie Collins” but right there at the top of the page, in big bold letters, she had typed: Debbie Colilns. Needless to say, that went straight into the “no” pile.
One of my co-workers told me the most hilarious story. She was one of those people who didn’t know she was pregnant until she was already way pregnant—for her, it was her seventh month of pregnancy before she figured it out. Her sister was pregnant, and I guess all the focus was on the sister. It didn’t even occur to her that she might be pregnant, too. Other people at work started to comment that she looked pregnant from the back (how rude if she wasn’t!) but she denied it emphatically. Whenever she felt anything in the vicinity of the baby, she thought she had just eaten too much. The truth finally hit her when in her bathroom one day and she glimpsed a box of feminine hygiene products. She thought, “God, those have been sitting there for a long time. It seems like I bought those months ago….” Pause. "Holy SHIT!!!” When she finally realized she was pregnant, she went to the doctor, who gave her a due date of March 5. “Wasn’t I stupid?” she asked me. I told her that no, it was not completely crazy that she didn’t know she was pregnant. A little strange, sure. (You’d think her husband would notice or something.) But anyway, I didn’t want to call her stupid. Then she told me the next part. “The day before the baby was due, I started having horrible pain. I told my husband, ‘I’m having the worst pains of my life. It’s like I’m in labor or something!’ and he said, ‘We’ve got to get you to the hospital right away!’ and I said, ‘No. I can’t possibly be in labor. This is March fourth. The baby isn’t coming until tomorrow.” Needless to say, when she finally called the hospital, they informed her that babies sometimes come early, and she was in labor and should come in right away. She did. After hearing that story, I said, “Okay. I’ll give you the stupidity points on that one.” And we laughed and laughed.
My boyfriend really is wonderful. I came home today a raging biatch, just disgusted at the prospect of spending an entire weekend with him in the apartment. I have a huge “to do” list, and I can’t seem to get anything accomplished if he’s here. Or at least, I am 1000 times more productive if he’s gone, at least for a couple of hours. And especially if I need the computer. Jesus, there’s nothing worse than having him hovering around, asking for a “time estimate” on when I’m going to be done. (Note: it is his computer and he’s completely entitled to ask for a time estimate. I realize my irrationality and embrace it. Thank you. Drive through.) So I started getting a little nuts, and he offered to go out and smoke a cigar tonight. I told him I didn’t want him to leave on bad terms, went into my room and punched the wall a little bit. I calmed down quite a lot, and when he came in, I apologized to him and told him I was much better. He said he was still going to go, but before he left, he gave me a gift he had bought today: the Man on the Moon soundtrack, which I’ve been dying to own. I’m listening to it right now. He’s so sweet!
If you’re a fan of ER, and you keep reading, you might never, ever forgive me. I suggest you turn back now. It’s not my fault, it’s my damn subconscious brain. My brain just came out with this today, and I couldn’t do anything about it. And if you don’t want to blame my subconscious, blame the Buffy/Giles porn I read a while back. Okay. So today, I was waiting in line at Subway for my lunch and I was thinking about the poignant moments in an otherwise lackluster ER episode. For instance: the scenes with Lucy’s mother and with Carter and Benton. Then I was struck with a thought. I stood up straight like a cartoon cat, with wide eyes and a gaping jaw, as the realization hit me. “Somewhere out there,” I thought, “someone is writing Benton/Carter ‘shipper fan fiction.” It came to me in a sick flash… BENTON
CARTER
BENTON says nothing, but raises an eyebrow as if to imply, “Yes, I’m so happy that you have fully recovered.” CARTER
BENTON
CARTER is shocked. BENTON
CARTER
BENTON
CARTER
BENTON
CARTER
BENTON
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What
I'm Reading:
The Idiot's Guide to Managing Your Time.What I'm Writing: E-mail. Catching up on a LOTLY LOT of e-mail.
Electric green.Journal Quote of the Day: "People do bad things, wrong things, immoral and unethical things and then they seek to preserve their "reputations" by strong arming you into not telling your story - which is also their story. And the system not only supports this but actually encourages it. It boggles me.”Random Tidbit: My finger is hovering over the "confirm order" button on amazon.com ($50 worth of books) and buy.com (the BBC Pride & Prejudice miniseries). |
