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existential angst |
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yes it is
Last Friday, Matt’s sister (13) and cousin (18) arrived from Massachusetts. We’ve been doing touristy stuff like Universal CityWalk and Venice Beach and Third Street Promenade and all that crap. For now, I will mention four notable things about this, and then I’m moving on.Random Man on the Venice Boardwalk: “I like a woman with a big butt. That’s right! A big ole’ butt and pretty feet.” 1. On the Venice Boardwalk, I acquired a great ring. It’s huge and obnoxious, with this vintage kind of look to it. It’s got an almost square stone, pale blue, surrounded by some little flowery things. It’s got hearts cut out of the sides of the silver. It’s so, so, so cute. Obnoxious + cute = Mo. 2. I used to want to collect every color of M&Ms that were ever made. I planned to buy a bag during each “specialty” season, you know, like pastel ones for Easter, etc. Eventually, I reasoned, I would have the most colorful collection of M&Ms in existence. This was a goal of mine. Well. One of the stores on the CityWalk now features an M&M Display with 21 different color of M&Ms. I mean, cream colored and purple and fuchsia M&Ms. It’s the coolest thing. I got purple and teal ones to match my bathroom. And I am even now munching on a small assortment of black and white M&Ms, cold and crispy, straight from the fridge. (Nice gallbladder. Nice.) 3. I love Matt’s sister and cousin. They cleaned our house today, but that’s not why I love them. I just love them. His cousin is adorable. His sister is just a big sweetie. (We’re corrupting her by letting her watch all the perverted stuff her mom doesn’t let her watch, like the unrated version of Gia.) They both like me. They both told me they loved my “style”, I guess because my bathroom and bedroom have things like color schemes, and purple hippos, and my spice rack. But there’s nothing like being told you have “style” to brighten a girl’s day. 4. I got bunnies in the mail today. Get well soon bunnies. Finger puppet bunnies. Finger. Puppet. Bunnies. 100% surprise. 100% cute. 100% cool. From Saundra. Bunnies. Finger puppet bunnies. They are too overwhelmingly fabulous for words, these bunnies.
I am having a crisis. It’s a crisis with many layers. In fact, it’s like a geological cross section of the earth, except that instead of magma, there’s a crisis. And instead of crust, there’s a crisis. And instead of the earth’s molten core… there’s another fucking crisis. (You know, sometimes I don’t even think these metaphors through. Amazing, isn’t it?) Anyway, the crisis involves money, and my future, and apathy about my life, and fear of change, and fear of losing my relationship, and… oh… just everything. I think it will really help to write it all down. In fact, the three musketeers just went out “prostitute hunting” and I didn’t even go along. I stayed home to tell you all my crises. Warning: they all overlap, and I am extremely confused. My brain is confused. This may get complex. Crisis I: Graduate School Where the hell should I go to grad school? USF, offering me an MA and a scholarship? Or New College, which has no scholarship and would take longer, but probably gives me a more valuable degree. Except that I can’t get the PhD… Sub-crisis A: Living Arrangements I found out that student housing is in fact ridiculously expensive. So the fact that USF offers it no longer matters, because I can’t afford it anyway. It’s like $9,000 per semester, to share a room with someone! So if I move, I’m back to looking for an apartment, or to rent a room, or something. I thought this was a “whew, lucky thing I don’t have to worry about THAT anymore” issue. This was the issue that firmly decided me in favor of USF. Well, that and the scholarship. Sub-crisis B: MFA vs. MA This scholarship kind of decided me in favor of USF, but I’m wondering if that’s where I should be going at all. I mean, at USF, I would be doing four semesters towards a Master of Arts in Writing. At New College, it would be five semesters towards a Master of Fine Arts in Poetics. I know there’s a difference. The MA allows you to go on for the Ph.D. The MFA is a terminal degree. The MFA allows you to teach writing. Does the MA? I don’t even fucking KNOW. I am sure there’s a fundamental difference, a very important fundamental difference, but I’m not even sure what it IS. This is a little late to be deciding what degree I want… don’t you think? Please, if anyone knows what kind of job I can get with an MA in writing, please let me know. Does the MA mean I can teach writing? That’s what I want. Please write me if you know this. I looked all over the internet today and I could not find the answer to this SIMPLE THING. What is the difference between these two degrees? Sub-crisis C: Degree or not degree? That is the question… Why do I even need a fucking degree? Why am I getting one? I mean, it’s going to cost me $25K, and at the end of it, I probably won’t be able to get a job. Maybe I should go to a local state school and just get a Masters in English or something. It’s still a degree, and it’s cheap. Crisis II: Vacation Katie found a last minute European cruise. It’s a $5,000 cruise on sale for $1,000. It’s a two week cruise in May. I told her there was no way my boss would let me go, but I’d ask anyway. I haven’t gotten a definite answer, but before Candy left today, she said, “Oh, before you go on your vacation, can you do this this and this?” Um… this implies that she might actually let me go! Two weeks. Traveling from port to port in Europe on a cruise ship. NEXT MONTH. Ohmigod. However. Candy also thinks that my school starts on August 20. That’s what I told her. That’s what I thought it was. In actual fact, it starts on June 24 or something. So not only do I have to make a decision by NEXT WEEK, I have to be all moved in two months. Matt has to be moved. We have to figure it all out in TWO MONTHS. And if I go to grad school, I can kiss my vacation goodbye. Which probably shouldn’t be the deciding factor (after all, there will always be more vacations) but still. It’s a great deal. It would be a wonderful trip. (Note for those of you who are actually following this and trying to solve my life: I have the $2,000 for this trip already saved away, specifically for “a trip to Europe.” So I can afford it without impacting my other plans.) Crisis III: Car I want my car. But maybe I can’t afford to buy it right now. This bums me way out. Crisis IV: Work I got a call from the place I interviewed with telling me I am still in the running, if I’m interested. Grand. If they offer me the job, that’s just one more alligator in this fucking swamp of indecision. Conclusion: I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with my life, or what I’m going to do with my life, or what I should do with my life. I have no idea if I should quit my job and go to Europe, or if I should buy a van and go live out of it for two years in San Francisco, or if I should put myself in debt for life to get a degree and a car. What I really want to do is climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. But that won’t get me anywhere either. Help?
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What
I'm Reading:
The Laughing Corpse. It's all Miriam's fault.  existential angst is beigeJournal Quote of the Day: “...there are over 300,000 "local deities" running around less than 7500 miles from my back door... And truth be told, it's one thing to be an atheist when all you have to do is deny the existence of one god, or even the three-in-one version that a lot of folks hereabouts favor. It's a whole 'nother thing requiring a whole lot more energy to be an atheist when you're having to deny the existence of a procession like that!Random Tidbit: "Everybody’s selfish. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who listens to someone’s problems out of altruism, I honestly don’t. People care about each other, sure, but let's not kid ourselves. Even nuns probably sleep better at night knowing that listening to someone babble about their problems has bought them one less day in purgatory." |
