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i admit
I’ve been running around like a madwoman. I leave for my cruise in ten days, and this weekend is going to be spent in Las Vegas, getting nothing accomplished. (I know. Poor me, right?) That knocks me back to seven days, seven WORK days, in which I have to run all my errands and get ready to go. I haven’t started thinking about photocopies and travelers checks… I haven’t even thrown myself at Miriam’s feet to beg for advice (which is, yes, on my “to do” list). Thank god Katie is so organized; I don’t know what I’d do without her superior travel planning skills. I went to the camera shop today to see about getting my camera fixed (the motor is wiggy) but it would take them ten business days to get it shipped out to the factory and then back again. This may be a blessing in disguise, since I have no desire to pay the $115 fee to get it fixed and it works as long as you keep it upside down when you turn it on. I just can’t take sideways pictures. In the meantime, I bought a UV lens and a good lens cleaner and cloth. Now I need to find my camera strap. I’ve just about given up on finding my camera bag, and if I can’t find it tonight, I’m going to have to spring for a new one. Poo. The point of all this is that today at lunch, I had to try and go buy shoes (my black flats were pretty much dead on my feet, ha ha), go to the camera shop and deposit Katie’s money in the bank. I got in my car and sped out of the parking lot, worried about getting it all done within the allotted hour. I was still worrying about it when I pulled up at the gas station and started pumping gas. I worried even more when I realized it had shut off at $2—I didn’t even NEED gas. I had to laugh at myself… while worrying about getting all my errands done, I had stopped and wasted five minutes on a completely unnecessary errand. I did get everything else done though, and wouldn’t you know it, was five minutes late getting back.
ME
MATT
So. Relationship woes. Well, shit. I should know better than say “I’ll tell you about it tomorrow” because life somehow always intervenes. The day got away from me again, and now it’s time to race home and watch Buffy. I’ll try to be quick and tell you about it in my remaining minutes. In a nutshell: Matt is 23. It happened to me when I was 22, but it’s still familiar: the selfish phase. Learning to put yourself first. I’ve never particularly been on the receiving end of the selfish phase, but it looks like that’s where I’m at now. In general, I think the selfish phase is a good thing—when I went through it, I stopped being a doormat. Of course, I think I swung in the opposite direction and became a real taker, whereas Matt is (was) a giver. I’m now learning to give more, and Matt is learning to take more. I am learning that I took his constant solicitous attention for granted, and he’s learning to give only to the degree that he CAN give without resentment. This is the period of adjustment we are in now. I’m glad he finally admitted that this was going on, because when he abruptly stopped saying “I love you” and started being sullen, I was left to imagine the worst. He started being really obnoxious for a while—demanding things of me that he could do perfectly well for himself, then holding it against me if I didn’t comply. Trying to balance giving and taking is never going to work that way—I’m not inclined to give anything when it’s expected rather than appreciated. I started thinking, for the first time, that there was no way we were going to make it. Things improved, though. We talked it out and once I thought about it for awhile, I realized that this is a healthy relationship growing pain. (It also helped that he bought me a beautiful and sentimental anniversary card, well worth the wait.) And yesterday was good. We were both in good moods and we just laughed and teased and enjoyed each other’s company. (We also watched David Duchovny, who disappointed me by not knowing the Duomo is in Florence.) Anyway, we spent quality time together, and that was nice. I guess it was my own fault for passing up the quality time opportunity on Saturday night. He wanted to go out to a movie and then come home and, um, express our love physically. I went out with Tim instead, which under normal circumstances would not have been so much of a mistake, I think. But when you’re walking on thin ice, one misstep can send you straight into the ice water. I still am worried about us, truth be told. I’m still really worried that his reassurances are lies, or that this is just an excuse to pull away from me, or that he’s subconsciously divorcing himself from me. I’m leaving in a few months, and I just want to spend them being as close to him as possible. I want to reaffirm our commitment, but he seems to be more distant than ever. I guess I’ve
been pretty blasé about moving away from him—really optimistic and
happy about the move in general. I’m probably just in denial about
being away from him. The one bad thing about moving away is moving
away from him. And that’s SUCH a bad thing, that I don’t want to
deal with it.
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What
I'm Reading:
Finished The Perfect Storm. Now nothing.  "William the Bloody" (and Johnnie Walker) redJournal Quote of the Day: “IWhen given gratification 100% of the time, the typical lab rat loses interest and the gratification becomes less desirable. The human male works in much the same fashion. ”Random Tidbit: I'll make it through the day with some help from Johnny Walker red.Work Days Left: 63?Days Left Including Weekends and Cruises: 102? |
