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Giving Me Pause |
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i will miss
Well. I’m three quarters of the way packed. I have half of my “to do” list scratched off. I have at least seven entries written and uploaded, which will be revealed periodically throughout my vacation… obviously, I’m addicted to writing this thing. It will be just like I never left, guys. Except that I will have left. I’ll be off somewhere, seeing ancient ruins and big giant rocks. I’ll be playing blackjack in Monte Carlo and eating gelato in Rome. And I swear to you all, if I see Kathie Lee Gifford, I’ll be pushing her right the hell overboard. I’ve turned off notifications for the journals I read. I’ve unsubbed from mailing lists. I’ve resigned myself to missing the next episode of Buffy. I have all of your addresses ready to go, and I’ll be sending serial kille--- I mean, um, postcards—to your doorsteps. So why aren’t I more excited? Because that isn’t what I want to talk about in this, my last real live entry for two weeks. I want to talk about love, and doubt, and fear, and Matt. I want to say that there is this giant fist of doubt gripping my heart. A fear that this small separation is the harbinger of longer, deeper separations to come. It is only two weeks. And I will wonder what he is doing and what he is thinking. And I will miss him with all the pores in my body and all the tears in my ducts and all the strength in my soul. I will be lonely at night. I will wish he is with me every moment. And I will wonder if he’ll let me love him forever. I wonder if he’ll love me back. Because that’s all I want to do. Love him and be loved. It’s not so much to ask, is it, really? I’ve got big fat secrets to share, dear readers. I’ve got wounds that I want to open. But I can’t bring myself to end on this note. To press the pause button and have the image flickering on the screen be an image of sadness. I can’t mislead you like that. Because tonight is going to be special, and happy, and magical. We’re going to see Gladiator, and we’re going to be together, and we’re going to cling to each other with promises and tears in our eyes. And then I’ll
be gone.
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What
I'm Reading:
The Annotated Alice.  azure blue...Journal Quote of the Day: No time to read journals today.Random Tidbit: Giles drunk last night on Buffy was great. (Convoluted, much?)Work Days Left: 57Days Left Including Weekends and Cruises: 93 |
