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I Left My Heart (Behind The Couch) |
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| I’m
starting to get spasms of fear about my upcoming move. (I am moving
to San Francisco to get my MFA in Poetics, for those of you who just joined
us or have a microscopic attention span.) But as the days tick by, I am
starting to feel like I’m in line for a new, big, shiny roller coaster.
And as the line inches forward, I get more and more apprehensive about
getting on.
Shit, that’s a big roller coaster. I mean, I’ve never been on one that big. Why did I get in this line in the first place? Nobody I know has been on this thing. Nobody can tell me what kind of ride I’m in for. Everyone’s just standing there waiting for me to get on it—I mean, I said I was going to, right? And I want to. I have a feeling this coaster will be just my piece of apple pie. Sure I want to go. Everyone in line looks scared and thrilled at the same time. I wonder how people look as they come off? I see a lot of people standing around who look like they wish they could be in my place. Part of me wants to give them my spot. You go on the ride. You run the risk of getting stuck hanging upside down, or puking your guts out, or ending up a thousand miles away, all alone. You do it, because I’m staying right fucking here. No. I promised myself a roller coaster a long time ago, and I’m not going to chicken out now. I mean, it’s just a ride. I got over this fear years ago… I used to be scared of roller coasters, but I’m not supposed to be scared any more. I’m supposed to be brave and excited. It’s just… I wish I knew how long the ride was. Or if it gets any bigger than that. Or anything. I wish it wasn’t such a mystery. My friends are all standing over there cheering me on. They all want me to go, too. Well, some of them look like they’re a little sad about it. What if I get out of line and just run over there and tell them I changed my mind? They’d be happy, right? We can all go on a ride together. Like the carousel or something. Just go around and around in the same old circles, but together. We’d all be together. But I can’t. If I walk away now, I’ll always wonder what it was like. How fast the drops were… how high it climbs. I’ll miss out on corkscrews and loops and wind in my hair and cheesy souvenir photos at the end. And I’ll never know where I’m going to end up once it stops. If I walk away and go on the carousel, I know exactly where I’ll end up. It’s just a big circle, after all. I’d be right back where I started.
Danielle gave me a belated birthday gift earlier this month: a San Francisco figurine. It’s got a little trolley car, and a little Golden Gate bridge, and cute little houses and sailboats and everything. (I took a picture, but my not having a digital camera means you’ll have to wait to see it.) It plays “I Left My Heart In San Francisco.” Despite the fact that she’s often annoying, Danielle is also an extremely thoughtful person. I sat the figurine on my desk at work and I get this bittersweet feeling every time I look at it. On the one hand, I’m excited about school. And on the other, I’m upset that I have to leave everyone behind. Bruce threw his arms around me and said, “No. Mo mo’s not leaving,” when the subject came up. Matthew agreed that he wasn’t going to let me go and kept making pouty faces at me (“Mo mo-o-o-o-o-o…”). Max said I should send Matt off the San Francisco instead, and stay here. Joan is constantly saying she’s going to miss me. Danielle is already planning to bring Bruce for a visit, and I’m sure she’ll have a great time, since it’s fag hag heaven up there. My sister and Matt are in denial—they haven’t said they’ll miss me, but they’ll probably miss me the most. Then there’s Tim, who said: “Aren’t you lucky you have me? I’m not upset you’re leaving. I’m happy. I know I said I’m happy FOR you, but basically, I’m just happy.” “Yes, thank god I have such a callous bastard in my life.” (This, by the way, is his way of saying he is going to miss me. )
In e-mail: Me: “As of right now, I’ll be living in a two bedroom apartment consisting of my car and a cardboard box.” Sei: “Wow. I'm impressed you found a place at all.” Ha!
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WTF?:
I am on vacation until May 24. However, brand new content will be appearing here while I am gone, because I planned ahead and wrote a bunch of entries in advance. (Aren’t you proud?) |
