What, no torture devices, Darth? And you want to bake a cake? (He must be going soft.)

Moeyweather disappears underneath the bubbles. Oh, my.

Now he's definitely not going soft.

Bruce looks on jealously as Moey and Darth bask in their warm bubbly love.

I'm so jealous. I want a blow job of my very own.

This inspires Bruce to head to the new downtown and try and get some lovin. He decides to go to the Simsville Structure outlet to shop for clothes because, duh, if you don't get laid, you might as well get a good deal on a pair of jeans. Bruce approaches Wayne Poet, who is shopping for sweaters.

Sorry, you're not my type. I only like men who wear glitter.

Strike one. Next, he approaches a Sim named, apparently, Randy. Despite his name (which might as well be Desperate-for-a-Shag) Bruce strikes out again.

I'm really sorry I can't go out with you, but I don't want to.

When he sees Spike, he tries again. His new secret weapon?

Look! A sock puppet!

Spike is unfortunately, not won over by the sock puppet. So, after three strikes, Bruce buys a cute pair of flannel PJs and decides to come home and make some preserves. Why? Because he is very, very gay.

Ooh, preserves! My life sucks.

Meanwhile, in the Hollywood household, production has begun on their movie, tentatively titled Searching for Bobby Fischer Again, Only Much Harder This Time.

The film stars Christina Aguilera and Keanu Reeves, and co-stars the ghost of Kurt Cobain. (You'd think, since he came all the way back from the dead, he'd get top billing. But you'd be wrong.)

"Scene one, take one. Quiet on the set!"

Our story begins in the Kung Fu Eggroll House & Chess Emporium, as chess prodigy and orphan Chrissy Agamemnon (Aguilera) works on her endgame. (That's chess set consultant Tim with cinematographer Lucy Hollywood.)

"I saw Bobby Fischer do this once. I wonder where he is, anyway?"

As the tournament begins, the KFEH&CE begins to fill with players, including young Reed Keene (Reeves), orphan and secret agent for the NSA. Thrown together by the tournament officials, Reed and Chrissy feel an attraction to one another.

"I feel quite an attraction to you, Reed." "I feel one for you likewise, Chrissy."

They go outside, and Reed confides that there is a plot to assassinate Guillermo Fu (Antonio Banderas) the proprietor of the Chess Emporium. A poisoned pizza will be delivered within a few hours, and Fu must not be allowed to partake!

"It is indeed a dastardly plan, Reed." "Do not worry, Chrissy. I shall thwart it." "Oh, Reed..."

When Reed sees the van from Sims Pizzeria, and the evil minion of the undead, Curt Wolfsbane, accepting the pizza-- he puts two and two together. It must be Curt behind this dastardly scheme! Reed hides behind a convenient windmill and listens in.

"Thank god that some random Dutch person left this windmill here, so I can overhear the pizza guy give this crucial information."

He returns and tells Chrissy of his newfound knowledge, and they share a fervent kiss.

"The pizza cost $12.00 exactly, Chrissy, and I believe I smelled pepperoni." "Oh, Reed, you are such an effective spy, and it totally turns me on."

Suddenly, they see Curt approaching. Chrissy ducks behind the roses and windmill as Curt approaches Reed with knives drawn for the big showdown.

"I am going to cut you with my knives, Reed. Mua ha ha!" "You will never thwart me, Curt Wolfsbane!"

After Curt has been curtailed (haha!) Chrissy emerges from the rosebushes for their passionate reunion. But wait! Everybody run. Chrissy has a gun!

"I'm sorry it had to be like this, Reed." "Woah."

Reed's abilities to dodge bullets in slow motion saves the day, but Chrissy gets away.

Will Guillermo Fu survive? Will Chrissy get away with it for good? What's up with Curt and the pizza, anyway? Why isn't there any sex in this movie? And will somebody, at some point, actually search for Bobby Fischer? Stay tuned!