You remember Rupert Giles, don't you? Sad, lonely, heartbroken bachelor with only his books and his model of Big Ben to keep him company?

Hey now, I have a llama as well, you know!

When he heard that a pet store was opening in town, he headed straight over and adopted two cats to keep him company on those long lonely nights. (And, just to get it out of the way: it's the only pussy he's had for a long, long time.)

First he picked out a fluffy white girl cat he named Andromeda.

Like the galaxy, not the strain.

And then he adopted a black-and-white boy cat, and named him Polonius.

"Remember, Polonius, brevity is the soul of wit." "Mrow?"

And so, Rupert took Andromeda and Polonius home.

First they hated each other!

Then they loved each other!

Then they... I don't know. They're either dancing or kung-fu fighting, I haven't figured it out yet.

And now they are one big happy family. Isn't that sweet?

Just don't pee on the carpet, little buggers.

Meanwhile, just down the street, the Doe family moved into the neighborhood: John Scalzi II, John Stamos, and John Quincy Adams.

Scalzi, Quincy Adams and Stamos celebrate with pizza.

All three John Does were dirt poor, so they decided one of them would have to be the breadwinner of the family. John Scalzi II lost the game of rock-paper-scissors, so he got a job in the Slacker career track.

While he was off professionally slacking, John Stamos and John Quincy Adams set up their volleyball court.

You be Maverick and I'll be Iceman, okay?

It looked like so much fun that John Scalzi II blew off work and joined in as well.

Are you guys gonna make me be Goose again?

This was enough to get him fired. Come on-- how do you get fired from your job as a Slacker? He's the consummate Slacker; you'd think he'd get a promotion! But alas, The Man doesn't quite see it that way. Damn The Man.

"Dude, I just got fired." "Dude. Hey, while you're on the phone, order us a pizza."

To get their minds off the fact that they would soon be unable to pay their rent, the John Does headed to Old Town.

While John Quincy Adams bought an aromatherapy candle, John Scalzi II had a run-in with Mo Winslet-Pie, who immediately started talking up the peace cult. She'd make a great Scientologist, wouldn't she?

There's a sacred turkey, and lots of blowjobs! Wait, that's not the cult, that's just me.

Then John Stamos bought himself a turtle. He hugged it and kissed it and named it George. He actually became quite obsessed with his turtle and plays with it all the time. No, that's not a euphemism.

"The love between a man and his turtle is a sacred thing."

That night, a few of the neighbors dropped by. John Scalzi II set up the barbecue, and Spike, Darth, Russell Crowe-Winslet-Pie and Moey all had burgers.

Be careful with that barbecue, John Scalzi II. You remember what happened to the LAST John Scalzi, don't you?

John Stamos told Moey a little bit about himself.

"I like walks along the beach, Elvis, and hair gel."

After striking out with Moey, John Stamos got into his work clothes for his brand new job... as a popcorn vendor. Ouch. He's never gonna get laid in that outfit, is he?

"Well, maybe if I slather myself in butter..."

Moey had her eyes on John Quincy Adams, but he was off talking to Russell Crowe in a very gay way. I think we all see where this is going, don't we?

"Let's talk pussy. Are you pro or con?"

So, while her husband wasn't looking, Moey headed over to John Scalzi II, complimented him on his barbecuing and whatnot...

"I really like the way you handle your meat."

And another conquest was made.

"I love it when you talk dirty."

Poor John Scalzi II. This isn't going to be pretty.